Why Being Childfree May Be More Biological Than Choice
Like the discussion in the LGBTQIA+ community, could childfree people be born this way?
I don’t believe we have any more choice in our desire to have children than we do in our sexuality or gender identity.
I appreciate this is a bold statement. And of course, we are all different. But hear me out. Let’s explore the idea of choice together.
I say I am childfree by choice. But the fact is, it doesn’t feel like a choice. I have a strong aversion to having children. This comes from deep within. I am childfree to my core. This begs the question of whether there is something in my biology that has caused this.
Childfree History
People without children, primarily women without children, are still an anomaly. But let me tell you, the stats are growing. In fact, a study by Pew Research Centre found that 44% of adults in America aged between 18 and 49 say it is unlikely they will have children.
What I find most fascinating about this study is the fact that the majority of the people gave their reason for not having or wanting children as simply not wanting children! A whopping 56% of people in this study outlined a lack of desire for children, as their reason for not having children.
The remaining 44% cited more widely accepted reasons. The descending order of reasons for not having children are as follows:
- Medical
- Financial
- No partner
- Age
- State of the world
- Climate change/environment
- Partner doesn’t want kids
Let me say this again, as it is so very important.
The majority of people in this study simply do not want children.
They do not have any particular reason. And heck, they don’t need to justify such a personal decision.
With the progression of time, we are becoming more open and accepting of people who opt out of parenthood. Well, I say we are, but we still live in a pronatalist society. There are still damaging comments spewed out by the likes of Pope Francis and Elon Musk. Comments made to shame people into having children, or having more children!
In days gone by the only “acceptable” reasons to be without children were infertility or no partner. Society labeled those of us who chose to forgo reproduction as ghastly and monstrous. Whilst it isn’t quite accepted as “normal” yet, we are getting there.
Comparisons with LGBQTIA+
This insightful article outlines the damage the words “choice”, “change” and “conversion” can do in the LGBQTIA+ community.
It defines “choice” as “the right, power, or opportunity to choose.” And here is where it gets interesting. The article clarifies that whilst we all have the ability to choose how we respond to certain circumstances. We don’t have the power to choose how we feel innately.
And by this very notion, sexual orientation and gender identity are not a choice.
My aversion to having children has been with me as far as my memory stretches. Being childfree is innate to me. It feels like part of my biology and identity. It doesn’t feel like a choice. It is my truth.
When I first opened up and spoke about being childfree, I felt like I was leaping out of the closet. Some people shunned me, others ridiculed me. Very few accepted me for who I was. But I was out in the world as myself. There was no more hiding or pretending. Or trying to contort my soul to fit in with societal expectations.
Some of my gay friends have told me that they wish they were straight. They believe their lives would be easier if they were straight. They feel they would be more readily accepted and integrated with society.
This is how I feel about having children. I often wish I wanted children. I wish I could replace my strong urge and desire to not have children with the desire to have children.
This comes down to a basic human need to fit in and appear “normal”. But we can not change what is deep within us.
LGBQTIA+ people and childfree people have been around since the start of time. We are normal exactly as we are. We are only depicted as “abnormal” due to our skewed history. Governments around the world have made desperate attempts to eradicate us. The world has an ugly history of legislating, criminalizing, punishing, and trying to regulate people who don’t conform.
This wonderful article on trans history includes an image of 2 females in a same-sex relationship in 1870. Police arrested them for “conspiring and inciting persons to commit an unnatural offense.”
The term “unnatural” is outrageous! So for absolute clarity, it is perfectly natural to be LGBQTIA+ and it is also natural to be childfree.
Emma Duval AKA Millennial Emma does an outstanding job of showcasing the forgotten women of history. Women who are often pioneers in their own fields and who are childless or childfree.
So you see, it is not the case that LGBQTIA+ and childfree people are new phenomena of people. We have always been around. But until relatively recently society has suppressed us and locked us in the closet.
Is There a Childfree Continuum?
