YOU GET A SATIRE — YOU GET A SATIRE — YOU ALL GET SATIRES!

Bigger Than Bunny Pox

How to success

Business Bunny, barely getting his low-profile face mic on his large furry white head —large even for his six-foot frame, hops out onto Stage 3 at the FarmCon 2022: Plant the Future.

He signaled for the music to stop the Journey-esque inspirational just-do-it Shia Labeouf music died down. His large brown eyes were manic. His bright yellow suit sucked all the light from the room creating its own source of light.

“You have all failed. That’s why you’re all here. Why have you failed?!” he bellowed in his squeaky voice, waving one of his white-gloved hands in the air.

“Because you suck!”

Two beats of silence, then —

The crowd cheered.

I recently sat down with Business Bunny, author of the surprise bestseller, Baller Bunny.

Actually, I can’t really call it a sit-down.

He never sat down.

He’s a rabbit. It’s difficult to follow his coke-frenzy level of energy.

Business Bunny is a very busy bunny. Thanks to what many are calling the most aggressive social media campaign in history, this energy has undoubtedly led to his meteoric rise. In the last 6 months or so since I last spoke with Business Bunny, a lot has happened.

A Netflix biopic on Business Bunny, aside from trying to explain his literally unexplainable rise to the top of the business world, documented his development of the cereal, Bunny Balls.

His cameos on various YouTube channels were overshadowed by his appearance as the snow fox on The Masked Singer. There is also an industry rumor that he snagged the starring role in Zack Snyder’s upcoming Watership Down 2: Dawn of Justice. He snagged the role from legendary Bugs Bunny who sighted ‘creative differences’ being the reason his John Travolta-style comeback was thwarted.

What will undoubtedly drag him down are his motivational speeches. He lunges into them with the same fervor he attaches to every project. With an ever-decreasing filter as to what is acceptable, his presentations are as cringy as Logan Paul in Suicide Forest. Every time he opens his mouth is a lesson in how to ruin your career.

“Chocolate bunny, Easter, Brer rabbit, Peter rabbit, Energizer, Hazel, March Hare in Alice in Wonderland, Roger Rabbit, Thumper, Velveteen, Teletubbies’ bunny, Bugs, Bad Bunny —

“What do those names have in common — aside from being names of rabbits?”

Business Bunny paced in strides instead of his customary skip/hop. He spoke rapidly, spittle spraying from his mouth. He gnawed on his bottom lip, staining his fur red.

There was audible shuffling in seats and one person, a small middle-aged woman in a flower-print sundress and glasses too big for her face, had gathered her purse, about ready to leave. When Business Bunny spoke again, she fell back into her seat dropping her oversized rainbow-striped handbag onto her lap with an audible huff like she was caught by her teacher.

“I feel sorry for the Bunny at the anti-cruelty society. They have her penned in. And now it doesn’t even want to escape,” Business Bunny said. “Just because you’re happy and content doesn’t mean you are free.”

A hand shot up in the audience, which was slowly growing. Business Bunny nodded at him to speak.

“One question I have for Business Bunny is — boxers or briefs?” Paul Bucklaw asked amidst the dwindling crowd.

“That’s what you want to know? — Look closer — ” Business Bunny said. “What makes you think I wear pants?”

Bucklaw guffaws and the remaining 10 people somehow fill the room with apprehensive laughter. This is the first I — or the crowd for that matter — noticed Business Bunny was wearing only a top coat.

“This is what I’m talking about,” he continued. “This is why I’m successful. Not my movies, not my YouTube channel, not my line of tail-hole-friendly vegan edible underwear — now in celery flavor — The more I have been underestimated, the more I succeed — exponentially.

“DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE BUNNY!

“Ever notice how an animal, especially a rabbit in the dark, gets spooked by a bright light? I ignore the bright light — and keep climbing that ladder of success while everyone else is distracted down below trying to figure out what the bright light was all about.”

To escape his voice, I sneak backstage to the green room.

His squealy, screechy voice is even louder in the green room.

There was a slideshow playing on a 72-inch plasma TV flashing short video clips of Business Bunny jumping and bro-ing out — finger-gunning at the camera like he was in an intro sequence to his own reality show on MTV— the same ones that were posted in the Hiatt Hotel lobby.

“Bunny Pox!” Business Bunny yelled as he burst into the green room like a furry, buck-toothed Kramer. His Saul Goodman suit was louder than his exclamation.

The door hit the wall and left a large hole.

I was used to the circular talk of motivational speakers — the seemingly ad-libbed speeches, but I was admittedly lost.

“Bunnypox?” I said, closing my laptop.

“Why are you here?” he asked me, beating me to my question for him.

Unsure how to answer, I said, my nose twitching and itching, “I’m doing a piece on successful business — ”

“Bull shit,” he said. He grabbed a chair, turned it backward, and sat across from me. “What was it you said in your other article?”

Not waiting for my answer, he said, pointing his finger guns at me — I felt as though I should dodge them.

“He’s like Gary Vaynerchuck — if he were trying to sell himself to you instead of yourself to you.”

He stared at me.

“I know I’m a joke,” he said. “That’s what the pointless story I just told to those dipshits out there was for. You don’t think I know what a fucking joke I am?

“I’m a FUCKING RABBIT — THAT DOES BUSINESS! Did you ever ask — has anyone ever asked — what fucking business I do? I’m a fucking joke!

“Not for long — ” he said under his breath.

Before I had a chance to ask what he said, he continued.

“Bunny Pox,” he continued, steepling his white-gloved fingers in front of his lips, pretending he was thinking of the analogy he undoubtedly already had pre-baked in his mind. He tapped his buck teeth with the tips of his fingers.

“It will fuck the world up. Just like the Chocolate bunny, Easter Bunny, Brer rabbit, Peter rab — ”

He could see I was growing impatient. I had bit my lip and I tasted blood. Had my front teeth grown?

“Just like all those icons, Bunny Pox is underestimated. Unlike them, Bunny Pox will wreak havoc on the world.”

“Aaargh!” A man screamed and staggered into the room. A white rabbit was attached to his neck. The right side of his grey business suit was dark and his white shirt bright red, drenched in blood. He was fighting a white rabbit with bright red eyes.

I heard screaming and saw people running from rabbits, fluffy white, some brown, all with sharp pointy teeth —

I suddenly craved carrots — and human blood!

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