Halloween Humor
Bacon, Bacon, Bacon, and Other Gourmet Halloween Costumes
You’ll love or loathe these delicious ideas
For the past six years, I dressed up as bacon for Halloween. Not wanting to be boring, I pumpkin spice up the primary costume with a new twist each year. P. L. Goaway would be so proud. Or annoyed.
Year One: Bacon
I purchase a full-length bacon suit from Wallz-R-Us. We embark with a small group of families and nine hundred dozen children in a neighborhood obsessed with Halloween.
I think my costume is fun, but I’m not prepared for the reaction.
Look, Mom, it’s Bacon!!!
Child after child screams my name at seeing a celebrity like Justin Bieber or Federal Reserve Chair Jerome H. Powell. I’m the most popular breakfast item in the neighborhood.
Year Two: Kevin Bacon
Bolstered by the overwhelming support of Bacon 1.0, I decided to get cheeky. I put a “Hello My Name Is” nametag on my baconsuit and labeled it “Kevin.”
Year Three: Thick-Cut Bacon
I stuffed a king-size pillow in the belly region of my costume.
Look at my middle-aged dad-bod; you could argue that I dress as thick-cut bacon every year.
Fun fact: Thick-cut bacon is also called fatback bacon, which certainly improves my self-esteem.
Year Four: Canadian Bacon
Bacon + Canadian flag like a caped superhero from Manitoba.
Year Five: Sir Francis Bacon
In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present. ¹
Who knew the former Prime Minister of England was such a fan of Halloween? I added one of those frilly white lace renaissance collars to the outfit.
My wife initially thought the purchase was fraudulent activity on her LargeBrazilianRiver-InternetShoppingConglomerate.com card.
Year Six: Turkey Bacon
Want a healthier breakfast? Have some eggs with your turkey bacon. My friend Krelchezidek ² joined our candy-gathering holiday meander.
Now what?
So many epic bacons bring me to my present existential crisis. Am I doomed to forever look nostalgically at the Kevin / Canadian bacon years? Have I plumbed the depths of bacon-themed Halloween hilarity?
My miserable pit of creative despondency seemed endless until I read a Kristine Laco story about the cool kids sexin’ up their costumes.
This Year: Sexy Bacon?
Sexy Bacon? Just what the doctor ordered! Curious about exactly how to model my costume, I typed “attractive woman with a body made of bacon” into Canva Pro’s Text to Image (Beta) app. ³
I present to you the seventh degree of sexy, sexy bacon.
Yikes! Burn out my eyes and let Smillew Rahcuef care for my husk of a decrepit soul. In spite of this monstrosity, sexy bacon is still a better idea than the other costumes my wife rejected on my behalf.
The world is not ready for:
- sexy Bill Belichick — oh that sweet, sweet sleeveless hoodie. Raawwwr.
- sexy half-centaur
- sexy worldwide apocalyptic meteor strike
- sexy root canal
- sexy ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsberg
- sexy Bitcoin
- sexy corporate real estate specialist
- sexy Amazon chatbot
- sexy crystal meth
- sexy Ron DeSantis
Looks like I’m all in on sexy bacon this year. Time to sizzle, kids.
Footnotes:
¹ Quote by Sir Francis Bacon. Source: https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/francis-bacon-quotes
² Surprisingly, not her real name.
³ Apparently, “beta version” means “we may forget to attach one of the arms to the woman’s picture.”
The story you just read and didn't like is my submission to the October writing prompt from Doctor Funny.
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