“Why don’t you want children?” seems like an innocuous question, but it isn’t. Yet people without children are often asked this.
We don’t ask why people do want children. Although, perhaps we should. We don’t (or I hope we don’t) ask why someone is LGBQTIA+. And yet, not having children and not wanting children induces bewilderment. It creates curiosity at best and judgment at worst.
When I am asked why I don’t want children, people rarely accept my answer. It seems “I just don’t want to” is not a good enough reason to not bring a child into this world. I am pursued and pressured to provide an actual reason. Something that others can compute and make sense of.
But I will always argue that simply not wanting children is one of the best reasons not to have them! Remember, it’s who I am.
More fool the person who lives a life they do not want.
The truth is, I wish I could say I am sacrificing my deep desires for children, due to climate change. I wish I could be heroic and say I am putting the welfare of my unborn child before myself. If I could show nobility in how I choose to live, maybe society would admire me and not judge me. But I can’t. And this frustrates others. They want answers for the way I live my life.
I don’t want children, because I am childfree to my core.
I know of many others who have specific reasons for not wanting children, and that’s ok. Likewise, I know of some parents who were desperate to be parents and some who were ambivalent. We all have different reasons.
This leads me to wonder. Is there a childfree continuum? Similar to the gender continuum.
If there was a scale which represents our desire, or lack of desire to have children, where would you sit?
Perhaps we all sit along this continuum. And like any dichotomies, the far-right doesn’t always understand the far left, and vice versa.
On this continuum, I would place myself on the far left. I am absolute in living childfree. There is no chance of me changing my mind. It is innate.
However, someone else may be placed middle to left, they may not want children at the moment. But they may be more likely to reassess this decision than someone further left.
On the flip side, if we consider someone who is childfree due to any of the reasons stipulated by Pew Research. I suspect they would not sit on the far right of this continuum. Otherwise, they would have had children regardless of their reasons.
Is There A Childfree Gene?
And here is the million-dollar question. Is there a childfree gene?
What makes me so steadfast and adamant that I don’t want children? Is there something in my biology?
We can often explain Infertility and childlessness by genes. So why can’t the desire to be childfree be explained through genes? And what about the desire to be a parent? Is this coded into our genes?
As far as I can see, there has never been a study into the biology of childfree people. Specifically, the childfree people who are not influenced by external factors. The ones who have a deep knowing that they do not want children. Irrespective of their personal circumstances, health, and the state of the world.
I wonder if we could establish a genetic link between the 56% of the people in the Pew Research who stated they did not want children, for no other reason than they didn’t want children. This category of person would likely sit on the far left of my continuum.
This article discusses a large study into genetic links and sexuality. The study involved just under 500,000 people. It was enormous, the largest of its kind. It found that only 8–25 percent of same-sex relations could be explained through genes.
Ultimately this concluded there is no “gay gene”. On the same token, it also states there is no “straight gene” and that sexuality is “complex”. It went on to say sexuality can not be pinned down by biology, psychology, or life experiences. Rather, our sexual attraction is decided by an amalgamation of all these factors.
And maybe that’s the same for the childfree. Maybe there is no childfree gene. Maybe there is. But until there is a study, we will never know. Suffice to say, our desire to have, or not to have children is complex and is influenced by our biology, psychology, and life experiences.
Let’s Celebrate Our Individual Differences
It is not our role to question how others live their lives. It is our role to respect each other’s individual differences and recognize we are all on a continuum.
Whilst society pedals having children as the most natural thing in the world. Let’s also recognize that it is perfectly natural not to have children. It is completely normal not to want children. And not wanting children is a good enough reason not to have them.
Remember, we can’t choose our innate feelings. Many childfree people are simply showing up authentically and living a life true to themselves and perhaps true to their biology.
Thanks for reading Ali Hall
I am an advocate for taking the stigma away from being childfree by choice. You can feel deep love, happiness & fulfillment without being a parent. Read more of my childfree articles here.