Bag O’Jokes III

Instant stress relief found here

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie “ with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities…

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

“An ambulance just drove by!”

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike!”

“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

“Jason is on his skate board!”

After a few moments he announced… “The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out…”How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

Bob was in trouble as he had forgotten his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.”

She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.”

She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit.”

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.

She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.” She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”

He walks behind the counter to the register and the woman accidentally farts.

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her… being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”

How can you tell if a somebody has a blonde secretary?

There’s white-out on the computer screen.

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear.

Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”

The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.”

“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”

She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license and said, “It’s been a long day, the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

The man replies, “Boobs!”

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

Two Scotsman were sitting on top of a hill that overlooked their small village. During a break in the conversation, one man lets out a sigh as he’s looking down at his village, and his friend asks him what’s wrong.

“Look at that town down there.” he replied. “You see the bridge crossing the river that leads into our village? I built that bridge with my own two bare hands. But do they call me McGregor, the Bridgebuilder? No.

“And you see the Church in the middle of our village, overlooking the square? Well I built that Church with my own two bare hands. And do they call me…McGregor, the Churchbuilder? No.”

He pauses, and looks over at his friend. “But have sex with ONE sheep…”