Beauty Standards: How to Release Them and Start Enjoying Your Body

As a freed American woman, here’s what I know about body love.

So last week, I got pretty physical with this guy I’d been crushing on. It felt sweet, safe, and honest, and… my legs were clearly hairy: long, dark hairs up my thighs. Somehow I still felt like a beautiful sex goddess. I even gave him ongoing directions about what I wanted. How wild!

But is it absurd to feel attractive in our natural female bodies? I wish it weren’t.

I recently realized over 90% of U.S. women shave body hair regularly. But more than shaving standards, it’s the repeated implications that we’re aesthetically defective.

I used to think there was just fat and skinny. Apparently, there are lots of things that can be wrong on your body, –Cady Heron in Mean Girls.

Maybe you remember the gorgeous teens complaining about “weird hairlines,” “huge pores,” and “man shoulders”? We laughed because it seemed bizarre in that scene, but we also recognized the stream of body criticisms. Comedy means telling the truth, right?

My approach has been to explore and heal my relationship with my body. I took a long break from shaving, an extended dating gap, a deep dive into feminist writing, cut ties with social media, and reviewed women in cinema. Movies feel different with ladies on the leadership team.

Positive change happens when you start where you are. One step at a time, we can enjoy living in our bodies and savor our powerful, passionate natures. We can disrupt unrealistic standards and cherish authentic beauty without letting it define us.

Acknowledging Beauty Expectations

When I started writing on feminist topics, I discovered most women (91%) use dieting to change their body shape. Also, only five percent of us naturally have that “ideal” figure we see in American media.

Even then, Megan Fox, who we collectively view as a sex icon, has deep body insecurities. As I read about her body dysmorphia, I felt sad but not surprised.

I almost always wanted to be beautiful. I practiced makeup at 14, drawing thick eyeliner and caking on the foundation. If I looked perfect, maybe I wouldn’t feel so rejected. Maybe, I’d feel seen and important, like those films where they give the girl a makeover, and then she’s cool.

My efforts sort of worked. Guys did find me attractive, and I received ongoing male attention. But I began to rely pretty heavily on their perspective, unknowingly, of course. Have you ever searched: “Do guys like…” before making a beauty choice? I have.

Regardless of our appearance, most women feel intense pressure to change themselves, which sucks. Think of all the mental and physical energy you’d have if you felt more relaxed about your body.

It takes time to rewrite these inner dialogues — and lots of compassion — but it’s possible. We can remove most of the pressure around how we should look, one story at a time.

You can start by exploring your list of “shoulds” or “musts.” These are all those explicit or implied stories our culture conditioned you to believe. Once you spell it out and figure out where they came from, it’s easier to reset.

Exploring body image pressures

So I’ve felt self-conscious about my feet for a long time: a size nine or ten in women’s shoes. My childlike response was, “How cool! I get to wear adult shoes now!” But then my older brother effectively crushed my enthusiasm with: “Gross. Women aren’t supposed to have big feet.”

When looking at that list of “shoulds,” you can usually track down who told you that or where the belief came from. Then, shake that shit out. Reset.

My new feet dialogue: I love having long feet. They give me balance and have an elegant shape. I enjoy painting my toenails in bright colors. Also, my feet are intrinsically feminine because they’re part of my female body — end of story.

Here are a few ways you can reframe your inner dialogue:

• Write a love letter: to your most unloved body part. Apologize for the criticisms. Notice how this body part helps you. Try some compliments.
• Take naked pictures: just for you. Even when it’s hard to feel beautiful, look for the beauty. Notice what features you love. Try accepting all of it.

Both of these exercises felt very helpful. I wrote a letter to my vulva hairs and gave my ass plenty of compliments.

You might feel pretty angry while exploring the roots of body image pressures. That’s good. Though it gets a bad rep, anger gives us a call to action.

Anger is meant to be acted upon. Not acted out. Anger is a map. It will always tell us that it’s time to act in our own best interests, — Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way.

