Mythology

Breaking News: Roman Pantheon Sues to Regain Control of World

Current Supreme Being accused of usurpation, neglect, poor record on women’s and LGBT issues

Lawyers for the Roman Pantheon of Gods filed suit against Christianity today, seeking to regain authority over all Earthly affairs.

Lead Counsel Cicero claims Jesus “usurped” the position during a time of legal troubles for King of the Gods Jupiter and his family.

“The early part of the millennium was a chaotic time. Scurrilous allegations had been leveled against my clients for many years, especially regarding sexual misconduct.”

He said the Pantheon decided to step down and install a placeholder director until the legal matters were resolved. Cicero said his clients would prove Jesus’ tenure was intended to be temporary and he should now resign. “Bottom line, he was never supposed to remain in the position this long.”

Speaking on behalf of his family, the Sun God Apollo described “Yahweh” as a “former mid-level manager.”

“It’s not like he was a big deal at the office. All the execs were MeToo-ed, and he was just the last man standing.” He compared it to “a CEO stepping down and installing Ted from the mailroom to keep the seat warm.”

He also insisted Jesus could never have obtained his current position without the blessing of the Pantheon.

“Think about his career trajectory. Centuries of rule by the Greek and Roman gods, then suddenly *boom* this unknown comes out of left field to sign a no-bid contract with Emperor Constantine.”

Historians have long noted controversy about the Emperor’s conversion in 312 CE and the inconsistencies surrounding the event.

“It makes no sense. Jesus’ only experience was a side project with a minor Jewish startup sect. He had a handful of followers, a CV the length of a fortune cookie, and damn near zero physical infrastructure. Why would the most powerful empire in the history of the world suddenly be handed over to such a small-time operator? There’s no way that happens without my family’s backing.”

Apollo also claimed credit for the idea of a “holy trinity.”

“People were used to multiple gods, so I came up with the idea of a ‘three in one.’ But it’s thin as tissue paper, right? Would anybody have bought it without our divine intervention? It’s ridiculous.”

Lawyer Cicero argued that regardless of past allegations, his clients were in a better position to rule humanity in the 21st century.

“Jesus was fine for his time. But it’s a more enlightened era. The era of sexist and anti-gay policies is over. We think the Pantheon, with a mix of gods and goddesses, is a more representative divine group.”

“His positions on LGBTQ+ issues are positively Neanderthal,” Apollo added. “Our family represents a full range of sexual identities and preferences. As a pansexual myself, I find the current administration’s bigoted attitudes personally offensive.”

Asked how the family could use sexism in their arguments given the family’s history, Cicero was adamant.

“Those allegations were never proven. Much of the evidence used against my clients was based on Ovid’s book Metamorphoses, which the family has always maintained was exaggerated. In regard to that, yesterday we resolved a libel suit against his estate.”

The case he referenced is Jupiter et al. v. Ovid. As part of the settlement, the writer’s estate is prepared to testify he “printed exaggerated and defamatory material” in an effort to “make a name for himself.” In exchange, they will be held harmless for their ancestor’s actions.

The author’s credibility has suffered after revelations of his connection to disgraced media mogul Rupertus Murdochus.

“It feels good to have those matters behind us,” Apollo said, “but the damage to the family name has been a nightmare. I still remember all those Page VI stories in the Roman Times. ‘Panthe-on? More like Panty-off!’ He made us a laughingstock.”

We’d reached out to Jesus for comment earlier in the day, but had been told he “wasn’t in the office” and could not be reached at that time. The receptionist had suggested calling a prayer line. It was answered with the recorded message “we appreciate your worship, your prayer will be answered in the order it was received” before the call was disconnected.

Told this, Apollo became visibly agitated. “Jesus has been unacceptably negligent in the area of worshipper services. We were accused of being too hands-on, but a deity has to manifest verifiably in their followers’ lives at least once in a while. I’m sorry, people deserve more than the occasional blurry image on a piece of toast.”

John Werth is a Medium Top Writer in Humor and Satire. He’s not a real person, merely a sufficiently large number of monkeys typing randomly to string together a few coherent sentences. Please read “his” stories. Our credit with the fruit stand is running out, and we need the bananas.

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