THE KRAKEN NEWS | BREAKING NEWS | SATIRE
Breaking News: Medium Writers’ Feud Almost Caused US-Canada War
The mash-up that almost mashed up North America
Tuesday, 7 February 2023, Mooretown, Canada and St. Clair, USA. The United States and Canada have never been as close to the brink of war since the War of 1812 as in the last days. Despite months of teasing foreshadowing an increasingly tense feud between two Medium writers, the situation escalated to the international stage. Our journalist investigated the chain of events that almost destroyed North America.
It all began with Bradan Writes Stories’ mocking letter of confession revealing he had stolen the Monday Mash-up from fellow writer Jonathon Sawyer. The action became the catalyst in a latent conflict between the two writers, renowned editors of The Kraken Lore (TKL), which had been building up for several months.
According to renowned Medium expert Albert Alleswisser, the escalation almost caused a schism within the followership of the esteemed publication, even threatening to trigger a civil war within the Medium fiction community. “We were so close to World War Fiction!” said the expert, holding the tips of his right thumb and index finger very close to each other.
Since the handover of the Monday Mash-Ups from Bradan Writes Stories to Jonathon Sawyer in 2022, the Canadian ownership of the writing challenge has been uncontested. The seizure of control by the former, however, turned the Monday Mash-Up into a second Machias Seal Island.
As a retaliatory action, Sawyer commandeered Canadian Mountie Special Forces riding cybernetically enhanced Moose and skies in a cloak-and-dagger operation targeting Fort Knockoff, a secretive US strategic reserve of currency and Mountain Dew near Ford, Montana. The successful covert operation, which left thousands of sacks of money untouched, robbed the US of its strategic Mountain Dew reserves, creating the risk of country-wide civil unrest and leaving Bradan Writes Stories dewless.
Speaking to The Kraken News, local US Army officer Captain I. Obvious revealed how the United States identified Canadian Mounties as the perpetrators of the heist. “It was actually very obvious. There were no traces of all of the perpetrators. However, they left a paper note behind at the scene, reading, ‘We’re sorry!’ We immediately knew it must have been the Canadians!” According to Captain Obvious, American thieves would not have been this polite. His men also found discarded Christmas trees that had obviously been used to mask the Canadians’ approach.
Following the events, the United States and Canada exchanged angry diplomatic notes. Shortly after, their military forces took positions along the border North of Ford, Montana, which is pretty much South of nothing in Canada. Reportedly, both sides dug hastily through their archives to revive their respective war plans against each other— Defence Scheme №1 (Canada) and War Plan Red (US) — drawn up at the beginning of the 20th century. With no diplomatic solution in sight and neither nation willing to make concessions, Canada and the United States were trapped in a Mountie Standoff.
[Editor’s notes: A Mountie Standoff is like a stalemate before the shooting starts in Hollywood movies (formerly, disrespectfully called a Mexican standoff. I’m sorry!), but everybody feels quite sorry for shooting each other.]
It remains unknown what exactly caused the de-escalation of the conflict. According to Medium insiders, a secretive society of fiction writers known as the Medium Illuminati intervened. “We can’t be sure how things went down, but according to Medium rumours, a mysterious figure referred to as the Grandmaster exploded into righteous anger and shouted profanities in German until Bradan Writes Stories and Jonathon Sawyer secretly staged reverse heists and returned the stolen goods, allowing the United States and Canada to sweep the incident under the carpet.”
As a gesture of goodwill, the shortlived enemies formed two lines on the opposite sides of the US-Canadian border and waved at each other with all their fingers. “Obviously, everything is fine now,” said Captain Obvious, who was obviously trying hard to have the last word in this report.
[Editor’s note: Earlier reports that the words “Hands up, this is a robbery!” were heard at the scene in Fort Knockoff proved to be false.]
7 February 2023 is Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day.
Breaking News:
Hang a Larry: US-Canadian Intercultural Misunderstanding Goes Horrible Wrong
In Other News:
Popular Spanish Snacks Turn on Writers by culinary correspondent Bradan Writes Stories
Local Man Attacked by Coffee Maker by coffee correspondent Mark Suroviec, M.Ed.
About The Kraken News — Writing Prompt by Bradan Writes Stories
Used both prompts (for still just) 2 points
There are sacks of money 1 point
The stolen and later reverse stolen items are mundane (Mountain Dew) 1 point
(Yes, Bradan, for everybody else they are mundane items. I'm sorry!)
The Grandmaster explodes 1 point
Somethign that is not a mask is used as a mask 1 point
(Hell yeah, Christmas trees aren't masks)
Story includes the phrase “Hands up, this is a robbery!” 2 points
There's drama, suspense and foreshadowing 5 points
I created this tally 1 point
Subtotal: 14 points
Bonus: I stole all the points from the tally so far that Bradan stole from
Jonathon 134 points
Total: 148 points💯 Story Challenge — News Edition (25/100)
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