As a Feminist Bi Woman, Dating a Woman Sounds Way Better

Heterosexual relationships have not been great for women.

It’s a Saturday afternoon, and I’m on a first date with a man. Even though I’m very selective about potential partners, we seemed to be clicking. Oh my god, is this happening?! An hour into our chat, I find myself describing feminine repression, trying not to get lost in a rant. How much does he need to know about my feminism journey? Where to even begin?

For context, I consider myself a low-key dating expert since I’ve easily spent over 10,000 focused hours practicing and understanding romance. Historically, I’ve had about five “serious” romantic relationships with men; however, my deep female friendships, sexual exploits, and ongoing flirtations have me interested in women.

For more context, I’ve also spent the last year researching feminism, doing shadow work, healing numerous traumas, and not dating. Despite the many challenges of deep romance, I want intimacy and love. So I’ve been “getting back out there” and exploring romantic potentials.

Though I used to think dating women would be difficult given gender role ambiguity, I’m not so sure anymore. Seeing research data on heterosexual relationships and reflecting on my intimate experiences with men, I feel a bit cynical. But through murky realizations, I’ve identified rays of hope that I’m clinging to.

I’m creating an informed, loving path forward by clarifying things like orgasm gaps, imbalance in household chores, lack of shared emotional labor, power imbalance, and lack of emotional maturity or emotional safety.

Women deserve so much more praise and recognition than how our patriarchal culture treats us. We deserve partners who encourage our authenticity, praise our creativity, and add value without trying to “fix” us.

When we stop accepting less, we initiate positive change for everyone. We stop believing our boundaries are offensive and start knowing they’re healthy. We start to fully accept ourselves.

Are women encouraged to self-actualize?

Patriarchy is a system where men consistently hold a majority in positions of power and leadership. Since America has always prioritized men’s views, needs, and desires, most women grow up feeling like second-class citizens.

Not only does this cause numerous difficulties for women individually, but this imbalance negatively impacts our culture as a whole. I attribute things like burnout, increased anxiety, all forms of abuse, excessive waste, and other coercive structures at least partially to feminine repression. Belittling femininity hurts everyone.

Let’s get specific: the simple answer to the self-actualizing question is a clear “No.” Things like nuclear family structures, pressure to reproduce, capitalist systems, impossible standards, social conditioning, and productivity culture leave little time or encouragement for pursuing our creativity, passions, and desires.

Being homeschooled and raised in conservative Christianity heavily influenced my worldview from an early age. When I neared high school graduation, my dad said, “You can live at home for as long as you want, until you get married and move in with your husband.”

My extended family members often repeated their expectations for me to get married and have babies, sooner than later. My experience seems pretty common based on stories I’ve read, talks with friends, and historical literature.

As Melissa Febos writes in “Girlhood,” “Sex and love have been dues women owed to society for much longer than they’ve been voluntary routes to our own fulfillment.”

The pressure we’ve felt for centuries still exists and impacts us today. We often feel pressured to conform in nearly every way: our behaviors, desires, appearance, career, family decisions, and self-expression.

It’s not easy. The decades of conditioning and traumatic events I’ve experienced impact me daily. But that’s most women. It’s hard to create and enjoy a fulfilling life when you haven’t had space to be with yourself. Instead, the feminine “virtue” of “selflessness” clogs the air.

Patriarchy impacts women's dating experiences.

Since I’ve been dating recently, I’ve realized how important it is for me to be with someone who can empathize deeply. I want someone who honors women and femininity and validates the many injustices in our culture.

Since that awkward first date conversation, I’ve thought about how I might explain the impacts of patriarchy to a male partner:

• Deep insecurities: We live in a male-default world: technology, workplaces, government, education, histories, and religions. This worldview repeatedly invalidates our emotions, values, and desires, which adds up. I have to constantly remind myself that time for pleasure is just as valuable as being productive.
• Less sexual pleasure: The orgasm gap is real and negatively impacts heterosexual women the most, according to 2018 research. Turns out, most men think sex is over once they’ve orgasmed. And given our historical repression, many women assess sexual satisfaction by how their partner feels rather than how they feel.
• Negative body image: Our capitalist culture, media, and advertisements repeatedly imply women are inherently aesthetically defective. I could share many personal stories and research examples, but I’ll save that for a future article. No one “wins” this imposed beauty contest.
• Disconnected from authentic emotions: When you’re conditioned to make people happy and care for others’ feelings, you get used to “faking it.” A smile, listening ear, words of praise, or focused attention are lovely, but not when you feel you owe emotional labor to people, especially men.

The feminine repression bunny trails run deep. I’m learning to pace myself. In a nutshell: it’s horrifying to realize how repeatedly our culture pressures women to conform rather than self-actualize.

Most women will understand.

Wouldn’t dating a woman make more sense? Based on my female relationships and the sex statistics, I assume dating a woman would be more sexually, emotionally, and spiritually fulfilling.

That ongoing validation, empathy, and easy communication must be amazing for our well-being. Whether you’re lesbian, bisexual, or straight, exploring this perspective seems like a great idea. Maybe we’ll feel more able to prioritize our actual relationship needs and desires.

Our spiritual, emotional, and sexual satisfaction is so important — and not just for ourselves. The more I prioritize my needs, pleasure, and authentic experiences, the more I feel excited to get out of bed. We can only love others to the extent that we love ourselves.

Let’s start exploring our anger rather than pushing it aside to make others more comfortable. There’s so much freedom in acknowledging and mourning the mistreatment and the times we’ve denied our genuine emotions.

We can stop settling for partners who don’t appreciate us. We can start expecting to be treated like queens and caring for ourselves more lavishly.

By seriously dating a woman, I imagine I’d relax more. I’d feel more open about my hopes and fears. She would understand.

By untangling patriarchy, we find freedom.

There’s no direct path to healing patriarchal wounds. The process seems more like a scary roller coaster of discovery, gradually becoming a calm rowboat journey of acceptance. Slowly, I’m starting to trust my perceptions and inner wisdom.

If you want ideas for tangible steps, here are a few things I’ve done:

• Take significant time off dating.
• Read feminist literature.
• Spend more time with women.
• Reclaim your body, i.e., body hair, clothes, movement.
• Discover your version of beauty, not everyone else’s.
• Make tuning in or “self-care” a priority.
• Set boundaries to reclaim your time and energy.
• Cherish your creative process.

More than anything, I’m giving myself compassion; we’ve been through some serious bullshit. These cultural patterns run centuries-deep. Look for joy in the process of change and know it’s a beautiful, ongoing journey.

Though I don’t know what will happen next in my romantic life, I know a few things for sure:

• I don’t owe anyone emotional labor.
• Valuing femininity is essential.
• If I have to play a role to be in a relationship, it’s not worth it.
• Consent should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and fully embodied.
• We don’t owe it to anyone to date men.

We don’t have to have a romantic partner at all. I’ve felt so much pressure to date and do “couple things,” like sharing fancy dinners, going home for the holidays, or celebrating Valentine’s Day the traditional way. But fuck that.

We get to prioritize our well-being. We deserve honor, celebration, and the freedom to self-actualize, regardless of our romantic status or orientation.

Moving forward, whether I date a man, woman, or no one, the people in the relationship will always be more important than the relationship.

I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Join the Weekly Love News on my website to receive creative offerings each week (Tuesdays) in your email inbox.