Sweary Humor

Are You Swearing Too Much?! F*ck That! Here’s How to Stop!

Excuse your French today!

Life gets too much sometimes and we need to unwind by letting off a few naughty words.

It can become an addiction like glue sniffing, or shopping for plants when your front room is already a jungle.

I myself have struggled with swearing for most of my life. At first, I put it down to everyone else being a twa…twit. I said twit! But now, I realise I may have a problem.

• I repeatedly call my coworker Susan an “inept dickhead” when she ruins the microwave heating up her hotpot.
• I accidentally pissed on my foot the other night and let out a tirade of abuse on my rogue weiner.
• I bashed my shin against the coffee table last night. I swore so much I’ve had a profanity buzzer installed in my house.

The main point that hit home (or my coffee table) was my mother saying I swear too much in my articles.

You should always listen to your mother! I was gonna torch that local orphanage but Mum told me not to — so I didn’t! I’m a happier person for it.

It’s also come to my attention that over 524789526175749474 people in the world have this sweary problem. How can we combat this?

With a big stick?

No! By removing bad words for not-so-bad ones!

My new swear word converter has helped me cut out foul language by 50% and aggressive behaviour by 25%! I’ve also cut down on carbs. Unrelated but still important.

Let’s have a look at some alternative non-swear words and rinse our filthy mouths out with soap and water!

Figuratively speaking. Soap tastes awful.

F*ck — Fiddlesticks!

Fiddlesticks is a lovely non-swear word that isn’t too far away from the real thing because you can still make that glorious “fffff” sound.

Why not use some visual aids to help with this one? It’ll be easier to say “fiddlesticks” if you are actually fiddling with some sticks at the time. Plus, buying drumsticks without the rest of the drum set is a lot cheaper so this is a cost-effective method too!

People will also cease to wonder why you carry around drumsticks all the time. As soon as you start fiddling with your sticks they will understand why you say fiddlesticks so much.

Everyone’s a winner!

Sh*t — Sheiza

What’s better than swearing? Swearing when people don’t realise you’re swearing.

This is a flawless method of destressing whilst also making sure you don’t get into trouble. People will applaud your language skills not realising you actually have a filthy potty mouth!

You will be known as the cool multilinguist by friends and family when really you’re hiding your awfully rude vocabulary.

I must also stress…99.9% of the time don’t try this on Germans, or people who understand German. Apparently, they actually know what it means.

D*ck Head — Disco Head

Why not add a groovy spin to your newly filtered language?

Insulting people has never been so fun to do and may even be received as a compliment, because c’mon…who doesn't love Disco?

Annoying people will think that you are accusing them of having a deep affection for Sister Sledge, rather than what you actually mean — that they have a willy on their head.

Swearing has never sounded so good!

Final Foul

Is your mouth feeling a little bit cleaner now?

Swearing can now be a fun activity rather than a frowned-upon habit! Like scratching your crotch on a bus full of nuns.

I hope you can all use a higher level of fiery language now and please remember,

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me…unless you beat me up and swear at the same time. Then the emotional pain will hurt along with the physical. I wish people would stop doing this to me. It really f*cking hurts!” — Jason Statham.

Thanks to Jason for that quote. I’ll see you all next time! ❤

Due to new Medium rules please read articles for thirty seconds otherwise Mexican hitmen will snipe at your gran while she’s making tacos.

Shirley Laffa says stop knocking that wood!