FOCUSING ON SELF
Talk To Your Twin
I laughed at my friend’s advice, but it was what I needed
It’s been a while since I had last been to the coach — Nelle — because of my husband’s operation, her holiday and then me being on opiates and not allowed to drive.
I was more than ready to see her again, to continue our talks. I also had a lot of questions… doubts. After our last session, where we spoke about guilt, questions continuously crossed my mind: How am I going to apply what she ‘teaches’ me in my daily life? How is it going to help me?
The first five minutes
Sitting down across from her, Nelle asked me how I was. By then it was almost eight weeks since I had last seen her. I told her about my husband’s operation, where we currently are in his treatment, about my back, the pain, my worries.
I also told her about a conversation I had with my best friend, after the first treatment at a new physiotherapist. At the end of the appointment, he said I need to take care of myself — which of course I know — and those were the last words in the message to my friend, followed by: ‘I don’t know how.’
I laughed and told the coach: “Do you know what she said next? She told me I should pretend it’s my twin I need to take care of, but then the twin is me.”
I was surprised when she didn’t laugh about this, but said my friend was onto something. She must’ve seen my skepticism, as she didn’t elaborate.
Not at that moment.
Describe yourself
She stood up, wrote ‘M’ on the flip chart, and asked me to look at it. she explained.
The ‘M’, that’s me, and the two lines on the outer side of the ‘M’, those are my legs. They are firmly on the ground, and I need to keep them there, to keep the middle part of the M in balance. This is something that’s becoming more difficult because of all currently resting on my shoulders.
Nelle asked me to come up with words that describe the ‘M’.
As I called out the words — slowly, because I can never think of anything to describe myself — she wrote them around the ‘M’:
- strong
- capable
- reliable
- caring
- honest
- emotional
After those words, I fell silent. I couldn’t think of anything else.
Then Nelle started writing: soft — sad — vulnerable — sensitive — needs — wants — loneliness —attention — pain — fear — boundaries — grief. That, she said, were things she saw, and she was sure my friend saw them too.
She elaborated on some of those as she wrote them on the flip chart, like needs. Nelle mentioned that sometimes we just need a hug. To be held. That hug, how simple a gesture, gives us strength; help us to keep our legs firmly on the ground, in balance.
This made me cry, because yes, I do need hugs. And not just hugs from anyone, but from my husband. He’s not one to touch and hug all the time, and I told her I don’t want to burden him by asking for hugs, because I see and know he’s fighting his own battle now.
Pain wasn’t only about the physical pain, but also the emotional pain. Then there’s the fear of losing my husband, or how difficult it is for me to set boundaries where my son is concerned. Grief was mentioned too, as even after four years, I am still grieving for my mom.
Talk to your twin
I was in tears, and while I desperately wanted to just let go and sob, I pushed them away, like I always do. Still, tears escaped and ran over my cheeks.
“Let them go,” Nelle said, “here you can cry.” I wanted to, but I couldn’t, too afraid of the pain it will unleash. This was when she pulled out a chair and put it across from me.
“She’s here,” the coach said, “your twin.”
I looked at the empty chair.
“See her. Look at those qualities, and see her.”
I tried to take a step back and look at myself. Picture myself in that chair, and see the pain, the fear, the grief, the loneliness. I looked at the flip chart; looked back at the chair.
It was quiet for minutes.
In a very soft voice, the coach asked: “What do you want to say to her.”
This was when a bit of my resolve broke. I still held back, but tears streamed down my face. It took me a while before I finally talked to my invisible twin: “You are allowed to cry, allowed to take care of yourself, allowed to ask for a hug. I see you. I see your pain.”
Giving me the means
The coach is not going to ‘cure’ me. Nelle had already told me several times I will slip back to my old ways, but that her task is to give me the means to help myself.
She’s teaching me about myself, allowing me to see into myself. She’s helping me to see myself for who I am, to understand me. To allow myself to be who I am.
I’ve read somewhere that it takes a lifetime to discover life. I’m 54 years old, and hope what I learn during these sessions will help me to be kinder to myself than I have been all my life, to learn how to sometimes put myself in the first place, and not always others.
The things I learn about myself now, will help me in the long run, even if I slip back to my old ways. It gives me the means to be stronger, to get back to my core, to take care of myself. It’s a journey into self-discovery, to discover, not change who I am.
As we rounded off the session, she said: “Remember to thank your friend for her advice.”
I did.
If you’re thinking of joining Medium, click on my referral link to support me and other writers.
Find more of Marie on her lists, and here…
