Bag O’Jokes IV
Serving grins all day
An 8 year old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender says: “Why the long face?”
A white horse walked into a pub and ordered a lager.
The landlord put the drink on the bar and said ‘We’ve got a whisky named after you’.
The horse replied ‘what, Eric?’.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish.
While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, “Jesus is watching you.”
To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.
The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?”
The parrot says, “Moses.”
The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?”
The parrot replies, “The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, the barman asks,” Is this a joke?”
A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips.
After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.
“I’ve got a few suggestions,”he says. “Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”
The new priest tries this.
“Very good,” says his senior. “Now try saying things like ‘I see’, ’I understand’ and ‘Yes, go on.’”
The younger priest practices these sayings, too.
“Well done,” says the older priest. “Don’t you think that’s better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No way! What happened next?’”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
Then when you do criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and have their shoes.
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a band of native warriors.
“I’m done for”, the man cries in despair.
”No you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab the spear from the one who is beside you and shove it through the heart of the chief.”
The man does so, and the remainder of the band stares in disbelief.
“Now, what?” the man asks the heavens.
”Now, you ‘re done for.”
What is green and if it were to fall from a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
Sadie’s husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer.
He says, “My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times.”
“When I got fired, you were there to support me.”
“When my business failed, you were there.”
“When I got shot, you were by my side.”
“When we lost the house, you gave me support.”
“When my health started failing, you were still by my side.”
“You know what, Sadie?”
“What dear?” she asked gently.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
George Howard, the man famous for writing the Hokey Pokey died last week.
They had a horrible time at the funeral parlor, first they put his left leg in….
The monks were busy in the monastery copying those beautiful illuminated manuscripts that they used to do.
One young monk suggested that since they were copying copies perhaps it might be timely to examine the original to make sure that their copies were correct.
The Abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the basement of the monastery to find and examine the original.
The young monk was away for some time and finally the abbot went to find him.
When he did, he found him in tears and asked him what was wrong.
Through his tears the monk blurted out “The word was celebrate!”
A truck driver saw a priest hitchhiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. ”Come on Father, I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute, he swerved away, narrowly missing the lawyer.
But even though he was sure he missed the lawyer he still heard a loud “THUMP”. He glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”
A man finds a genie who says that it will grant him three wishes but that every politician in America would get double.
The man says, “Ok, I wish for $1 million”
”Granted”, says the genie, “but remember every politician in America will get double”
The man says, “Ok, now I wish for a Ferrari”
“Granted”, says the genie, “but remember every politician in America will get double. Your final wish?”
The man says, “I wish to have one of my kidneys removed”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.
They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up.
“Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes: “and from that you deduce?”
Watson: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and in even a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
Holmes: “Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent.”
