Bernadette’s Rainbow Adventures, Part 1

The real reason giraffes have long necks

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5 , Part 6 , Part 7

What I am about to tell you will no doubt be vehemently denied by scientists around the globe. The scientists do not want you to know the truth. They want everyone to believe that giraffes developed long necks to nibble on the tops of trees. Well, that was just an afterthought. The real reason giraffes have long necks is so that they can more easily spot rainbows. There, the truth is finally out. We have disclosure.

It’s true, folks. I stake my reputation on it. The real reason giraffes have long necks is so that they can more easily spot rainbows. Did you know that there is a special elite herd of giraffe living on the Serengeti Plains who call themselves, The Rainbow Patrol?

It’s true. I once danced naked with them.

I fondly remember lying on the deck of a boat that was anchored just below Magumba Falls. It was a euphoric experience to look up into the water pouring down and see the rainbows dancing like fairies in the air. There are numerous different kinds of rainbows and I have experienced almost all of them. I could tell rainbow stories for days but I can’t right now. We’ve got plenty of clouds in the sky today and clouds mean rain and rain means the chance for spotting a rainbow. I shouldn’t even be at the computer right now but I haven’t finished my mojo tea. That’s okay, I’ll get out there soon enough. I just hope I’m not missing a rainbow as I type away. Sometimes I wish I had a periscope that protruded up through the roof of my house so that I can check all 360 degrees of the sky without having to go outside. Then I would never miss a rainbow.

Of course, I realize that one of the objectives of rainbows is to get more people out of the house. Observing a rainbow is one of the best ways to connect with Mother Nature and the planet but that connection is not the same when the rainbow is viewed through lenses. While viewing (experiencing) a rainbow it is best to be barefoot, standing upon the earth. Nothing should come between the soles of your feet and the skin of Mother Earth. That way, the energy of the rainbow can flow freely through you into the planet and the planet’s energy can flow up freely through you to connect with the rainbow. It is said that if a thousand people experience the same rainbow in this way that good things will come to the people of the land. Most people don’t know this but I went to Rainbow College so I know.

Okay, the tea just went cold so it is off I go on Rainbow Patrol.

My name is Bernadette. I am a ranking member of the super-secret International Order of Rainbow Patrollers. I graduated from Rainbow College during President Clinton’s first term in office. My first introduction to the world of Rainbow Mojo came at a much earlier age, however. I was living in Laredo, Texas around the time I entered puberty. That was not our home and we had been living there for only about a year. The family dreamed of going back to Alabama. I was going through puberty and to me Laredo was as good as any other place for that. The summers were hot and muggy and it rained a lot — at least that’s how I remember it.

One day I was walking home from my friend Kathy’s house. Puberty would be late for Kathy. Anyway, it very suddenly started to rain on my way home. It was one of what my humpbacked uncle Martin calls, ‘gully-washers.’ The rain was so thick it was like standing under a waterfall. I was instantly drenched. There was no use running anywhere so I just kept walking at my usual pace as I was walloped by boatloads of water. It was far, far better than any shower I had ever taken. I fell in love with the experience. To this day I have never owned an umbrella!

South Texas thunderstorms can come and go in a blink and so my ecstatic experience came to an end. My intense love of rain began to grow that day, though, and my next experience on that walk home that day would put me onto the path of Rainbow Mojo.

The air was so clean and fresh after that drenching shower! I was breathing it in as deeply as I could. And then I saw an old woman standing barefoot on her front lawn. Her arms were at her sides with palms out and her head was looking up into the sky. She looked like she was in trance or something. Not a single muscle moved on her face. She did not seem to see me as I approached her. Stopping, I looked up into the sky to see what the woman was looking at. It was a giant and very vivid double rainbow!

I stared at that double rainbow for a long time and when I turned to the woman I saw that she was out of her trance and staring deeply at me. For just a moment it was kind of creepy but then the woman smiled and said, “I’m Granny Maria. Would you like a Fresca?”

I didn’t know it at the time but I eventually realized that Granny Maria was a Rainbow Mojo Shaman. I was taught to never go into strangers’ houses for Fresca or anything else but for some strange reason I just followed the old lady into the house without hesitation. It’s like a magnet was pulling me in.

And thus began my initiation into the Mysteries of Rainbow Mojo….

Most people won’t even notice rainbows unless they can’t help it; unless the rainbow knocks them over the head. Most people don’t think about rainbows. Most people don’t realize that there are numerous different kinds of rainbows. Well, as someone with a Master’s Degree in rainbowology, maybe I can help enlighten people. (Or confuse them. I’m not sure what the result might be.)

I’m sure everyone has seen your typical rainbow that appears after a rain shower. I can’t imagine anyone not having experienced one of these in their lives. They are far more common than we think. This is your standard Class A rainbow.