Maybe it’s time to make some changes. Here are a few I’ve made:

• Shaving mindfully: and curiously. Why am I actually shaving my legs?
• Deactivate social media: Taking an ongoing break feels like self-care.
• Cut my hair short: Did I grow long hair because men liked it?
• Stop shaving down there: I still trim, but maybe I like it this way better.
• Explore female-led entertainment: Noticing the differences feels fascinating.
• Use makeup mindfully: Do I like how this looks? How does it feel?

How you care for and present your body gets to be an ongoing dialogue. Getting curious about how you make these decisions and prioritizing your needs and feelings are beautiful steps in the right direction.

Also, removing any unhelpful outer pressures makes a big difference too. Think critical people in your life, Instagram accounts that lead to low self-esteem, or any aspirational clothing.

Enjoying our feminine bodies

So I still get period pains, body aches, and all that, but I feel more like I’m on the same team with my body. I’m listening, exploring, and regularly choosing compassion.

Eat food. I’ve dabbled in dieting, read several nutrition books, and got scarred by diet culture. You know, where we assign moral values to the food we eat and criticize body fat as being unhealthy.

Marion Woodman, a Jungian psychologist, gives recommendations on positive eating rituals in Addiction to Perfection:

Listen to [your body’s] wisdom. It knows how to heal itself if I give it the chance. Recognize my own responsibility for my own beautiful body whether it is big or small. This is my life, — Woodman.

Explore movement. I’ve been active since I was 12 years old. I’ve also been forceful more often than I’d like to admit and have had several injuries when I pushed too hard. Now, I prioritize strength, energy, and kindness.

You can choose fun, natural movements when you’re not trying to meet external standards. Whether it’s yoga, walking, running, hiking, dancing, playing sports, or lifting weights, listen to what your body wants.

Enjoy physical beauty. While I felt I should be beautiful, I also got the message that I shouldn’t enjoy it too much. As a pre-teen, someone told me I looked pretty, and I replied with a simple, “I know.” But the adults chastised me for not saying “Thank you.” What a mind fuck.

Now, I express myself in ways that feel authentic and usually like how I look. But I feel grounded enough to know that my body will continue changing, like a blooming flower. So I don’t confuse my appearance with who I really am. It’s a temporary experience, and that’s lovely.

Based on experience and advice from my therapist, I recommend exploring many styles and body decor to see what you like. Do you prefer colored eye shadow? Enjoy flower patterns? Or relish more wild expressions?

You don’t have to apologize for looking good. No one benefits from you playing small, and no matter what you wear, you’re never “asking for it.”

Feel good. With sexuality, I discovered I’m in the “top one percent” of sexually promiscuous women in America. Here are a few helpful takeaways:

• Sexuality is a blessing, not a curse; enjoy it.
• We get to channel sex energy in a wide variety of creative ways.
• Asking for what you want is the best way to get it.
• In the bedroom, ladies come first, and you’ll both feel much better.
• Mindful masturbation and sex communication are helpful tools; explore.

I’ve started focusing more on how I feel than how I look during sex. I used to unconsciously prioritize the man’s experience way too often. That doesn’t work for me anymore. Now, I do what makes me feel relaxed and sexy, and I choose partners who are on board.

Lastly, this advice works better when you tune in to your infinite self. The present moment is all that ever exists, and the ups and downs feel far more manageable when you tap into your inner ocean.

Reframing my relationships with men and my body has been critical. Unraveling the centuries-deep need to please guys takes time, but it’s so worth the effort.

But the more we share our stories, call out patriarchal beauty expectations and start dressing for ourselves, the more integrated we feel.

Being selective about the men you invite into your life helps a lot too.

Remember to be gentle with your process. The negative stories didn’t form overnight, and resetting those beliefs won’t happen quickly. That’s okay. Try to relax and be curious about your discoveries.

By the way, the crush I mentioned earlier is sensitive and clearly values gender equality. That’s a new thing for me, and it feels great. Though he didn’t comment on my natural legs, he touched them a lot. I had a great time.

Maybe women’s empowerment is making progress… slowly, of course.

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