Becoming a Better Version of You

It’s taken a lot of work and commitment to get here, but I set up a process to improve my habits, and I trusted it.

Most of us have some sort of vague notion of who we’d like to be (and I don’t mean Beyonce); how we’d like to be perceived by the world, and more importantly, how we’d like to truly be and perceive ourselves. For some of us, that person (I call mine #BVoM for #BetterVersionofMe) is distinct and clear in our mind, and for some, it’s just a vague “different.” However vague or clear, we each find ourselves varying distances away from that reality, that ideal self. While it’s probably healthy to keep a little distance between us and who we’d like to be, if the distance seems insurmountable, hope can be diminished or dashed. In fact, that distance can be a source of pain that can leave us feeling unfulfilled and untethered at best, and resentful and depressed at worst.

Until the last two years, I was the latter. I didn’t like who or where I was and I had lost hope of finding a path to the version of myself I wanted to be. In fact, I’d lost sight of that #BVoM altogether.

In order to get myself out of that situation, I knew I had to figure out who that #BVoM was and how she spent her time. Then I had to develop a roadmap between me and her.

My Own Habit Road

I’m going to be excruciatingly honest here, because that seems to be my niche. I’ve struggled with mental illness (specifically depression, anxiety, and ASD which was only diagnosed within the last few months) my entire life. As a result, the core of my life has been a struggle for survival wherein my own brain was a sort of double agent — sometimes on my side and sometimes on the side of my disease. It was unpredictable and excruciating and it threatened my life for decades. In an attempt to stave off the beast, I developed bad habits as shields. Eventually, I was in my mid-40s and living alone in a metaphorical Quonset hut constructed of trauma-inspired bad-habit-shields. I was sort of protected, but mostly I was just angry all the time and extremely difficult to get along with.

I drank too much. I ate too much. I resented everything and everyone, most of all myself. And in 2019, just before the pandemic began, I had the intention of ending my life imminently. Then grace intervened.

I’m telling you this so you know — if you’re in a bad place, I may not have been exactly where you are, but I’ve been in the vicinity. In fact, you could say I grew up around there.

(Re)Framing Your Life in Habits

Think of your habits as the skeleton on which you’re building your life. Would the person you’re aiming to be have the habits you have today? If they would, then fantastic! You’re on your way. But if they wouldn’t…how so? What’s the difference between their habits and yours today? How can you close the gap?

It Starts with a Choice

There are so many cliches that emphasize the point, but I want to say it afresh. The commitment I made (almost 2 years ago now) to change my habits and thus improve my life was the hardest part of the path to having excellent habits (which I now do).

Put another way, I had to get over myself enough to try. I had to put down all the shields of bad habits I’d carefully assembled. I had to get my ass out of the Quonset hut of pain I’d built, and into the scary sunlight. It was hard and it seemed counterintuitive — being “out there” had hurt me. A lot. This would be hard.

Maybe that’s where you are right now.

I’m giving it to you straight. If I could do it, you damn sure can.

Setting Foundational Goals

When I decided to get well, when I determined that I would do anything, give up anything, do whatever was necessary to create a life for myself that I deemed worth living, I was still living in a haze — the miasma of fight or flight, survival level living for decades. My brain was wired for defensive crouching and lobbing potshots at any perceived threat (which was pretty much everything and everyone). I couldn’t even think of what “happiness” would look like. I couldn’t think of what I wanted beyond “to not be like this.” So that’s where I started. At that point I had a vague vision of the #BVoM I wanted to be. I knew she didn’t drink as much as I did. I knew she took good care of herself…but what would that even look like? I really was starting from zero.

Baby steps. For me, at that moment, drinking more water and eating more vegetables & fruit seemed like something I could do easily. Cutting back on wine would be more difficult, but I would try. That was the best I could do at that point. And, with time, it was enough.

It took a bit of experimenting to get just the right conditions necessary for me to follow through and get the whole habit thing down. Here’s what I wish someone would’ve told me as I started down this path.

Logistics (or, setting yourself up for success)

You can set goals and determine to change/instigate a habit, but if you don’t actually carry through in measurable ways, it’s just a wish. Here are the actionable items that I found to be crucial in setting up my new routine of excellent habits.

DO:

Start Slow & Low

I know how tempting it is to set your habits high when you’re starting out down this path. You know what your #BVoM does, and you want to do that. But meet yourself where you are. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else (even to your #BVoM!), because your life and body are unique to you as theirs are to them.

Once you’ve established the basic pattern, it’s much easier (and more rewarding!) to gradually add to a habit (maybe eat two servings of fruits and veg instead of one) than it is to try to start as an overachiever and then be discouraged when you don’t meet your goals.

