12 Ways I Do Romance Differently as a Sensitive, Newly Empowered Woman

#2. I expect to be treated like a queen.

Though I’ve made it to the top one percent of promiscuous women in America, I am currently single. Over the past year, I took a break from sex and dating as I focused on deep inner work. After unraveling layers of patriarchal conditioning and narcissistic abuse, I’ve started dating again, this time with hard-earned knowledge and wisdom.

Through therapy and psychology books, I discovered an “anxious-insecure” attachment style and codependent traits like people-pleasing, perfectionism, and low self-worth. Before you feel bad for me, remember codependent symptoms are very common, and researchers estimate about 40% of people have anxious-insecure attachment. Great romance is tough.

Most women have additional challenges to overcome when seeking partners. Our patriarchal culture has belittled femininity for centuries (no wonder we feel insecure). Though we thrive as passionate, sexual beings, women experience sexual double standards, abuse, and gaslighting.

To top it off, since our culture often equates “emotions” with weakness, most people lack emotional development, making authentic relationships even tougher.

People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood believe if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first. Their biggest relationship downfall is being overly self-sacrificing— Lindsay C. Gibson, in “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”

With all that I’ve learned, dating as an enlightened woman feels a bit like “mission impossible.” But when true romance happens, I know it will be worth it. Sacrificing authenticity for a partner isn’t enough for me anymore. I’m attracting love on my terms now.

First, more on womens’ challenges

We live in a male-default world, and on average, women have many additional hurdles to overcome just to “be real.” Here are a few:

• Body Image Issues: Most women, about 91%, feel unhappy with their bodies and use dieting to alter their appearance. Only 5% of women naturally match the body types American media portrays.
• Anxious-Avoidant Trap: People like me with an anxious-insecure attachment style feel unhealthy chemistry around avoidant-insecure people. Avoidant people feel “homey” since they reinforce negative self-beliefs, and they tend to take up a lot of space on dating apps.
• Repressive Expectations: Whether it’s “silent and submissive,” “nice and pretty,” or “purity culture,” American culture boxes women in. Many grew up feeling they should be “ladylike,” a pursuit full of impossible expectations, like never pooping, for example.

Mission impossible, right? But the more I unravel layers and read other women’s stories, the more empowered I feel to see through mass gaslighting. Also, sometimes I want more than a vibrator at night.

1. I appreciate my sensitivity.

I won’t apologize to insensitive people for being sensitive. Being sensitive is a gift. My sensitivity helps me notice subtle feelings and make better choices about potential partners.

“When someone tells me to stop being so sensitive, I feel like a nose being lectured by a fart — not the problem” — Hannah Gadsby in “Nanette.”

Now, I pay careful attention to how someone makes me feel about myself. Do I feel seen and appreciated? Or do I feel like I’m in the wrong?

2. I expect to be treated like a queen.

Growing up in a narcissistic family, I learned to do all the work in one-sided relationships. I expected to do most of the adapting: adjusting to their lifestyle, timetable, lack of emotional availability, etc.

When I dated partners who made thoughtful gestures, remembered important details or went out of their way for me, I felt like I’d gotten very lucky. Now I see being treated like a queen as a baseline expectation.

It’s healthy to “roll out the red carpet” for someone you love, and as empathetic humans, we deserve healthy relationships.

3. I value my intuition primarily.

When it comes to identifying narcissism, your intuition is the one thing you can trust above all else. Our bodies sense potential issues more accurately than logical reasoning; it’s easy to rationalize red flags.

Narcissist victims often felt like they met their soulmates. But after the love-bombing and idealization stop, it’s easy to believe we’re the problem; narcissists often seem charming, good on paper.

Now I take things slow and watch out for the “too perfect” person or subtle dismissiveness. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

4. I proactively set personal boundaries.

Instead of stretching myself in unnatural ways, I get clear about what does and doesn’t work for me, whether sleep schedules, texting response rate, or safe sex precautions.

