IT’S SCARY SEASON, MOTHERFUCKER
10 Scary Halloween Costumes for Women Over 50
Dollar and a bit edition
I know the cool kids, really any kids, are trying to sex it up on Halloween. The strange kid at the end of the block carries a machete each year, but everyone else is a sexy maid, a sexy nurse, a sexy vampire.
Who needs that pressure?!
Certainly not the half-century crowd. What we need is cheap. We are the generation that wore drug store plastic princess costumes with breathing hazard masks over our snowsuit.
Who are we to be precious?
If you’ve got $10, you’ve got plenty this Halloween (or as Jennifer McDougall wrongly calls it Hallowe’en. Weirdo.)
Medusa
Source dollar store snakes. Get there early, because they sell out. Cut them in half and super glue them to your head.
You didn’t do that, did you?
I meant superglue them to nothing because they won’t stick. I tried. Instead, take a mop head, weave the fucking snakes into the cords, and wear that like a wig. Oh, it will look exactly like this, I promise. She didn’t even wipe off last night’s mascara. You could be this scary without the snakes. Think on that!
Clown
Wear your jammies. Big slippers. Dollar Store clown mask. Scary as FUCK! Bonus — everyone will stay away because… clown.
One-Armed Ketchup Man
Raid the Micky D’s ketchup station (sauce if you’re Raine), and hold those tiny packets in one hand. Any fuckers get out of line, squeeze and you have instant gore. It acts as stay-away serum too. No one wants their precious ‘costume’ to get covered in a laundry hazard. Drink up in peace, bitches!
Jelly Beans
But the premise here is scary costumes Kristine, and jelly beans are delightful.
So… I can’t say the standard jelly bean costume then? Or can I? Take your giant clear bag and step through the bottom. Blow up balloons in multiple colors and stuff your bag (mind out of the gutter). Just remember to bring a pin. Nothing is scarier than coming up behind an unsuspecting goblin and !pop! — better hope that’s a disposable diaper under his tunic.
Square to Spare
Got some empty rolls in the recycling? Tape? You’ve got yourself one spine-chilling costume!
There is nothing that terrorizes women more than finishing her business at a party only to discover she’s going to be drip-drying. The sentiment on this cheeky roll might garner a laugh for men, but it will scare the pants off of women — not in a good way.
Mummy
Or did you use that TP for your costume? Resourceful and double petrifying. But don't skip the glue step. Use your body like a paper maché piñata by adding glue and water with a dollar store paintbrush. Don’t expect to dance. The bonus is that if you find yourself near the one-armed ketchup man, you’re absorbent and you get scarier. Second bonus, no squares to spare? Drip-drying is not scary now!
Zombie
Put on makeup on October 30th. Sleep less than 8 hours in your makeup. BAM! You’re a zombie and you’re terrifying.
Priest
Take a dollar store tablecloth and wrap it around you with a string. Hold a bible. If you do not have a bible, one will be appointed to you.
This one is best at parties with little boys. Sure, the look might be offputting for women to wear, but it will be less threatening to get the children into the ̶r̶e̶c̶t̶u̶m̶ rectory that way.
For devout Catholics, having a female priest is downright traumatic. Win/win.
Devil
Got a blue dress? You’re a devil. Fiendish!
Sexy Nurse
Really, nothing is scarier than a 50-year-old woman trying to be sexy on Halloween. Ask my kids. And, no, you will not see that picture.
If you insist on sexy, here’s some sage advice from yours truly.
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