Can Mothers, Childfree Women, and Childless Women Be Friends?

Ultimately it’s all about mutual respect and understanding. Can we be friends? Here’s what I think…

It seems no matter what role a woman takes on, she is likely to endure times of feeling isolated, unsupported, and lonely.

While I can only speak from the lived experience of being childfree by choice, I think it is important to draw attention to the complexities and difficulties of the different paths.

How can parents be more supportive of their friends who aren’t parents?

How can people without children show up for their parent friends? How can society demonstrate deeper compassion for the disenfranchised grief the childless often feel, and how can our culture express acceptance and respect for those who choose not to have children?

Phew, it all sounds very complicated.

It needn’t be so complex, yet ask anyone within these demographics, and they will likely tell you they crave deeper connections and inclusion.

In the last few weeks, there have been several pieces in the media about women not having children, including this article in the Guardian titled The Chasm Between Mothers and the Childless is Widening.

“There is a well of pain surrounding the question of motherhood; among childless women who want to become mothers; childfree women who face stigma; and even mothers, too, who feel chronically misunderstood.”

This topic affects everyone, so let’s get stuck in.

What’s the difference between Childfree and Childless?

Childfree people are without children through intentional choice. They are often stigmatized for this choice and met with a barrage of clichéd responses for opting out of parenting. My popular piece, The 8 Most Annoying Things Parents Say to People Who Are Childfree outlines some of these responses.

Believe it or not, some people get frustrated about others choosing not to have children. I have a sneaky suspicion these are the ones who didn’t realise parenting was a choice.

According to the minority who are angry at the childfree, those of us who choose not to have children won’t experience love, will experience regret, will remain unfulfilled, will be bored in life, are immature, will have no one to look after us when we are older, can’t possibly know the meaning of tired, are selfish and my all-time favourite; apparently, we will change our mind — because you know — other people know our minds better than we do!

Despite an increase in people choosing not to have children, Dr. Harrington, a Psychoanalyst and Clinical Social Worker, speaks of increased hostility toward the childfree.

This hostility can be seen in the reaction to both Chelsea Handler and Seth Rogan when they spoke out about being happy without children.

The other side of the non-parent coin is people who are childless. This demographic wanted children but didn’t have them or couldn’t have them due to biology or circumstances

Those who are childless often experience great suffering and disenfranchised grief. Society tries to help but comes out with minimising and insensitive comments about adoption and toxic positivity comments such as “what’s for you won’t pass you” BS.

Theirs is a particularly lonely journey. Can you imagine enduring multiple IVF failures while friends around you celebrate pregnancies and splash their babies all over social media?

The childless are often silenced, suppressed, and hidden.

Last year Jennifer Aniston bravely revealed her childless struggles to the world. There are many courageous stories of women rising up and claiming themselves following the devastating impact of childlessness. Check out Gateway Women as a great resource for childless women.

All we need is a little more understanding, acceptance, and empathy for each other

And then there are parents, particularly mothers, who are expected to raise children, work, keep house, bake from scratch, look impeccable, and compete with the ridiculous onslaught of social media shaming for anyone who isn’t the perfect mum. Because you know — you can have it all! GAWP and GASP, and what utter BS to that!

As Nicola Slawson compassionately identifies,

“My mum friends talk about the mental load of everything they have to do. Others whisper that they have completely lost themselves in motherhood; or speak of gruelling postnatal depression, or permanent physical damage after labour. They are still the ones to bear the brunt of child-rearing”

So we all suffer, and in our own suffering, we become an island.

I’ve lost friends to motherhood, but I suspect these relationships were on their way out anyway. The friendships that have survived are those that haven’t disappeared into a child-centric world and don’t expect me to consistently move to their dance. There remains a wonderful reciprocity of seeing each other for who we are and being sensitive to our different paths. I will happily spend time with my friend’s children but equally, a friendship that endures is one that is nourished in a space dedicated just to those directly involved.

In her new book Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict, Elizabeth Day talks of her struggles trying to get pregnant while surrounded by parent friends. Her lack of children added pressure and expectation to their friendship dynamic.

“A small but powerful minority ran out of time for many other pursuits, including friendship, and so the expectation arose that I would be the one who would come to them.”

The reality is parenting is hard! Particularly when you are a new parent. Most of us non-parents willingly take on the lion’s share of initiating contact and servicing the friendship when a newborn comes into our friend’s life. But this can’t last forever; it needs to level out again.

People without children can’t be expected to do all the running and emotional labour in friendships. Because, let’s face it — life has challenges for everyone.

Elizabeth goes on to say,

“I never really heard from them unless they wanted me to celebrate another one of their life milestones.”

This deeply resonated with me. I finally allowed an old friendship to evaporate when I realised there was no reciprocity, and truthfully there hadn’t been for years. The only times she initiated contact with me was to share her latest life flex. She didn’t see me. She only saw me in relation to her. That’s not a friendship!

I’m sure we have all loved and lost friends. And while it can be easier to flock to women in a similar position to ourselves, I passionately believe our friendships can thrive and survive when our life paths diverge.

For friendships to flourish between mothers, childfree women, and childless women, we all need to show love and understanding to each other. We must be inclusive of each other and value each other.

This means no engaging in ridiculous one-upmanship comments, no competing in the suffering Olympics, and a full commitment to approaching each other with openness, honesty, sensitivity, and support.

For me, out went the parent friend who told me, “People without children have nothing to worry about during the lockdown.” And in came the parent friend who recognised the magnified yearning and loneliness of the childless during the pandemic and the increased pressure on the childfree to work overtime and help friends and family during this weird time.

So yes, I believe mothers, childfree women, and childless women can all be friends, but it all comes down to one thing.

Women supporting women — now there’s a novel idea!

Let’s build bridges

I don’t know how it is to be a parent in this world. And maybe some of you don’t know what it is like to be childfree by choice or childless by circumstances. (Note: life before children is very different from living intentionally childfree or unintentionally childless).

With compassion and kindness, we can use our differences to create a synergy and build a bridge over the parent versus non-parent chasm.

It’s time to listen to each other, nourish each other, and help each other blossom.

Thanks for reading. What do you think? Are you a parent, childless or childfree? How do you maintain healthy friendships with people in other demographics?

🙏Thank you for reading my story Ali Hall

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If you want to explore this topic further, here are free links to some of my most popular articles on the subject.

Why Do Some Parents Condescend and Belittle Non-Parents

Why Parents Don’t Have the Monopoly on Empathy

The Pressure To Have a Baby Almost Broke Me

How Childfree and Childless Women Are An Essential Part of Societ’s Cohesion

Seth Rogan Speaks Out About His Life Choices

People Without Kids Still Have “Skin In the Game,” Just Ask Chelsea Handler

Why This Systematic Devaluation of the Childfree and Childless Needs To Stop

The Oldest Ism Of Our Time May Surprise You

WhyBeing Childfree May Be More Biological Than Choice

The Creepy Reason Elon Musk Is Obsessed With Your Uterus

How The Pope’s Hypocrisy and Accusations of “Selfishness” Have Lost Him His Audience

This article was initially published on Substack. If you enjoyed this piece, please subscribe to the Abnormally Normal Newsletter. A substack newsletter with weekly word hugs for everyone who feels they don’t fit in.