BPD: In Order to Heal, You Have to Embrace the Beast

The “beast” needs kindness and understanding to heal.

I have hated my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder for a very long time. Meaning that, for a very long time, I hated what was an integral part of myself. I actively hated the fact that I just had to be born with a predisposition for this mental illness, I hated the way my BPD made me feel, the thoughts it put into my head, the things it constantly whispered into my ear, the way it would completely take control of me during times of crisis. It felt like being robbed of my own persona and instead turned into a self-destructive, emotionally dysregulated machine.

I hated it so much that, believe it or not, I sincerely thought that the best way to deal with it was to simply try to stifle it as much as I could — which is exactly what you shouldn’t be doing if you have BPD. My mental illness was a beast whose existence was simply too ugly and intolerable for me, or other people, to see and acknowledge. So I would put on my well-adjusted-persona mask and try to avoid critical situations, and keep my agony to myself.

I grew up in a conservative environment that didn’t — and still doesn’t — believe in the existence of mental illness. According to the people I was raised by, depression simply means that you are “whining” and indulging in self-pity, and that you need to pull yourself together. It is no surprise that I internalized this medieval perspective to the point of thinking that my mental illness made me something of a “defective” human.

It was to my shock that I just recently realized how much of that preconception still haunted me, and this was after years of slow and painful progress and of educating myself on the subject of psychology, mental illness, and personality disorders. Even after acknowledging that BPD is a condition that stems from genetic, psychological, and neurobiological factors, I still thought less of myself for being “crippled” by such a condition. I still hated my “BPD mind” and my “BPD thoughts”. And, against my better judgment, occasionally I still do.

Unlearning self-loathing is never an easy process, especially when that self-loathing originated from ignorance and misconceptions which were enforced upon our young and impressionable minds by authority figures.

Consequently, I am in the active process of unlearning to hate the “beast” that I thought was plaguing me and to recognize it for what it is: a part of me that doesn’t make me a better or worse individual. I recognize my strength in keeping on fighting against this mental illness and in making small steps toward better emotional and mental health, and I am proud of that strength. Whenever I berate myself for “thinking BPD thoughts” or for having “inappropriate BPD emotions,” I try and recognize that this judgment is only exacerbating my mental health and that I should be practicing kindness, patience, and compassion instead.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Like many other people afflicted by BPD, I was raised with constant reminders that I wasn’t good enough, that I was irreversibly flawed, and that I would never be deserving of other people’s love. Those convictions have helped to shape the BPD “beast” inside me and to keep believing those ideas is to keep feeding the beast.

Instead, I am slowly and rather painfully learning that I need to “embrace the beast”. I need not only to acknowledge my BPD as part of myself, but also to accept it without judgment, and still practice the self-love that I need to practice in order to heal. I am learning to stop the hate and the anger and, instead, to allow myself to be who I am, even if that means being someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Understanding and love are slowly replacing those feelings. I know it will take time, I know there will be setbacks, and I know it won’t be easy or painless, but there’s no way around it, and that’s ok. The “beast” needs kindness and understanding to heal.

Embrace the beast.

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