Bag O’Jokes II

15 More Jokes to Brighten your Day!

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. “You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re fine,” he says. “Your brother named them.” Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He’s an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, “What’s the girl’s name?” “Denise,” the doctor says. Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. “And the boy?” “DeNephew.”

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

A Beagle went to a telegram office and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

What came before the Big Bang?

The Big Foreplay.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians, on the other hand, used a pencil.

A turtle was walking down a street in New York and suddenly got mugged by few snails. A policeman arrives to investigate the matter and asks the turtle, “Could you please explain to us about the incident.”

The turtle not knowing what to say, replies, “I don’t remember what happened. It was so quick and fast.”

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

A year later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

A guy dies and is sent to hell.

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’

In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries.

The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

A guy was towing his boat home from a fishing trip on Lake Michigan when his car broke down.

He didn’t have his cell phone with him, but he thought he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance.

He climbed into the boat, clicked on the radio and said, “Mayday, mayday.” A Coast Guard officer came on and said, “State your location.” “I-75, two miles south of Standish.” After a long pause, the officer asked, “How fast were you going when you reached shore?”

Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake. After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!” “What?” “It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder. “Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.

I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin.

People often ask me how I can tell them apart — but it’s easy, really.

Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie.

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic. The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow. “Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself. The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.” “Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked. The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff. “What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver. “Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 101…”

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”

Two friends are talking one day and the first says, “You know, I experienced a true Freudian slip the other day.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I meant to say to my wife, ‘You look your best today’, but instead it came out ‘You look your breast today’”

“Yeah, I also had a Freudian slip the other day.”

“You too? Tell me about it.”

“Well, I was having dinner with my wife, and I meant to say, ‘Please pass the salt’, but what came out was, ‘You miserable bitch you ruined my life’”