This way, I take care of myself first and get to observe how others respond to my boundaries. Do they really have my best interest at heart and seek to understand? Or are they trying to control me?

5. I honor my anger and sadness.

These uncomfortable emotions are so valuable, yet many people learn that it’s better to pretend everything’s okay. It’s not.

Being in tune with your emotions is essential for a healthy romance. I still struggle with being vulnerable since it didn’t feel safe in my childhood home. But by honoring all of my emotions, I feel more whole.

6. I don’t expect to change people.

Yes, I’ve been in several “fixer-upper” relationships: I’d get him to have more time for me or be more affectionate. Or, this drug thing is just a phase.

Now I let people show me who they are, and I listen. Sometimes you just want different things, have incompatible needs or lead very different lifestyles.

Instead of starting a relationship with a list of things to “fix” or feeling not good enough, I focus on finding a good fit.

7. I actively adjust codependent behaviors.

Having been in many toxic relationships, I developed unhelpful coping mechanisms. As I move towards healthier ones, I take responsibility for adjusting my codependency behaviors and thought patterns.

For example, I learn how to have effective boundaries, build self-esteem, not take things personally, ask for what I need, etc. As I clear out the past, I attract more emotionally developed people.

8. Empathy is non-negotiable.

After dating a narcissist and several emotionally immature people, I’ve realized my overly empathetic nature will never make up for someone’s lack of empathy.

Navigating more difficult situations will feel impossible if someone doesn’t empathize with my emotions and thoughts in the early dating stages.

“Mutual emotional responsiveness is the single most essential ingredient of human relationships” — Gibson.

9. I prioritize my relationship with myself.

My relationship with Alice will always be the most important and long-lasting in my life. Loving myself wholly is the best way to love others.

Focusing on yourself is not selfish; it’s healthy. Whether eating the foods I like, taking a solo day, or pursuing new hobbies, I will always put my needs first.

10. I clarify my needs and desires.

A few years ago, I got into ethical polyamory and learned to get specific about what I want and need. People can’t read my mind, and asking for what I want seriously increases my chances of getting it.

Though I used to feel timid about speaking up, I’ve realized anyone who can’t handle a confident, assertive woman is not worth my time.

11. I own my sexuality.

Growing up in a Christian culture, I learned my value depended on my sexual purity. “Saving myself” for marriage was the essence of a Godly woman.

This early conditioning led me to act more sexually naive than I was. Isn’t that what guys like? Asking for something sexually explicit felt wrong, and I struggled to get the words out of my mouth even in long-term relationships.

Female sexuality is a beautiful, powerful, healing gift to the Earth. You’re welcome, world.

12. I walk away more easily.

When something doesn’t feel right, I don’t force it to happen or spend hours obsessing over what I could have done differently (usually).

Mostly I see how much work I put into previous relationships when I wasn’t getting much out of it. Then, I consider all the other more fulfilling things I could do with my time. Also, my vibrator has never caused me hours of anxiety.

As a sensitive, empowered, beautiful, talented, brilliant, and wise woman, my energy is much more valuable than that.

Finding myself has been the purest and most romantic experience of my life. I will never sacrifice this relationship to seem “complete” or meet the expectations of a dysfunctional culture.

With the amount of time and energy I’ve put into understanding romance, I’ve become an expert — it’s the 10,000-hour rule! As an expert, I advise you to steer clear of the unrealistic takeaways from romantic comedies. Love shouldn’t hurt, and codependency isn’t cute.

As I suss out relationship potentials, I prioritize people who make me feel emotionally safe and loved for being authentic. I want to feel in tune with my body and be encouraged to follow my intuition. If a relationship makes me feel less than, it’s never worth it.

Slowly, I’m learning to appreciate even the anxiety that comes with dating since it makes me more aware of warning signs.

Despite regular external pressure and internal insecurities to play small, I know sensitive, powerful women fuck up the status quo. We need that. Playing roles to feel seen or meeting others’ standards to gain respect isn’t worth it.

I choose to prioritize myself because the people in the relationship are always more important than the relationship.

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