Are you Sabotaging Your Own Happiness?
Expectations may be the root of your own heartache
We often self-sabotage our happiness. Weird, huh? Yes, indeed, we sabotage happy relationships and even our futures. We do this based on subconscious thoughts that were planted in our minds as young children. Everything that we react and respond to is based on our personal experiences. I have seen it in my personal relationships where my guy either cheated or ran out because of fear based expectations I did not and could not meet. It was not until my therapist pointed out what happened that I finally was freed from sadness, guilt, and shame. Self-sabotaging provides an emotional mask that protects us from the one’s we love the most seeing our worst qualities, or so we think. It is a protection mechanism, but in most cases it backfires, and our loved one’s end up walking on eggshells not understanding why we are pushing them away.
Expectations are the root of heartache and yet most, if not all, of us have expectations. We have self-imposed expectations, expectations for others, and others have expectations for us. We have high expectations in relationships; both that they will last long term and for details like what we desire. We have high expectations for our personal success, parenting, and even reputation. To set ourselves up for success, we need to understand the difference between expectations and realistic goals and values. It is a great trait to be self-disciplined, but everything is filtered through our personal experiences in life. It is critical to be aware, accept each situation as it is, and know some things are ultimately out of our control.
What Causes Self-sabotage:
- Patterns in childhood
- Past relationship dynamics
- Fear of failure
- Need for Control
- Choosing consistency over happiness
- Fear of rejection
Expectations Vs. Goals
Setting goals is very healthy and gives us a likelihood of creating an action plan to succeed. When we set goals, we can set small goals, medium goals and large goals so that we can challenge ourselves and discover where we need to make more improvements along the way, ultimately setting ourselves up for success. When we focus on expectations, we are now striving for something that is out of our control.
CHANGE YOUR MINDSET~ CHANGE YOUR OUTCOME
Change is never easy, but it is worth it. Without change, we become stagnant. Once we learn to become mindful and respond rather than react, we can approach all situations with positivity. With self-sabotaging a relationship, when we fear being rejected or abandoned, we are living in a fear-based vibration. We end up attracting those exact fear based energetic vibrations rather than what we truly want to manifest, which is acceptance, control, love, and happiness.
The Law of Attraction itself would agree that when we can surrender our expectations and responding positively, great things will come. When you find yourself attached to an outcome, pause, breathe, and observe how you feel. If you feel stress, tension, frustration, or resentment, adjust your mindset. Chances are if you are angry or disappointed, you had the wrong motive. It is no joke learning to let go. Anyone who says they live completely free from expectation is kidding themselves, but we can all try harder which will lead to increased happiness and decreased stress.
Changing our mindset requires us to remain present. You hear many wise people and sages preaching about the power of now and that is because setting expectations is future based and blinds us of possibilities unfolding in the present moment.
Three examples Where Expectations Lead to Disappointment:
- Good communication skills are important in any relationship. For example, if you want your husband to buy you flowers and he doesn’t this creates disappointment. The poor guy likely has no clue how badly you wanted the flowers. But your resentment will grow. Learn to use The Five Love Languages (I included a well-written article written by Robert Solley) to communicate better. There may be things he wants too, and he may feel the same disappointment. Meanwhile, learn to buy yourself flowers. I mentioned earlier those expectations can seem impossible in relationships, so try to communicate respectfully and openly with your partner.
- If you agree to meet friends at a public event, but have social anxiety, make your meeting plans and expectations very clear. If you struggle with social anxiety, showing up alone at crowded venues may be difficult for you. You do not want to disappoint your friend’s expectations by backing out and not showing up. Have options like Uber in place and good communication about where you will meet at what time, and you can go in together.
- If you are working hard and expect a raise, consider all the possibilities that may factor into when that may or may not happen. Consider the fact that a raise may not be financially possible even though the company appreciates your hard work. Evaluate if you are doing what you love.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging
You deserve to live the life you love. Build your self-esteem by practicing positive daily affirmations such as:
“I am good enough.”
“I am wanted.”
“I am valued.”
Really mean what you say or it will not work. Surround yourself with people who value you, lift your spirit, and inspire you. Listen to the inner critic-that voice within and quiet it when it is not speaking kindly to you. Practice self-love and acceptance. Forgive your past and know that you are worthy of all that you desire. You do not need to expect anything. There is no way to know how anything will turn out. You simply need to believe in yourself and trust the journey.
Yoga helped me let go of expectations by learning awareness. It began as a practice on that mat that eventually carried off the mat and into my daily life. It turned into a self-study where I learned fearing and what was holding me back from my greatest desires. Once I aligned my passions and my purpose, people became magnetized to me. They wanted to be around me because my energy was so attractive. I stopped trying to please others and started living more authentically. People literally started telling me they loved me and opportunities began opening up. Once we live in alignment with our authentic self and let go of resistance and expectation, we manifest abundance. People can feel when we are trying to be someone we are not.
Yoga is not just a physical practice on the mat, for me it is a disciplined way of living as prescribed by the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali thousands of years ago. It takes daily practice both on and off the mat, but the goal is to reach enlightenment, or ultimate bliss. Sounds good, right? Of course, but like all things great it does not come easy. Aparigraha is the 5th Yama in the 8 limbs of yoga. It means non-possessiveness, non-attachment, both physically and mentally. We live in a society plagued with the desire for more. But it goes back to the principle that our experiences are each personal. Someone who lives in poverty and has no roof over their head would be ecstatic with running water, let alone a hot bath. Someone who is affluent may turn their nose up at a Courtyard instead of a Ritz. Everything is relative and yet we all self-impose expectations. When we see what and who we need verse what we do not, we are then aware and able to move forward, free from outcome. When we can observe each situation free from judgment, it opens to the door to unlimited possibilities.
We can never truly possess anything that is not meant to be ours. Jealousy is a dangerous game where we never win. Envy is similar.
So let go of outcomes and possessions.
Live from a heart centered place rather than an ego driven one.
Take only what you truly need.
Give love when you can and take some when your cup is low.
When we have faith that the universe provides what we need, when we need it the stress dissipates, and life becomes abundant. Soon enough we will once again head into the autumn season, and as we do, let the leaves and all their glorious color remind you that just as they shed their leaves we too need to let go of what no longer serves our highest purpose.
Peace and Joy,
Libby