Next we have the famous double rainbow. Those schooled in Western Academia will surely assume that a double rainbow has twice as much mojo as a single rainbow. This is not true. A double rainbow has ten times as much mojo as a single rainbow. If you are ever lucky enough to experience a triple rainbow, it has 100 times as much mojo as a single rainbow. It’s one of those exponential kind of things.

I’ve only experienced three triple rainbows in my life so far. The first one was in the mountains of Utah. The second one was while I was on rainbow patrol in the jungles of Papua New Guinea. The third one was in Dharamsala, India. Dharamsala is the place in India where the Dalai Lama and his people settled after their exodus from Tibet. Many people have wondered why the Dalai Lama chose Dharamsala as his “kingdom in exile.” Well, it’s because of the incredible number of rainbows spotted there. The Dalai Lama knows about the incredible power of rainbows.

If you’re ever lucky enough to experience a triple rainbow stop whatever the hell you’re doing and put 100% of your focus and attention on that rainbow. Genies who live in discarded lamps are all extremely jealous of triple rainbows. They are so incredibly powerful that, if you know what you’re doing, you can manifest mind-blowing miracles. It is said that Jesus was only able to turn a few measly fishes and a loaf of bread into enough food to feed three bar mitzvahs after he witnessed a triple rainbow. Supposedly, Gandhi had the biggest epiphany of his life after seeing a triple rainbow. When Babe Ruth pointed at the center field bleachers as though to announce that he was going to hit a home run there, what he really was pointing at was a triple rainbow. Never, ever, underestimate the power of a triple rainbow!

Then there are waterfall rainbows. These can be very, very powerful, depending, of course, on your state of mind when you bring them within your being. Personally, I have traveled the world visiting every waterfall that I can find. My thesis in Rainbow College was on waterfall rainbows and how they affect history and social stereotypes and religious archetypes. If humankind had any idea how powerful waterfall rainbows were, they would be climbing over each other to get to the nearest waterfall. Perhaps it’s a good thing most humans don’t know about this particularly intense mojo.

Then there’s the kind of rainbow one finds in a puddle on the street. This isn’t a particularly powerful rainbow but the mojo is enough to completely change the course of someone’s day.

Then there is a snow rainbow. Have you ever experienced one of these? Snow makes a very different kind of rainbow — energetically speaking — than a rain rainbow. The temperature differential throws the mojo into a whole different vibratory spectrum. It has been said that Santa Claus never leaves the North Pole until he’s seen a snow rainbow. After a feast of Siberian mushrooms, the reindeer are ready to fly but they won’t take off until they’ve seen a snow rainbow.

Then there is the rainbow created by sprinklers. This is a very different kind of rainbow because it is human-made. (Notice I said human-made instead of man-made because females are equally responsible.) The mojo of this particular kind of rainbow seems to affect children more strongly than old fogeys.

There are also rainbows created by volcanoes. These are pretty rare but I got to experience one in Hawaii quite a few years ago. I also experienced one of these in Indonesia but I was too sick from the local cuisine to fully appreciate it.

Then there are the rainbows experienced in Dreamland. Most people don’t dream about rainbows but once you’ve been on the Rainbow Patrol for awhile rainbows start appearing in your dreams on a regular basis. I’ll talk more about these when the time is right.

Then there are crystal rainbows. I’m not allowed to talk about those except with people who have been through the rudimentary rainbow classes.

Then there are the rainbows created when angels pee. I only got to experience this once and it was so mind-blowing that it changed my life forever.

There are at least six additional kinds of rainbows but I can’t speak about those except to those humans who have been inculcated to Rainbow Mojo. Supposedly, there is even an additional seventh kind of rainbow that is only experienced by ascended masters. I’m still waiting for this to happen to me.

There are many different kinds of rainbows but to truly experience the different kinds of rainbows one must truly understand Rainbow Mojo and not just merely see the rainbows. Rainbows vibrate across the spectrum and therefore visual contact is never enough. I studied with Granny Maria for close to seven years before I had a rudimentary grasp of Rainbow Mojo. Subsequent learning from both the Rainbow College and other Rainbow Mojo Shamans that I have met around the world finally opened up the world of Rainbow Mojo to me. It was a long, arduous, lifetime quest on my behalf but it has left me in a position where I can open up the world of Rainbow Mojo to the masses. And that’s why I’m writing this book. The super-secret International Order of Rainbow Patrollers has finally decided to come out into the open.

Hopefully, people will begin to realize the mojo available to them. Once they do, nothing will ever be the same.

Rainbow Mojo is an incredibly powerful tool that humankind would benefit from, especially in this time of change. But we can’t utilize a tool that we know nothing about. That’s why it’s so important for everyone to jump into the planetary discussion on Rainbow Mojo.

Of course, it’s important to realize that before one seeks out the rare advanced Rainbow Mojo experiences it is always best to have a rudimentary understanding of Rainbow Mojo basics. That’s what I hope to share. I hope it is enough to wake people up to Rainbow Mojo and produce a curiosity and excitement to experience it.

