Body Shaming To Self-love: A Journey of 2 Decades

I was born obese, I grew up obese and I was called out for it every day. Until I decided to take charge.

I was made aware that my size is above average at a very young age. I recall my first distinct memory of body-shaming at the age of 11; My mother had taken me shopping for my birthday when the shopkeeper recommended we look at the adult's section for a size-appropriate top in a patronizing tone.

At the age of 11, I was made aware by a stranger that I was too big to shop at the kid’s section. At the age of 13, I was made aware by a boy that I was too big to be his girlfriend. At the age of 18, I was made aware by my slightly conservative and selectively-patriarchal relatives that if I do not lose weight no boy would marry me. Imagine, living a life where all you wanted to do was be loved — only to be constantly reminded that your BMI index isn’t deserving of love or lust. But, this did not stop me from living a fulfilling childhood/ adolescence.

How one handles success or failure is determined by their early childhood. — Harold Ramis

My growing years were full of friendships, love, social acceptance, and memories to last forever; Though, haunted with such occasional reminders. Until I graduated high school I was self-conscious within, passively hating my body while being the cheerful, extrovert everyone knew me to be. I was a closeted self-loather and having petite, beautiful friends around with charming boyfriends at that age did not help either. It was only in college that I realized my self-worth, and acknowledged the fact that if I love me — who are thee?

In college I began experimenting, experimenting with my clothes, my styling, makeup — a smidge of kohl here, a touch of tint on the cheeks, body-shaping jeans, and so on. It was at the age of 19 when I decided to take charge, listen to my heart, and block out unnecessary societal noise. It was also the age when I decided to stop looking for a boy’s approval, and decided to date men who like me for me! It did not happen overnight, but it definitely happened over the years and by the time I was 24, I was the most confident version of myself in all of my 135kgs at 5.1ft. In no ways am I claiming this weight/ size to be healthy, but I am claiming my mental status at that age to be the happiest.

How did I grow to love myself, every day, 365 days a year?

Daily affirmations:

At the age of 19, I read a book that spoke of telling yourself how much you love yourself. So one fine morning I got up, got dressed, and clicked a picture with my Nokia N72 in my bathroom mirror, and said to myself “You look gorgeous!”. Since then I have changed many phones, technology has improved and to date, I still do that; Only difference, now I click selfies and I post them occasionally on my social media accounts with #ootd or #selflove tags.

Invested in the right clothes:

A common misconception I had (and so do a lot of people, even today) was that baggy clothes made me look leaner, or hid my flab and curves. That is NOT true! Oversized clothes in fact make you look larger, and do not bring out one’s beautiful body shape. Over the years I have transitioned from just Jeans and T-shirts to dresses, skirts, and good shapewear! There’s nothing to lift your confidence, like a perfectly fitting outfit (and personally a red lipstick).

Be your own brand of sexy. — Susan Edelman

Ended fat-phobic friendships/ relationships:

As a deeply emotional person, comments impacted me a lot. I would brood over what one person said until it would give me anxiety! So I decided to dismiss people from my life who were fat-phobic. Classic examples of fat-phobic comments made to me would be, “Aakriti that’s a pretty dress, but you should have bought it in Black.”, “Aakriti you’ve lost weight! Though your face has lost all its charm.”, “Aakriti you should not eat the last slice of pizza, God knows you have enough cheese in you as-is.”. No sir, no — you do not need friends/people like these!

Consumed uplifting content:

As a Netflix-binger (formerly TV binger) and avid reader, I would consume a lot of content that displayed romances were only for the perfect woman. As I journeyed on self-love, I started researching and consuming TV shows/ novels/ movies which showed love, relationships, friendships beyond a certain type. This is important to me because I love my screen time. If you have another hobby, where it impacts your personal thoughts — then do a sense check, is it uplifting you and your mood personally? If not, then time to look for another hobby/ genre.

I stopped fad-diets and started gymming (occasionally):

Until I turned 20, fad diets were the way to lose weight for. Such as the GM Diet! All rage, and such bad after-effects. It was during my post-graduation that I finally joined a gym and started playing badminton — both occasionally. I am not very fond of exercise unless it's in the form of a sport I like which is why I declare the word occasionally above. So I paid a year’s membership and started going to the gym twice every week. I do not advocate that though, now at the age of 30, I realize. However, my point is, I began a routine — and stopped doing crazy diets that ruined my mood and health! It was during those two years of post-graduation I lost maximum weight, on my own initiative.

I fell in love with a man, who loved me for me:

Since I was in high school, I was constantly moving in and out of relationships. That did not help, there were good and bad days. Yet nearly all of them made me feel like I wasn’t enough. And then, I met the man who loved me for me. It truly changed my outlook on life and love. Until then I had never realized how important it is to have a partner who loves the WHOLE of you. Toxic relationships can be emotionally damaging, not just physically — something I wish I knew at the age of 17! I met a man who loved me, uplifted me every day; Today 10 years hence since we met, we’ve been married for 6 years!

In summary, I realized there is not a certain checklist that one could tick off to truly embrace self-love. It takes patience, it takes practice and sometimes it may take years, but it’s the first step that matters.

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