For God’s Sake

Giving Up Knockin’ on Wood

A Whole New Meaning

It happened.

An unexpected knock at the door…

My brother Randy and I were in our early teens. We were goofing around at home one Saturday when my parents were out on a boring grocery shopping expedition.

We were naive. We opened the door as if we were going to win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes we’d watched on TV the night before. But unlike yesterday’s unassuming housewife, sporting a threadbare sky blue robe with pink foam curlers and bunny slippers, today’s winners would be us — two very deserving teens.

We were ready for our fifteen minutes of fame AND fortune!

Upon dramatically flinging open the door in wild anticipation, the two young men in black suits oozing creepy demeanour didn’t tip us off. They smiled and seemed so nice. We thought they were lost. Looking back, we should have told THEM to get lost. They didn’t come with a giant cheque, but they were very personable. And weren’t at all like those bullies at school who only looked us in the eye when they were hurling insults. Or worse. So we gave them more credit than a subprime lender.

“Are your parents home?” they kindly asked.

“No, they’re at the supermarket, getting a bunch of stuff because our mom found a bug in the bread and threw everything in our cupboard away - which made dad go ballistic!” I enthusiastically revealed.

They looked a little astonished, yet so grateful at the same time. “We have a very special gift for you.” They carefully handed us EACH a brand new book.

“Wow! Thank you!” we sincerely exclaimed.

“You can read this book anytime you wish — it’s all yours! You don’t even need to tell your parents!” They had so much FAITH in us, it seemed.

“We hope you enjoy your presents.” The kind gentlemen left without even wanting anything in return. How lovely.

Randy and I decided to hide our secret gifts as instructed. It was none of mom and dad’s business, we reasoned. Feeling extra empowered.

A few days later, I asked Randy if he started reading the book.

“Yes.” his eyes shot down, as his face turned as red as the sunburn we got that time we used baby oil to accelerate tanning.

“It said you’ll go blind if you — you know!” I blurted out.

“I know.” Randy muttered, looking quite worried.

“I don’t even need glasses YET!!!” I didn’t realize what a glaring confession spilled from my guilty lips.

“But now that you know, you shouldn’t risk it.” Randy said as if he was preaching to the choir as well.

We made a pact to maintain our 20/20 vision. At all costs.

Several months later, a show about door to door evangelism came on the family television. Yep, there was only one TV per household that everyone had to share back in the day. We were shocked when my mother abruptly got up to manually change the channel — as was done pre-remote days. She rolled her eyes, sighed, and shook her head, (and if I remember correctly, her fists too).

“Mom!” I exclaimed. “Why did you do that?”

“Why would I watch something about THOSE delinquents?” she retorted.

“Delinquents?” Randy asked.

Long story short, we received quite an eye-opening lecture from our mother. It made our mouths and minds open wider too.

“But a couple of them gave us gifts!” I protested.

“WHAT GIFTS?!?!” Mom’s eyes bugged out.

“Books!” Randy chimed in.

“WHAT BOOKS?!?!” Mom’s eyes now bugged out as if they had cartoonish springs attached. “Show me!” she demanded.

Randy and I sheepishly went to our rooms where we hid our personal treasures, and brought them back to our bewildered mother.

I realized then by the way, that Randy had earmarked the page about going blind, while I chose to use a pink highlighter. A much classier move on my part.

My mother was genuinely upset. And gave quite the sermon herself, as she tossed the not so good books into our fireplace.

But she wasn’t as upset as we were. Lost time and all.

Without saying another word, Randy and I simultaneously sped to each of our bedrooms, slamming the doors. I can’t speak for what my brother got up to — ew — but I was more than ready to once again embrace self-love!

Thank you for reading my story!

Thank you to brilliant https://medium.com/doctor-funny editor, Jennifer McDougall

Want more fun? Check out these amusing stories from Medium writers extraordinaire, Kristine Laco, Jennifer McDougall, Adam Robinson and Patrick Eades

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