I will endeavor to be gentler with everyone than Granny Maria was with me.

I remember the searing pain as the gnarled, wrinkled, and arthritic hands of Granny Maria slapped my face repeatedly; over and over and over. We were in the middle of the “thoughtless rainbow” exercise. Granny Maria told me that she was psychic and could read my every thought. The exercise occurred during a rainbow. The objective was for me to stare at and surrender to the rainbow without allowing a single thought to enter my noggin, as Granny Maria called the mind.

Since Granny Maria was psychic and could read my every thought, she knew if I was thinking about anything and she would soundly slap me across the face until I flushed all thoughts out of my noggin. Between slaps she would explain that the only way for the full complete Rainbow Mojo of a rainbow to flow unimpeded through us was if our noggins were completely shut off and all thinking had come to a stop. I thought about what Granny Maria said and then got soundly slapped across the face for thinking it. I learned that thinking is the major element that keeps us from seeing, understanding, and utilizing Rainbow Mojo. I also wondered just how psychic Granny Maria really was because I swear there were times that I wasn’t thinking about a single thing and she slapped me anyway.

It took me several years but I finally learned that Rainbow Mojo can never be mastered utilizing the left portion of the human brain; that testosterone drenched center of logic and reasoning and common sense. The profoundly divine energy of a rainbow can only be felt, and this requires the use of the solar plexus in conjunction with the intuitive right half of the brain. The second we try to understand a rainbow with the reasoning left half of the brain is the second that we put up a barrier to the true understanding and experiencing of that rainbow.

Think about it. A rainbow occurs when the sun (a male energy) comes into contact with water (a female energy). The third unseen element is air. The result is a rainbow. Imagine what it would be like to think of our children in this way.

I’ll tell you a little secret. A rainbow is the result of Mother Nature having an orgasm.

Uh-oh, I think I’m entering that zone where I’m talking about stuff that I shouldn’t be talking about yet. Oh, what the hell, I may as well tell everyone one of the biggest secrets of all. Every rainbow is the result of some orgasmic event in the universe and conversely every event in the universe is the result of some energetic orgasm — whether we noticed it or not. You can try to figure out which came first and that will create a barrier to understanding.

Do I now sound like some kind of rainbow freak? Ha! Hell, I haven’t even gotten started yet!

Surely every human who is at least 25 years old has seen that iconic album cover for Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. Light hits a prism and turns into a rainbow. That was a subliminal message to humankind to remember and begin utilizing Rainbow Mojo. The numbers of Rainbow Patrollers has increased significantly since that album came out.

In learning about Rainbow Mojo we eventually realize that each of us is a prism. We are the conduit, the vessel, through which the light of our Source passes through, resulting in a rainbow. A major part of Rainbow Mojo is becoming a perfectly clear and open prism. While it is important to connect with the many different kinds of rainbows in nature and our illusory physical reality, eventually, when we have become a perfectly clear prism we can then connect directly with the Source energy flowing through us and create our own rainbows at will. Once we realize that we can consciously create rainbows then it becomes obvious that we can create ANYTHING.

But I digress…. It was an attempt at clearing the prism that I am. That’s how Granny Maria explained all the slapping years later when I ran into her while on vacation in Cuba. Endless patterns of thinking are what muddy up the prism and Granny Maria thought she could just slap those thoughts away. She said that it had worked for her before with previous apprentices but for some reason it did not work well with me. She said that with some of her apprentices she could put them into a perfectly clear prismatic state with just one solid blow across the face. I asked her if her slapping technique was in any way connected with Carlos Castaneda’s assemblage point thingie and she replied, “Who’s Carlos Castaneda?”

No matter how hard or how often Granny Maria slapped me my mind just kept on squirting out thoughts. There were times when my face was so bruised and bloody that Granny Maria had to get out her magic ointment. That stuff worked wonders. Within just half an hour my face was all back to normal and I could go home. It would not have been a good thing for my mommy and daddy to see my face all beat up.

It took years of slapping before I got better at releasing my thoughts. I can clear my prism much more easily now — especially if I’m in the presence of a rainbow. Slapping really isn’t necessary and I consider it rather old school but I’ve seen it work with others and it did eventually help me somewhat.

I remember the very last time Granny Maria ever slapped me. It was on my very last day in Texas. I had gone to her ramshackle house to say good-bye. That is when she told me that she had done all she could for me and that the next step for me was to go to Rainbow College. I reminded her that the airline tickets in my purse were for California; that I was going to Stanford. That’s when she slapped me as hard as she could across my face. Pointing her crooked finger at me she said, “You are going to Rainbow College!”

I only lasted one semester at Stanford before they kicked me out for having the wrong attitude. It would be a few years but I eventually did go to Rainbow College just like Granny Maria prophesied. And I’m so glad I did….

More of Bernadette’s Rainbow Adventures: Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5 , Part 6 , Part 7