MENTAL & PHYSICAL HEALTH

The Subconscious: Mental And Physical Pain

The subconscious mind can be stronger than the conscious

I never thought I would write something discussing both mental and physical pain.

My mental and physical pain.

These past months haven’t been easy.

Those words are said in the way I normally do when I don’t want to draw any attention to myself. I don’t like people feeling sorry for me. To sympathize with me. It just makes me feel worse than I already do. It makes me feel like I burden them.

It’s the same when people know I’m going through difficult times and they ask me how I am. I prefer them not to — I know it’s a kind thing to do — because it makes me cry. Both the kindness and having to admit my pain.

So, when I say These past months haven’t been easy, I guess you can call it an understatement.

It started with mental pain

In the second half of 2020, our life took a turn for the better, after 4 years of health problems for my husband. Nothing extremely serious, except that he was in constant pain, which took so long to finally be over and dealt with. Life smiled at us again.

Then one Wednesday night in mid November, I found my son in a near catatonic state. Only then I learned he wasn’t doing as well as I thought he was; as well as he pretended to be. So many nights I slept on his couch, on suicide watch. He pushed me away; didn’t want me to be involved… only contacted me when someone was needed for overnight care. From November to May this year, he attempted suicide at least 20 times.

My sleepless nights started. My stress levels rose. Tears were always closer than smiles.

During this, in March 2021, my husband had a stroke. I immediately recognized it, called the ambulance, and he was in hospital within the golden hour. I was with him in hospital 50 minutes after he had the stroke, and by then he could move his arm and leg again, but his speech was still affected.

They did a CT scan of his head and found enlarged lymph nodes in his neck, on both sides. They redid the CT the next day, of his head and torso, and saw the same. They referred him to our doctor.

Long story short: he was diagnosed with metastasized thyroid cancer.

He was referred to the university hospital in the city. Depending on traffic, it can take us up to 45 minutes to get there, and then you have to walk quite a distance in the hospital to get to the appointments. So. Many. Appointments. Because of the stroke, he’s not allowed to drive… and in between all of this, I still had to work my 34 hours a week.

Stress became a constant companion, even though I tried to push it away. It’s not only because I had to juggle everything but also because I am deeply worried about my husband; about losing him. I have cut back on my working hours, and still everything is just… stressful.

Then came the physical pain

I’ve had a couple of run-ins with stress before, and somehow it always seems to settle in my lower back. When this happens, I take action. During two of those periods, I visited a sport masseuse, and she helped to relieve the pain from my back. In a different period, I went to a physiotherapist, and they helped me. Another time, a chiropractor was the one relieving me of the pain.

I have been seeing the chiropractor regularly this year, because once more, the stress had settled in my back. In June and July I increased my visits to him, but to no avail. My back just got worse, despite intense massages, dry needling and all the other things he did.

Three weeks ago, I started seeing a physiotherapist again, as not only my back, but my hip, groin and upper leg hurts too. A burning pain that every day seemed to increase a bit more, to the point that it frequently left me in tears. On 24 August I cried so much after a sleepless night that I called the doctor and he prescribed an opiate to get me through the nights, at least until the treatment at the physio takes effect. Three days later, I was at the doctor again, because the meds didn’t help. He prescribed more pain meds and sent me to a different physiotherapist.

Connection between mental and physical

As said above, whenever I am mentally low, my back seems to suffer too. It starts with a simple sensitive spot, which gets more painful as my stress increases.

Mostly, with a bit of help, it passes. This time it’s so bad that I am suffering from nerve pain too. I can stand for about five minutes, or walk about 50 meters, then the pain is so intense that I can barely breathe.

This episode is just showing me all over how much the body and mind are connected, and that they need to be in sync with each other.

Past stressful periods haven’t been as bad as this one. Looking back on those, and comparing them with what we are currently going through, it’s like the level of pain in my back is equal to my stress levels.

I’ve never had to deal with so many things at once — my son, my husband’s stroke, and then the cancer diagnosis. It almost broke me when I lost my mom, and it will break me if I lose one of my children. But, it will destroy me if I lose my husband. He’s not only my husband. He’s my friend, my lover, my soulmate, my everything.

In my entire life, my stress levels have not been as high as they are now, and this is the worst pain I ever had.

Awakening the hazy subconscious

Despite my circumstances, I’m amazed by how our bodies work. When your mind isn’t healthy, it influences your body, and vice versa. Our bodies are one whole and should be treated as such.

My husband is not subject to stress. He’s one of those people who manages to take things day by day. He doesn’t worry about what will come, even though he does think about the future. He frequently tells me: no need to feel stress or no need to worry.

When he says that, I always say: I’m not doing it consciously.

Because, I’m not. It just happens. Yes, I went through a period of so much thinking, directly after his stroke, and because I’m afraid to lose him. And then again, when we found out about the cancer. I also had nights I didn’t sleep because of my son. Nowadays, I can handle those thoughts, but my subconscious seems to keep on worrying.

The stress has taken hold of my body and mind and has me in its painful grip. These circumstances yet again show me how intensely influential the subconscious is. You know what they say… if you constantly tell someone they are looking ill… despite not being ill at all, they will eventually feel sick.

That’s the power of the subconscious.

I am really trying to be kind to myself, both consciously and subconsciously. I just have to be patient until my mind gets the message to my body, and this intense pain will stop.

And until then? Well, I guess the opiates, the physiotherapist and an occasional massage will have to do the trick.

This post has been written for the Creative Corner prompt ‘Awakening the hazy subconscious’ by Diana C.

Another post I want to point you to — which aptly popped onto my screen after writing the above — is by Carlos Garbiras, and he ends it with such true words by Erma Bombeck; words my husband would love!

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