THE MEGADROUGHT SERIES 2022, PART 6

Californians: Due To Climate Change, You Must Move

Here’s where you’re going and why

OK, not all of you have to move. But because the population has become unsustainable based on the amount of water we are losing from our sources, particularly the Colorado River, means something has to give. Unfortunately, in our case, that means people!

No, this isn’t a “Soylent Green” type of thing. You’re not going to be hauled off and ground up into people food. You simply have to go. Go live in another state. If you want to leave the country instead, that’s alright, too, long as you leave.

The Selection Process — Part One

The numbers we’re using as a base were census figures from 1990, when California had 29.8 million people. That was also the last year the 405 wasn’t bumper-to-bumper 24 hours a day. So removing citizens will reduce the commute to work to less than two hours for most remaining Californians. Each way, of course.

Our present population is 39.2 million. We don’t want to fall behind Texas, at 28.6 million. But there are many ways to screw Texas over, and part of it has been the number of Californians moving there and scooping up “cheap” houses, making housing for Texans unaffordable. We’ve already done that in Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Utah, and Arizona. So why should Texas be any different?

Initially, the difference between us will be tight, but remember that political migration will also occur in Texas due to its policy standings that affect almost everyone except the policymakers. If Abbott is reelected, expect even more departures. And if the state secedes, there will be a mass exodus.

NOTE: Californians who have left and moved to Texas will not be allowed back. They were probably Republicans anyway.

So sorry, but about nine million of you will have to go.

The Selection Process — Part Two

Now that we have our numbers decided, the rest of the process is simple: we’ll base it on your political party affiliation. Currently, here’s what that looks like and what we are proposing:

California has done an excellent job at retaining and increasing its democratic base while reducing the number of registered republicans, most of which moved to Texas or the intermountain west. However, the number of independent voters has increased, and those sneaky wabbits can do anything, so they’re getting the same reduction as the Republicans.

Where Are We Going To Go?

No one can move to Arizona, Nevada, or any of the other four states in the Colorado River watershed. Swimming upstream does not help the problem! But, remember, this is about water, not politics.

• Democrats: You are doing your nation a tremendous favor. You’ll help to bring more balance between the number of red states and blue states. Since we first want the swing states to stop swinging, please choose between Georgia, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Ohio, or Wisconsin. That gives you a wide variety of places and climates from which to choose. Your job, of course, will be to elect Democratic officials, and their first job will be to undo the gerrymandering the Republicans have wrangled. Moving to Texas can only be approved if you move to one of their smaller metropolitan areas that voted red and that we can at least turn to purple by your votes. The largest cities are already blue. Your choices are Amarillo, Lubbock, Midland, Odessa, Wichita Falls, Abilene, and San Angelo. All of these cities have a population of more than 100,000 and are exploding with charm. Tornadoes are an issue, we know. And if you move to the Permian Basin area, you may experience mild earthquakes from the massive amount of fracking they’re doing. But most of all, you won’t have to worry about “the big one.”

Isn’t it usually the Republicans who say repugnant things like “go back to where you came from” to non-whites? Well, they’re going to get a taste of their own medicine. If they moved to California from one of the states listed below, they’ll have to return. If not, we’ll reassign them to the state of our choice.

• MAGA Republicans or Trumpers: You, along with anyone who believes in “the big lie,” will have to move to inconsequential states based on the number of electoral votes they have today. You‘re going to North Dakota, Mississippi, or West Virginia. You’ll be in good company in any of those fine states. And they all have plenty of water.
• Non-MAGA Republicans: You can go ahead and move to these red states that never in a million years will turn blue. You have Oklahoma, South Dakota, Iowa, Kansas, and Arkansas from which to choose. With an equal distribution to all states, none will still be powerful enough to make any difference in the outcome of a national election.
• Independents: Simple. Left-leaning independents can follow the democrats to their allotment of states. If you’re right-leaning, choose from the Republican states as above.

Suppose remaining Republicans are flying “under the radar” that should be transferred. In that case, we will implement a NARC (No Asshole Republican Californians) system, similar to what Texas has done to abortion candidates. Tell-tale signs might be remaining “Trump/Pence 2020” signs on their property, decals on their windows, or bumper stickers on their cars. Those with “Trump 2024” signs or decals are especially dangerous and important to report. It won’t be a criminal act like it is in Texas. They’ll simply be deported to Alaska. Sarah Palin is making a comeback! I can see it from here!

Last but not least, with Republicans, we will start from the top based on income, enabling the state to place our homeless into high-paying jobs and lovely homes. So many of them are in the condition they’re in because of our high property taxes. (You will receive a housing stipend based on the average home price in your new state.) Now that they’ll be in a free house, taxes won’t be such a burden. Problem solved!

By taking these actions, all remaining Californians will be guaranteed fresh, clean drinking water for at least the next five years. You’ll also receive a free bag of almonds from the last batch we grow. Bonus!

Questions? Comments? Please direct them to the California Department of Water Refugees. They’ll be waiting for your call between the hours of midnight and 6:00 am every other Monday, except holidays.

It was a good run, but it’s time for you to go.

Buh-bye.

But in all seriousness, here are a couple of articles describing the situation in the West:

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