SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
Breaking News: All Facts Are Now Known, Say Experts
Important clever scientists say there are no more things for us to know
“You’re only as stupid as the facts you don’t realise you already thought you didn’t know you’d forgotten.”
- Ancient proverb. Probably.
As the news spread around the world, people’s mouths hung from their faces like a 90-year-old man’s saggy scrotal sac.
How could humans now know everything there is to know? It doesn’t make sense. Surely, there are more things to know than there are humans to know them?
Well, just because it doesn’t make sense, that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. It also doesn’t mean it is, but in this case, it actually is. Because the important clever experts told us. And they should know, because they know everything, as they’ve just said.
We sat down with one such expert: Dr Simon Glassesbaldhead, Professor of Knowledge at the University of North Southtown, Eastwestshire, England. Here’s what he had to say:
“Look, we were as surprised as everyone else. In the search for more things to know, we weren’t expecting to reach the end of the road this soon. But here we are. And here is the evidence to prove it.
“We conducted a study of 1,000 people aged between 18 and 80. We divided them into three groups. Group A: typical arrogant know-it-alls who think they know everything. Group B: low confidence shy people who assume they don’t know anything. And Group C: a control group of elephants, because they never forget anything.”
What did the experiment involve?
“We gave half of Group A a 1-week course of Ivermectin, and the other half a placebo sugar pill. A week later we asked them if they had learned anything new.”
What about Group B?
“We asked them to rate their emotional state on a scale of 1 to 100, with 1 being moderately happy, 100 being the happiest they’ve ever been, 25 being depressed, 78 being scared, 34 being confused, and so on.”
What were the results?
“We gained no new intelligible information. Thus, the only conclusion we could come to was that we already knew everything there is to know.”
We weren’t sure whether he knew what he was talking about. But we knew — or at least we thought we did — that if we asked him he’d just say “yes”. So we decided to seek a second opinion.
We spoke to Nathan Cleverclogs, Head of Data Integrity at the Big Database of All Known Information at the University of Maryland in Texas. Or somewhere like that.
He spent a whole hour showing us many pieces of information on his database. I can tell you for certain, all the things I saw were either things I already knew or things I didn’t know. There were even a few things I had forgotten I knew, so it was good to be reminded of those.
This proves to me, without a shadow of a doubt, that they know things that I know but also things that I don’t know. So it seems likely that they know everything. Because I know that I know more than anyone else I know. So, if they know more than me, that’s probably the most anyone can know.
We got tired of listening to experts who think they know what they’re talking about, so we went in search of someone who might not. We wanted to speak to your average Joe on the street. Or, if not on the street, in his garage.
“Look, all I know is, I know all I need to know. And that’s that that which doesn’t make you happy, doesn’t necessarily make you sad. It might make you anxious or surprised. Like when I found out I had a half brother who’d been in prison. I didn’t know what to think, so I thought: why I don’t I think happy thoughts. So that’s what I did, and here I am.”
Tired of speaking to men, we went in search of a woman. And guess what? We found one! Unfortunately, she didn’t have much time to spare, as she was busy doing a shoot for an online photo library.
At that point, we realised we’d only spoken to white people, which we thought might come across as racist. So, we went in search of some black people to interview. Then we thought that might also come across as racist if we only did it for the sake of it.
We didn’t know what to do, so we spoke to an Asian person instead. She was having a bath outside in her clothes.
We didn’t know what to make of that, so we went home. Tomorrow is another day, so say The Experts. Maybe then we will find someone who actually knows what they are talking about. But until then, this is all we know. At least I think it is. But even if it isn’t, it might be, and that’s good enough for me as far as I’m aware.
But what do you know?
Please let me know in the comments. But don’t list everything you know. That will take ages. Give me your top three most interesting facts. I will then write an article listing the most interesting facts from everyone.
Just make sure they are actual factual facts. Not fictional made-up facts or unfacts. A fact needs to be factual, otherwise, it’s not a fact.
In the words of Spandau Ballet, “I know this much is true…”
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