Bag O’Jokes I

15 Jokes to Brighten your Day!

A traveling salesmen knocks on the door of a prospective client. The door opens and a kid around 12 years old in a white robe with a lit cigar in his right hand and a glass of brandy in his left hand is standing there.

“Hi there kiddo, are your parents home?” says the salesman smiling.

The kid takes a long drag on the cigar and follows it with a slow sip of brandy. He smiles at the traveling salesman and says “What do you think?”

What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

‘Hey y’all… Watch this!’

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”

Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “You know, you are a lousy lover!”

The husband replies, “How would you know after only thirty seconds?

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Sonya.

After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Sonya is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

William was heart-broken. After several months he eventually started dating again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Heather said yes! We’re getting married in July.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Heather is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”

His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”

Did you hear about the woman that went out on a fishing boat with 10 men?

She came home with a big red snapper.

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms, size extra large.

“Yes, we do,” he replies. “Would you like to buy some?”

“No,” she says. “But do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”

A man was in a bar and overheard the mailman boasting that he had made love to all the women in the man’s apartment complex except for one.

When he arrived home he related what he had heard to his wife.

She said “I bet it’s that stuck up bitch in number 15.

A woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, “Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my privates.”

The woman replies, “Yes. Now, we’re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren’t we.”

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: Well…, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break.

Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break .

Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he’d wait and see who would leave work the earliest.

Both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, ‘Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.’ Jill said, ‘Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence.

Brian raises his hand and says, “The sky is fascinating.” The teacher says, “No that’s fascinating.” Jennifer raises her hand and says, “When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated.”

The teacher says, “No that’s fascinated.” So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit’s are so big she could only fasten eight!

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they are efficient and not very funny at all.

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.

“Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first criminal.

“How do you think I feel?” asks his companion. “I have to walk back out alone.”