Let’s Suck at Twitter Together

Summary

An author humorously laments their lack of Twitter followers, proposing a mutual support system to improve their Twitter presence without serious effort.

Abstract

The article titled "Let’s Suck at Twitter Together" is a satirical take on the author's struggle with gaining Twitter followers. Despite being on Twitter for a year, the author has only accumulated eight followers, a number that pales in comparison to the verified account with the fewest followers, which has two. The author reflects on their status in the Twitterverse, jokingly comparing themselves to a suspended account that once held the title of having the fewest followers. The piece is filled with self-deprecating humor, as the author ponders whether they now occupy the bottom rung of the Twitter ladder, living in a metaphorical "dank and moldy underground lair." The author contrasts their Twitter ineptitude with their more successful Instagram presence, attributing their Twitter woes to a lack of will. In response, the author proposes a cheeky solution: a pact among Twitter incompetents to follow each other, thereby boosting their follower counts without the need for genuine engagement or content quality. They dismiss the idea of learning from successful Twitter users, asserting that they have no desire to become like Katy Perry, a top Twitter influencer. Instead, they suggest that by reaching 50 followers through this "obnoxious gambit," they would achieve a 625% improvement, which they consider a significant accomplishment. The article concludes with a tongue-in-cheek call to action, inviting readers to leave their Twitter handles in the comments for easy mutual following.

Opinions

The author views their low Twitter follower count as a humorous failure rather than a serious personal or branding issue.
There is a sense of irony and sarcasm in the author's comparison of their Twitter presence to that of Katy Perry and a parody vaping company.
The author seems to reject the idea that social media success equates to personal worth or societal impact.
They express a desire for a shortcut to social media success, suggesting that effort and quality are secondary to follower count.
The author playfully mocks the culture of social media influencers and the pressure to maintain a certain image online.
There is a subtle critique of the superficial nature of social media interactions, as the author proposes a system that bypasses genuine engagement.
The author's tone indicates a level of frustration with the perceived arbitrariness of social media success, particularly on Twitter.

After a year on Twitter, I have eight followers.

Is this some sort of record? According to Luca Hammer,* the verified account with the least number of followers is two.

Verified Twitter account with fewest followers: @ghisperrier . 2 Followers. Verified Twitter account with most followers: @katyperry. 92.2m

Fun Fact: I have much more in common with @ghisperrier than with Katy Perry and 134 fewer followers than a parody vaping company called @DepressionStick.

I wonder, did Luca’s attention bring sudden stardom to @ghisperrier? I checked, and the answer is no; that account is suspended.

Which means

If @ghisperrier retired, does the torch pass to me? Am I now the worst? Do I live in the Twitter equivalent of a dank and moldy underground lair? I’m not talking about the awe-inspiring multi-billion dollar, high-tech complex where supervillains live. I mean a radioactive, sewage-tainted cave that spells like Aunt Stella cooked Brussel sprouts for six hours.

Is Luca sitting in his infinity pool, dishing up cyber burns to my account now that I’m in last place? He could be, and I would never know. Am I to flame out before my tweeting prime and never make an impact? Will parents warn their children of me? Will those same children dress as me for Halloween? A worse costume than “Sexy Bill Belichick”?

Lousy editing by Author. Source files: A Koolshooter on Pexels; and AlexanderJonesi, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Here’s my pitch

If I suck at Twitter and you suck at Twitter, can we help each other?

And by “help,” I mean we cheat. We follow each other. Not for any reason, that benefits society. Is this idea groundbreaking, worn out, or a violation of the unwritten rules of Medium? No idea. Did you know you can clap more than once? Please don’t murder me.

Shouldn’t we learn from someone who knows what they are doing?

Absolutely not. Unequivocally no. Even more unnecessary words to disagree.

If we get real help, we have to put in real effort. I do not want to be Katy Perry, and neither do you. For several reasons, and none of them have to do with Twitter. I do not measure my manhood or place in the world by my social media following.

However, I am tired of being embarrassed by the number eight. I shake my head at people that re-post dad jokes and have half the world’s attention. Are you fed up and fake angry as much as I am? Probably not. If you were, you would tweet about it, and people would listen.

Can’t we bag a few Twitter followers together without much effort?

If I reach 50 Twitter followers through this obnoxious gambit, that’s a 625% improvement. That’s mic drop level growth, Katie Perry. So go ahead and put your Twitter handle in the comments. I made it pretty clear I have no standards; you know I’ll follow you.

Thanks for reading. Be kind. I put as much effort into this story as I do on Twitter.***

Satire

Let’s Suck at Twitter Together

After a year on Twitter, I have eight followers.

Which means

How did I let this happen?

Here’s my pitch

Shouldn’t we learn from someone who knows what they are doing?

Footnotes