An Open Letter To My Friend Who Doesn’t Use His Real Name.

Be The Robert I Know You To Be.

Hey, Robert. This is an intervention and frankly, it’s a long time coming. Ever since you started calling yourself Rob you’ve needed this talk.

You’ve had a funny history with names, haven’t you? No wonder you’re so turned around. It’s time for an intervention.

As a child, your parents nicknamed you Robbie. Later, people called you Bobby. From there, you can get Rob, Bob, and all other kinds of names that aren’t truly yours. I’m reasonably sure you’ve used these variations over the years.

No wonder you’re confused. Robert is one of those infuriating names with multiple variations. It’s kind of like Richard except without all the Dick jokes.

But It’s Your Real Name

How do I know Robert to be your one, true name? It’s on great authority. You told me so.

Let me refresh your memory. Remember this conversation?

Hi, I’m Scott. — Scott.

I’m Robert. — Robert.

See? If you don’t believe me, believe yourself.

After that, we became fast friends. Not once did you start calling yourself Steve or Billy or Baltazar. It was always and only Robert.

This, I thought, was someone who knew who he was.

And then you changed jobs. Someone at your new workplace called you Rob. You let the bastard cheapen your name. I mean, shorten it. And it stuck.

It’s not the first time, either. You had no control over people calling you Robbie when you were young. I get it. I let people call me Scotty when I was younger. I didn’t let them call me Scotty Potty, but it didn’t stop them from doing so.

But we grew up. You grew up. You’re better than that, Robert.

It’s not bad enough that everyone who‘s met you since the new job knows you as Rob. Now I see you are marketing yourself that way.

I love the song. But you simply can’t tie it to a fake name.

Shortened Names Are Never To Be Used

What’s changed? You don’t know Christopher Kokoski, but we’re “internet friends.” Just look at my list of Twitter followers if you don’t believe me. He was right there on the list, at least before this article.

He wrote a letter to people who shorten names.

As Chris — um, I mean Christopher — said,

My preference for my full name is not only because it’s my given name and I like it, but also because it’s a symbol of my maturity and personal growth.

He’s 100% right. Look at the evidence.

The Wikipedia entry for Robert says the name means “fame, glory, honour, renown” and also “bright, or shining.”

The Wikipedia entry for Rob says it means, “A ninny who shortened his name for no good reason.” Well, it doesn’t say that right this moment, but as soon as I get unbanned, I’ll fix that.

Don’t You Want To Be A Superhero?

Stop calling yourself, Rob. It’s pretentious and nobody likes it. You are Robert.

Embrace your growth. Display your maturity.

Look up famous people named Rob. Topping the list is Rob Kardashian.

I’m not going to disparage Rob’s maturity here. However, I have two words for you — reality star.

Now consider famous people named Robert.

Robert Downing Jr. somehow isn’t on this list. The only reason I can guess is he’s there under “Famous people named Iron.”

And let’s face it. Would you rather be associated with a Kardashian or Iron Man?

‘Nuff said.

Let’s Science This

Robert is powerful. But Rob? That’s not a name. It’s a verb. Worse, it’s one filthy sounding noun away from being a bad porn name.

Besides, did you know that people aren’t supposed to have the same number of syllables in their first and last name? I’m not making this up.

The most compatible first names will have a different number of syllables than your surname— Nameberry.com.

That’s practically science.

As this is an open letter that practically anyone can read, I’m not going to share your last name. But we both know that Webb only has one syllable. Adding a silent b doesn’t change that, no matter which b you pick.

Let’s Drag Shakespeare Into This.

Don’t let other people tell you what your name is unless it’s me, of course. Let me tell you all day.

However, don’t just take it from me. Take it from another writer much more famous than me. He wrote:

A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. — Shakespeare.

It seems to be making the opposite point I am. But I guarantee you we wouldn’t revere this great writer if he’d gone by Willie Smith.

Yours in more than name, Scott

Scott Hughey would like to apologize if he’s inadvertently upset anyone named Rob. Except, is anyone REALLY named Rob? What parent would name a child something that means “ninny who shortened his name for no good reason”

Want to learn more about names? I’ve got you covered: