Summary

A Medium writer humorously reflects on the impact of taking a holiday on their writing career and the challenges of returning to writing with a new French keyboard.

Abstract

The author of a Medium column contemplates the significance of their work by humorously comparing their absence during a holiday to the long-standing absence of the TV show Seinfeld, suggesting that their writing is as forgettable as a rerun of a classic sitcom. The writer anticipates a cold reception upon return, with the Medium algorithm potentially burying their work as punishment for inactivity. The struggle is compounded by the transition to an AZERTY keyboard, which disrupts the writer's typing proficiency, likening the experience to a pianist finding notes out of place. Despite past aspirations to write for a show like Seinfeld, the author now resides in France, facing the reality that their contributions to Medium might go unnoticed, even in their absence.

Opinions

The author believes that their writing is easily forgotten, much like old TV shows that are no longer on air.
There is a perceived indifference from the Medium algorithm and audience towards writers taking a break.
The switch to a French AZERTY keyboard is frustrating and significantly hampers the author's writing efficiency.
The author humorously downplays their writing career, suggesting that their work is as inconsequential as someone vanishing without a trace.
There is a sense of resignation that the writer's work might only be appreciated posthumously or not at all, with the Medium algorithm eventually burying inactive accounts.
The author reflects on past aspirations to be a comedy writer, contrasting it with their current situation as a Medium writer in France.

BORING WRITERS

Boring Medium Writer Goes on Holiday And Dies

Thank fuck for that!

A good friend recently asked me:

“Will you write your Medium column when you’re on holiday next month?”

My Medium column? Wow, that’s a nice way of putting it. Kinda cute.

“No,” I replied. “I’m going to give my column a break.”

“Won’t people miss it?”

I glared at my friend in disbelief.

“Are you serious? Why on earth would they do that? People miss Seinfeld more than they miss me. And Seinfeld hasn’t been on the air for more than twenty years.”

“But they might,” he added.

They won’t. I used to regularly read a couple of brilliant writers on here, before they disappeared into thin air. Now I can’t even remember their names. Can’t even remember what they wrote about.

By the time I come back from holiday in mid-August, I’ll have dropped off the Medium radar. My first piece back will be greeted with howls of derision from the Medium algorithm.

“So you haven’t given us any free content for two weeks,” the evil bastard will squeal. “As a punishment, you’ve got two weeks of no reads, no views, no comments, no money — and we’ll keep your $5 to buy a milligram of coke with.”

What do you have to do to get back to normal after a holiday on Medium? Double output? Two articles a day? Three?

This is going to be a problem, as I recently bought a new keyboard for my computer. I live in France, and finally decided to take the plunge and go full-French.

Going full-French doesn’t just mean living here, having a job, or knowing how to order a steak so it doesn’t arrive at your table alive. It means deposing of the Anglo-Saxon QWERTY keyboard that I’ve used my whole life. And going AZERTY.

(Note: The specks of white dust are not dandruff or cocaine— it’s ash. Someone had a fire recently that covered the entire village with white powder. True.)

As you can see, half the keys aren’t where they should be. This means a si,ple phrqse such qs this ends up like what you’ve just read. A mess.

It's like playing the piano for thirty years, only to sit down and realize half the notes are in the wrong place. Your perfect rendition of Moonlight Sonata now sounds like Sunset Sodomy.

It’s the reason, it’s taken me five weeks to write this piece. Glad I hadn’t earned a job on Seinfeld (if it was still going that is).

I used to love Seinfeld. It wasn’t as sugary and as sentimental as Friends, plus it was funny. I once read that they had a team of writers on the show. Could I be on that team, I used to think? I’m pretty funny.

George walks into his father’s apartment: “It stinks in here.”

Everyone laughs.

Wow! I could write that shit.

I didn’t. And thirty years later live on a rathole farm in Normandy writing for Medium using a French keyboard. If I walked off a cliff tomorrow (or went on holiday), no one would notice. Come on, let’s not be sentimental here, it’s true, isn’t it?

If you disappeared off the face of the planet, your Medium page and your precious “pinned” piece would remain there until the end of time. The only thing that might change is a tiny increase in followers. Until the evil Medium Algo realizes you’re dead, and buries your account deep in Silicon Hell located halfway up Elon Musk’s asshole.

Then if people still want to read your pieces, they can be the ones to venture up that dark alley to fish them out.

Thanks for reading this semi-erotic fantasy about Elon Musk owning Medium. For other madness, check out these pieces below.

BORING WRITERS

Boring Medium Writer Goes on Holiday And Dies

Thank fuck for that!

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