FOCUSING ON SELF
Architecture Of Consciousness
A thought thread of discovering the me I’ve hidden for too long
In less than a week, several things happened and made me more aware of myself, my needs, my wants. I feel like I have entered a new level of consciousness, and it started in the latest session with my coach, Nelle.
After talking to my twin at the last session, in the next, she went back to three things she had written on the flip chart the previous time: needs, wants, and boundaries.
A slight detour
Nelle first had two questions for me, before getting into a session we will only be able to complete later this week.
The first question was about the pain in my body. She wanted to know how I look at my body at this moment. I thought about this for a few moments and answered that I’m actually neutral about it; that normally when I have the flu, I feel angry because my body has ‘failed’ me, but not now. I accept the pain as part of the stress, and trust it will disappear when we get into calmer waters. Nelle said she was happy to hear this and added: “Otherwise it would be like you’re kicking that child while she’s down.”
‘That child’, being the ‘younger me’ which we talked about in our first sessions. Her remark — about the child — came to mind again a couple of days later in a moment of clarity.
The second question was about my husband, and his mantra: Just don’t do stress. She mentioned the fight and flight response to stressful situations, but also the third: freeze. I agreed with her that my husband seems to be in the ‘freeze-modus’ as he barely talks about his health situation. Also, when I want to talk about how our life changed because of it, I see the panic in his eyes. It’s a conversation he just can’t handle. Not now.
Boundaries, asking and me-time
Nelle started talking about boundaries, and asking for what I need. She had me in tears again. Asking things for me — big or small — doesn’t come easy. I always come up with reasons I don’t deserve it, or already have answers ready in my head for the other person, which mostly is my husband, and why they will deny it.
Taking care of myself, really taking time out and doing something only for myself, is something else that needs attention. Sadly, our session time was up, and after agreeing that I will try to take at least half an hour of me-time for myself, Nelle said we would continue on the subject of my needs and wants in our next session.
A talk with a friend
The sessions and things that were said were still in my head when I sat drinking coffee, and mentioned it to a friend. I said I needed to learn how to do things for myself, when she remarked how she had noticed my decisions always depend on what my husband wants. Since I trust her fully, I said much of this is because of the agreed dynamic between me and my husband.
Her husband had a stroke a couple of years ago, and she had seen the same decline in their intimate life as I admitted we’ve had in the past six months. Both of us love our husbands and want to be with them, but both of us feel neglected. The one difference is that she asks for what she wants; I don’t.
Just like Nelle did, my friend also said: “You’re allowed to have needs and wants, and allowed to voice them.”
Asking for me
That evening, I asked. No, not for anything intimate, but for a simple touch. I like to touch. I touch his leg when we sit in the car. When we lie in bed, I touch his arm. I put my hand on his back when we walk together. When we’re together in the kitchen, I touch his bottom. I like to touch, but I also want to be touched. All of those moments of touch have two messages: I’m thinking of you, and I need you.
My husband always jokes when I touch him, pretending I hurt him. I always laugh, pretending it’s funny, while inside I scream: “please just touch me, show me you see me.”
That evening, when he joked again, I said I didn’t want him to do it every time I touch him. That my touching him is me showing him I need him. He tried to make it off with another joke — the panic was in his eyes — but I told him I was serious.
This was the first step in a couple of tiny things I have asked/mentioned in a handful of days, and some things have already changed.
An epiphany about my inner child
That first night after asking, when lying in bed, I was content. Normally I would chastise myself for being ‘such a cow’, but this time I didn’t. And neither did I the next day, or after the next time I asked.
Something was different. I felt… adult.
Then I read an enlightening article by Barbara Cook — What Kind of Parent Are You to Yourself? — and I remembered what Nelle has said about ‘kicking that child while she’s down’.
I had a moment of clarity seeing both the parent and the inner child in me. I understood how strict I was and still am for that child. How much I have denied her for so many years. She’s worth so much more, and needs a kinder parent.
One of the subjects I want to discuss with Nelle is ‘re-parenting’, because it’s something that needs attention. My inner child has suffered for long enough.
I wrote this article in response to the prompt ‘The architecture of consciousness’ in Creative Corner Edition Nº11 by Diana C.
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