Be Specific

If your goal is to “eat more fruits and vegetables” and you currently eat next to none, don’t suddenly tax yourself with eating five servings daily. It’s not fair, and you’re likely to resent the habit, yourself, and the poor fruit and veggies that did nothing wrong at all. Don’t even worry about the eventual goal right now. Think you can commit to eating one serving four days a week? Great! There’s your first habit.

Keep Track

What sort of tracking system will work best for you? I knew that for me, an analog solution wouldn’t work. I needed something digital that would bug me until I completed a habit, then record my actions and organize all my stats for me. Luckily, there are apps for that!

But if you know you won’t utilize a digital habit tracker, then determine what will work for you. A big whiteboard in the kitchen? A special notebook you carry with you? Whatever you’ll do is what you should do.

If you’re not sure, try out a few different methods of tracking and choose the one that feels best for you. But don’t get too hung up on the tracking method! In my experience, it’s best to find one that is sustainable for you and use it consistently than to be constantly switching methods.

Celebrate Your Successes

One great perk of electronically tracking your habits is that you don’t really have to think about it — you just check off the habits as they’re done and soon you have a row of little stars or checks or other marks that will make you feel ridiculously proud.

So celebrate your accomplishment in a healthy way. For example, if you’ve succeeded in reaching your goal for fruit & veg intake for a predetermined period, treat yourself to a delicious salad or a trip to the farmer’s market to try something new. I recommend choosing rewards that are sustainable (meaning you can do them repeatedly without too much fuss) and that are linked in some way to the habit (like fruits and the farmer’s market) so that they’re linked in your mind.

DON’T

Talk about it too much

It’s natural to want to share good news and goals with people in your life. You’re excited! But know that your self-improvement may feel threatening to others, even if they don’t recognize their own feelings as such. The work of bettering oneself goes deep to feelings of worth and insecurities that may be hidden. An indifferent (or even hostile/sarcastic) reaction to your enthusiasm (that really has absolutely nothing to do with you) may catch you off guard and discourage you.

Also, being honest with yourself about this is hard enough without engaging other people, which means you have to answer to them as well as yourself. A well-meaning “how are you doing with that goal?” that comes at the moment when you’re deciding you may need to adjust your goal downward might make you feel bad about yourself.

In short, I advise keeping your habit goals to yourself, at least temporarily, to avoid putting too much pressure on yourself.

Think of this as temporary

Developing good habits is very different than going on a crash diet to look good for an event. The event in question is your life, and the goal is to feel good about yourself, full stop. Looking good will follow as a marvelous side effect. The habits you’re developing will serve you well for the rest of your life, and help you face the inevitable adversities that come your way. They will be your anchor if you let them.

Reward yourself with a “cheat” day

(Also, see “don’t think of this as temporary”) Being honest with yourself is a huge part of this whole self-betterment thing. Would you work on strengthening your relationship with your partner so that you can cheat on them once in a while? Don’t lie to yourself about your goals and what you’re willing to do to reach them. Don’t cheat yourself out of being your own #BVoM.

Before I got well, I habitually lied to and cheated myself — it was evidence of my lack of self-respect. I would say to myself, “have a bottle of champagne and a banana split and sleep till noon. You deserve it.” But it wasn’t a matter of deserving it. I was “rewarding” myself with things that undermined my well-being and goals. I’ve found that there’s a fine line between self-care and self-destruction. Be wary of it.

Where I Am Now

Roughly two years after starting down my path to better habits, I’m very much a work in progress. But aren’t we all?

Everyone’s goals are different, and thus what constitutes a “good habit” to one may be unimportant to someone else. But I am where I need and want to be today because of my “skeleton of habits” that I’ve built.

I’m 20 pounds lighter than I was when I began and healthier than I’ve ever been. I know exactly how I want my career to unfold and I’m taking the necessary steps to get there. When I began, I couldn’t fathom drinking fewer than five days a week. Now I have no desire to drink more than two, if even that.

And most importantly, I’m happy for the first time in my life. I feel connected to my purpose and like I’m moving toward being my own #BVoM.

Do I complete every scheduled habit every day? Absolutely not. I could adjust my goals so that I could more easily complete them all every day, but I enjoy having a bit of stretch — currently, I’m completing all 6 of my daily goal habits about half the time. On the other days I’m completing about 80–90%. I feel good with that.

It’s taken a lot of work and commitment to get here, but I set up a process and I trusted it. I’m so proud of myself, and of you, for even thinking of starting down this path. My #BVoM and I will see you and your #BVoM there. We believe in you.