Bad Internet Advice: How to Find Gifts for People Who Bug You

Terrible advice from the internet: WikiHow edition.

Disclaimer: If you think any of these suggestions are good, you have the right to your opinion. If you try any of them, please let me know how they worked for you. I’m genuinely interested.

Of all the bad advice I’ve ever read anywhere on the internet, this might just be the worst.

From How to Find Gifts for People Who Bug You on WikiHow, this is possibly the worst advice I’ve ever read in my life, and I spend a lot of time on social media.

This advice is so bad it comes with a warning which I’ll share at the end.

But for now, let's find out how to buy gifts for people who bug you, according to WikiHow.

Number 1:

“Purchase a large wooden spoon for the troublemaker in your family or workplace. (That person who is always causing trouble, stirring up a mess and sticking their nose where it isn’t wanted.) This gift says, “watch it, we think you’re a pot-stirrer.” For the less obtuse, this present is nicely pointed.”

Yes, nothing settles a troublemaker down like giving them a terrible gift is also a direct insult.

Giving a person a gift like this will make them feel stupid and humiliated, probably sending them into a rage, so expect revenge.

Number 2:

“Wrap up some personal hygiene products for the person who never bathes or who breathes down your neck lasciviously even though this person knows you’re taken. A bottle of deodorant and some shampoo speaks volumes for this person. Make sure to wrap it in clear cellophane.”

Yeah right. You’re going to give that guy with the bad breath mouthwash and a toothbrush for a “joke” gift. You’re also going to wrap it in clear cellophane to be as humiliating as possible. For sure, you’ve taken on the task of telling this guy about his embarrassing problem in the most unfeeling way possible. Nice work.

Or you’re addressing sexual harassment in the most obtuse way possible.

This gift is either cruel or misleading. It’s also forcing you to deal with two issues way above your pay grade.

Number 3:

“Give that lazy son-in-law a cooking set and a food processor. It’s time he understood that cooking is for anyone in the household, not just your daughter.”

Yes, nothing instills family harmony like singling out your son-in-law with a humiliating gift that tells everyone what your daughter’s been complaining about.

If you want them to go home and fight for the rest of the day (or year) about your shitty, mean-spirited gift, then, by all means, do give him a pot set to show him how lazy he is.

If you’re trying to see your grandkids less, this could also accomplish that.

Number 4:

“The one that can never be punctual. Let them know that always being late for nearly everything is annoying, by buying them a watch so next time they’re late you can ask them what’s wrong with the watch I got you?”

This is a moot point because nobody needs a watch anymore, everyone I know uses their phone for the time and appointments, so this is a useless gesture that’s also expensive.

You’ll probably end up getting the watch back if you bring it up too much anyway, so if you’re going to go with this terrible advice, buy a watch that you like.

Number 5:

“Give a sexy lingerie set to the prim and proper daughter-in-law who is driving you crazy with her perfectness. She’ll be embarrassed at what possible thoughts are going through your head about her relations with your son! (But be forewarned that given even as a joke, you may forever be labeled as a Dirty Old Man or Woman by everyone present!)”

You’re damn right you’ll be called a dirty old pervert if you follow this advice. Your family will probably assume you have dementia and start the proceedings to put you in a home.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants to receive lingerie from their in-laws. I threw up in my mouth a little just reading this.

Number 6:

“Give uncaring parents-in-law a large photo of you in a beautiful frame. So they didn’t put your picture out with the rest of the family, or at least not one large enough to match the others? Make up for it with this wonderful “in-your-face” addition to the family photo collection. It’s a difficult gift to wriggle out of displaying. Make sure your smile is large.”

If you give your in-laws a big picture of just you, you’re going to come off as a psycho. Especially if everyone knows they don’t like you. Rest assured, if you do this, everyone else in the family will think you’re weird and start to hate you too.

This article of terrible advice goes on with such hits as :

• Buying a stopwatch and whistle for bossy people.
• Making a full CD of music you know someone doesn’t like and then forcing them to play it for everyone. It suggests making songs with lyrics addressing the issues you have with them.
• Buying a set of knives for someone who backstabbed you.

It also says to keep your sense of humor about you when giving these gifts but be prepared for some of them to backfire — you think???!!!

And then there’s this. I don’t even know what this is:

I think this was originally written in Japanese then translated to Russian then translated to Icelandic and then to English. It’s the only explanation.

“For those folks bad-mouthing you while their glass house reveals that one or both of them are married — to someone else, papier-mâché initials painted red either with a craft brooch pin on the back, or a hanger for a tree. Most won’t get the “Scarlet Letter” reference, but you will!”

So I guess this is for people calling you out on your affair when they are also having affairs? You’re supposed to paper-mache their initials into a broach or something to hang on a tree.

I wouldn’t go to the trouble of making paper-mache for someone I like, let alone someone I hate. Wouldn’t it just be better to make a truce with people who are cheating on their spouses who also know you are cheating as well? I’m just saying.

This is possibly the worst advice I’ve ever read anywhere. It’s so bad it comes with a warning.

So, if you want to piss off someone who already hates you or make an enemy for life, please use these suggestions. Feel free to do them all.

If not, maybe take a pass on these and try something a little more straight forward like: “How To Give A Great Gift To Someone” or “How to Write a Song As a Gift”

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