Are You Still Thinking or are You Already Asking?
We constantly make assumptions and sometimes they hurt. Read here what causes them and how active questioning can lead you to relaxation.
Maybe you know this: A person who is important to you and to whom you are close does something that you are very disappointed about. Maybe they don’t get in touch anymore, although they should know exactly how frustrated and annoyed you are. Or maybe they only talk about themselves lately but don’t even ask how you are doing. Even though you have already told her how much this is bothering you.
It is easy to look for the cause of your bad mood in the person opposite of you. In the situations just described, you make assumptions about how a person thinks and acts. Do these assumptions really reflect reality? In this article, you will learn how to get away from the thought spiral of empty assumptions.
We act more on assumptions than on facts.
The cause of frustration in the examples above is that you make assumptions. You are convinced that you know who this person is, how they react and feel. But is that really the case? Even if you spend every day together and talk openly about everything — that still doesn’t mean that you know exactly what is going on inside this person.
There are always new, maybe surprising things to discover in a person. Because just as you develop, are influenced, and discover new facets of yourself, your counterpart is also changing. You may be an expert on how she has behaved and what she has said to you so far. But do you know exactly who the person is? And above all: Do you know how the person thinks at the moment, how they feel, and they will act in the future?
In a program on the U.S. radio station NPR, the story of a native Taiwanese who did a lot for his mother to make her happy is told. Among other things, he moved to the USA because he thought his mother wanted him to. But in all these years, there was one thing he did not do: ask her if she would like that. After the death of his mother, he learned from her partner that the time when her son moved away, and before she met her new partner was the worst years of her life.
This is an extreme example of how we act on our assumptions. How we think we know what others think and hurt ourselves or others in the process. Regardless of whether we act with good or bad intentions.
We think too often that we are right with our assumptions
As Dunning and Kruger found out in their research “Unskilled and Unaware of it”: People tend to overestimate themselves and their abilities. Especially in areas where they have particularly little expertise. Thus, people also tend to overestimate themselves in their assumptions and trust them. In this case, we like to hide our inability and conceal it with an increased, almost naive self-confidence. This leads us to overestimate the significance of our assumptions.
The scientist Nicholas Pley has done much research on the phenomenon of our own perception. What he found out in his research: We assume that we know what other people think. The less we know about a person, the more likely we are to believe that we are able to assess the person. He also looked at the connection between “How wrong is my assumption?” and “How well do I know the person?”. We overestimate our assumptions especially when we think we know a person particularly little.
Interestingly, according to the study, our assumptions are just as far off when we believe we know a person very well. If we think we know a person rather mediocrely, we are relatively best at estimating a person. For example, we directly form an assumption as soon as we see a person for the first time. Is she wearing a suit? Probably a person who makes a lot of money. It doesn’t matter if it’s really an unpaid intern in a consulting agency.
At the same time, with our long-term partner, we tend to rely on our assumptions because we believe we know the person inside out. The potential for misunderstandings is higher here, compared to people who are not so close to us. Because we have more and deeper expectations of people we already know well. “The person knows what is important to me.” The disappointment and pain are all the greater when the person who is so important to us does not act according to our assumptions.
What you can do to free yourself from false assumptions
How to avoid false assumptions? Ask. It sounds effortless, and once you do it, it’s easy: ask the person what they think. If you are in a conversation with a person, you will probably find it easy to ask to check your assumptions. But if you are in conflict with a person or you have the impression that you are annoying them, it is not so easy to ask.
Do not feel bad if you do not have the energy to ask questions in such situations. It takes a lot of energy and self-revelation to ask a question in these moments. And that is perfectly okay.
When you become aware of this resistance, you can decide for yourself: Do I have just enough strength to ask directly? Or do I first have to gather enough strength for myself to then approach the person? You can get this strength if you gain some distance from the subject. You can get this distance for example with reflection. Maybe you will realize that the conversation doesn’t have to be as bad as you first thought? That maybe you don’t need so much strength for it?
In a heated discussion, for example, you can help yourself to achieve this realization by answering the following question: “I heard you say X and I interpret that as Y. Is that true?” This can cool down the heated discussion a bit and your counterpart gets the feeling that you are listening attentively. Often it happens that you don’t listen to what the other person is saying and thus talk past each other. With this method, you can approach your conversation partner and discuss your assumptions together.
Equipped with these insights, the upcoming conversation loses its weight for me. This also helps me to seek the conversation. Metaphorically speaking, the clouds move away like after a thunderstorm and the sun comes out. Everything becomes clear and I can concentrate on the beautiful things again. For example, how liberating it will feel to have the conversation behind me. And how relaxing it will be to no longer live with assumptions but to know what the person actually thinks about it.
Maybe these methods will help you to get away from your assumptions and get closer to your fellow human beings. Become aware of your own assumptions and turning them into facts by asking questions.
Read on: