Bag O’Jokes V
Curated jokes to get you past the serious times
Another search for childhood jokes has turned up some classics and some new ones! Hope they raise your spirits!
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once the parrot understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat”, “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table”, “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a days.
After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the ship?”
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that?!”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean. No more summers in Tuscany. No more Cadillac STS in the garage. No more country club and we’ll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes. But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. “Who’s that with Jim?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
The wife replies, “Ours is prettier.”
A mechanic, an engineer and a computer scientist are traveling together in a car, when the motor suddenly fails.
The mechanic and engineer each try various techniques to restart the car…
“Pump the accelerator a couple of times”, says the mechanic.
“No,” replies the engineer, “turn the ignition key without touching the pedal…”
The car refuses to start.
After the failure of several more attempts, the computer scientist confidently announced his solution. “Let’s all get out of the car, then get back in.”
Top 10 Books never written
- “Samson Brings Down The House” by Rufus Falling
- “Yellow River” by I.P. Freely
- “Waiting in Line for the Bathroom” by Ivana Tinkle
- “Can you hear me?” by Shao Ting
- “Sitting on the Beach” by Sandy Cheeks
- “Stumbling Through Life” by Ima Klutz
- “The Lost Scout” by Werram Eye
- “How to Write a Mystery Novel” by Paige Turner
- “Under the Bleachers” by Seymour Butts
- “Twenty Yards to the Outhouse” by Willie Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont and published by Andy Dint
Moses and Jesus decide to play golf.
Moses hits the ball for a perfect 300 yard drive right down the middle of the fairway.
Jesus swings and chips the ball far left and lands in the branches of a tree. Suddenly, the wind picks up and it begins to rain so hard that a river forms in the middle of the course. The ball floats down the river when a fish jumps up to bite the ball. But, at the same moment, a bald eagle flies down grabs the fish with the ball in its mouth flies over the green and the fish drops the ball right in, for a hole in one.
Moses looks at Jesus and says “Are you here to play golf or screw around?”
A patient walks into the doctors office and says doctor I have pain anywhere I touch my body!
The doctor says “that’s unusual”.
He asks her to touch her arm with her finger and she screams in pain.
He asks her to touch her foot with her finger she yells in agony.
He asks her to touch her leg with her finger and she screams.
The doctor nods and says to the patient “Just as I suspected, your finger is broken!”
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town’s morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
A worried Mrs. Wilkins sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
“How are you, darling?” it said. “What kind of a day are you having?”
“Oh, mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. The baby won’t eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I’m supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight.”
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. “Oh, darling,” she said, “sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I’ll feed the baby and I’ll call a repairman I know who’ll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I’ll do everything. In fact, I’ll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.”
“George?” said the housewife. “Who’s George?”
“Why, George! Your husband…. is this 555–9278?
“No, this is 555–9279.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.”
There was a short pause and the housewife said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”
A scientist who thought he knew everything was going on a business trip.
On the airplane, he sat next to a lady. He asked her, “Do you want to play a game where I ask you a question and if you can’t answer, you give me $5 and then you ask me a question and I give you $5 if I can’t answer?”
“No”
“How about if when I can’t answer, I give you $1000, but if you can’t answer, you only have to give me $5?”
“No”
“How about if I can’t answer, I give you $2000?”
“OK”
“What is the top speed of an Indian fruit bat?”
The lady gave him $5 and asked him, “What has 15 legs going up a hill, 137 legs at the top, and 57 legs coming down?”
The man searched in every resource he had and eventually gave up and gave the lady $2000, then asked, “What is the answer?”
The lady gave him $5.
A man is driving down the road when he gets pulled over by a cop.
The man has a bit of an attitude with the cop, so the cop draws a circle on the street and tells the man to stand in it and under no circumstance can he leave that circle.
While the man stands in the circle, the cop gets out a hammer and smashes the cars headlights.
The cop turns around and sees the man laughing!
So the cop goes and smashes each of the cars windows.
The cop turns around again and sees the man laughing even harder!
The frustrated cop shouts to the man, “What are you finding so funny??”
The man replies, “Every time you’ve turned around, I’ve been jumping in and out of this circle!
Get your laugh on with the first Bag O’Jokes!
