Sex/Relationships
Being Too Tired For Sex in A Relationship is Normal — But When Does it Become A Bigger Problem?
The dance of commitment continues.
I’ve been too tired for sex lately. Frankly, I’ve been fantasizing about sleep more than anything else. I know my partner is exhausted too.
I’m not the only one who’s in a relationship and feels this struggle.
We always have good reasons for being exhausted. We’re here in the trenches — the trenches of raising kids, working, and managing a life together. This is not an uncommon issue within marriage and/or long-term relationships.
We get up early, we pay the bills, we shuttle the kids, we cook, we clean, and we GIVE. We give our attention, our emotions, and our undying love to our children daily.
Yet, so often we don’t give those things to one another, separately.
At night, we fall into our bed, drained — even on the weekends. But this doesn’t mean that I don’t desire my partner. I truly do. I get tired of being too tired for sex as I know my partner does as well.
I often imagine us making love — passionate love. I imagine myself energetic and full of sexual vigor, arousing my partner to no end.
Unfortunately, quite often, I am just too tired for a sexual encounter — or at least a decent one. I sometimes wonder if things would be better if I were more sex-crazed or had a higher libido.
Yet sometimes I am full of that vigor, though not as often or for as long as I’d like. Not like I see in the movies or on TV. Not like the couple I imagine we should be. Not like the couple I think we have to be.
Life has tossed our priorities onto a slanted scale where our sex life is on the light end. I know my partner would like to sweep me off my feet on any given day and carry me off to the bedroom, giggling. However, the reality is that, on most nights, I’d rather relax on the couch before the next chore or problem arises.
There’s no glamorous romance here. Not like when we were dating. There are no more carefree nights or never worrying about making too much noise in bed.
There’s just us. Hoping to snag some privacy. Hoping to have some moments alone to connect again to who we are and were. Knowing how much we love one another yet frequently failing to be able to show it physically while we run on the hamster wheel of life.
Such is life, partnership, marriage, and raising children. It can wipe the physical romance completely off your relationship map if you allow it.
But you can’t allow it. Not if you want to make things work. You’ve got to try and reverse that pattern of ignoring one another’s needs — if only a small gesture— no matter how exhausted you might be.
A flirty text, an unexpected hug, a stolen kiss. Maybe even a day where you meet up at home and make love while the kids are at school. Take those rare moments in between the monotony of doing the hard work that raising and supporting a family requires.
I’ll admit I’m often way too tired for sex at the end of a long day that started before 6 a.m. I’ll admit that I don’t try as hard as I should. And I’ll admit that I could do better. We can do better. As partners and as lovers.
Knowing we can do better in our relationships and actually making that extra effort feels overwhelming at times. It takes commitment. It’s like running a marathon when you’re already spent, yet pushing yourself that much farther to get a lead on things. It’s hard. But it’s possible.
Your relationship might thank you for it if you just try.
Still here? I also have a podcast about being a stepmom. Check it out if you’re interested.
