Psychology
Are You Stuffing or Regulating Your Emotions?
Fight or flight? There’s a better way that can help you and your relationships.
I was raised in a home where any expression of emotion was judged as a sign of weakness. I coped by intellectualizing my feelings. It kept me from being vulnerable.
This changed when my daughters were teens, and I was confronted with highly emotional teen girls. A skilled therapist helped me navigate my feelings and theirs. Something I will be forever grateful for because I now have two girls who are comfortable expressing their emotions.
Many of us don’t know how to express our feelings healthily. And some of us bite our tongues for fear of the consequences that may result from expressing our emotions.
But the problem is that emotions don’t disappear just because we keep them stifled. They have a way of rearing their heads when we’re triggered. If it doesn’t cause you to blow up, it may end up eating you inside, stimulating your cortisol and leaving you feeling anxious or depressed.
Stuffing vs. expressing.
However, the opposite of stuffing your feelings is not necessarily expressing them. More often, it’s about regulating them.
When negative feelings surface, we often go into flight or fight mode. And this motivates us to want to heal, correct or improve the situation so we can dissipate the negative feeling.
But emotions are energy in motion, and if we can learn to regulate them, they have a lot to teach us.
How the body responds to negative emotions.
When strong feelings surface, our central nervous system releases neuropeptides to our muscles and organs to prepare us for action. This action fits into three broad categories:
- Approach — to experience more positive feelings.
- Avoid — the person or incident.
- Attack /Fight — devaluing, intimidating, or becoming hostile towards a perceived threat.
While you’re entitled to negative emotions, devaluing or attacking someone is not okay. So, what do you do when you feel rage or resentment?
How do we express our negative feelings without devaluing someone else when we feel attacked?
Regulating our emotions.
Nothing said in fits of anger can be unsaid. Finding ways to regulate your intense and escalating emotions without suppressing them is a healthier way of navigating your feelings.
Regulating your emotions is calming yourself when you’re upset and cheering yourself when you feel sad. It’s about changing the implicit judgment that triggered the emotion and your initial motivation to devalue the other person.
Our conditioned responses are rooted in Implicit judgements.
Our Implicit judgments are always based on past experience. But these are also influenced by our current self-value state and physical and mental conditions.
When we feel good, our implicit judgments are mostly harmless. Our implicit judgments may get negative when we are less than our optimum selves.
Let’s say your partner says or does something you perceive as hurtful. So your implicit judgment is that she’s inconsiderate, rude, and controlling, but you could be resentful about something else.
How to regulate your emotions.
Instead of lashing out in anger and resentment that makes you want to devalue her, try regulating your emotions. Tell yourself that she could be stressed or is reacting to something you could have said or done.
If you suppress your anger, it will not go away. You may feel anxious. If you express your anger, you may get a negative response back. By regulating your emotions, you remove the risk of hurting your partner. And you’ll be giving her a chance to respond more positively.
Bringing it all together.
Suppressing negative feelings will erode your self-worth and hurt your relationships. Expressing negative feelings without first regulating them may cause things to escalate.
But by regulating your emotions, you’re acting in your best interests, validating yourself and strengthening your relationships.
Emotions are energy in motion — it’s the way our minds communicate with our bodies — to warn us when we are threatened or experiencing joy. It’s not a sign of weakness to tap into our emotions and regulate them but a sign of an emotionally healthy person.
