Parents Can’t Be Trusted to Name Their Children Anymore
Kids are cruel. And they can rhyme.
We need a Department of Naming in this country. I almost said Department Of Name Calling, but that’s the opposite connotation that I’m going for.
It doesn’t matter if you’re reading this in the United States, Mexico, Great Britain, or Australia. This is still true.
The Department of Naming would be responsible for preventing parents from giving their offspring funny-sounding names.
Children are cruel. This is a truism. Many also learn to rhyme long before they can tell colors apart. Ah, children and their savage rhymes.
Take it from me, Scott. Or, as I was known throughout my formative years, Scotty. Thanks ever so, Mom and Dad.
It’s hard enough growing up being a kid who knows what formative years means. Try doing it with a name like Scotty. You can see it, can’t you?
It’s probably why, still, I’m not too fond of bathroom humor to this day and also prefer free-verse poetry.
You guessed it. Scotty Potty.
It still hurts. It’s also disappointing. Karate Scotty was RIGHT THERE, and not a single person used it.
Hmm. Come to think of it, shortly into high school. I had a beautiful friend of the family start calling me Scotty Too Hotty all the time mostly when no one else was around.
Years later, I see it for the missed opportunity it was. I may have been smart, Gwen, but I was also too naive to notice the signs. I’m so very, very sorry.
Back to my point. Children are cruel, and Scotty Potty is just one example. A child’s name manipulation doesn’t even have to be funny. It only has to hurt.
Parents — otherwise known as the adults who should be protecting their kids from dangers and unnecessary name-related banter — clearly can’t be trusted with the naming process.
Recently, I learned that certain names are banned in various countries. (1) These bans are not preemptive. They are in place because some parents thought the names were a good idea.
The United States is not as strict. (2) According to Wikipedia, the stronghold of truth in today’s world, the USA has very few laws governing names. They include:
- California says you can’t put an accent in a child’s name. Just try it, and they’ll tell you, “No way, José.”
- In most states, you can’t use a symbol in a name. Otherwise, people might start going around calling themselves Ƭ̵̬̊. (3) It doesn’t roll off the tongue quite like The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
Maybe he had the right idea, though. I have no idea how to say Ƭ̵̬̊, but you can bet your surname it doesn’t rhyme with Potty.
With names like Scotty Potty out there, it’s time for stricter control. And, I kid you not, I knew a guy named Adolph. Nice guy, though. I never asked, but I bet he had a harder time of it than I did.
Some countries have the right idea. They have stepped up for the safety and mental well-being of children. The Culture Trip website mentions fifteen names that have been banned around the world. (4) These include:
- Queen Victoria. That would have been a royal pain. Banned in New Zealand.
- Elvis. It’s too bad, really. If the king had met Queen Victoria, I bet they’d have hit it off. Banned in Sweden.
- Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116. Apparently, it’s pronounced Albin. Banned in Sweden. They must love their vowels there.
- Monkey. Seriously. Some parents tried to name their kid Monkey. You might as well have called him Beat Me. Banned in Australia.
You know what else makes the list in Australia? Dickhead. I’m not even kidding. The lesson? Don’t be born in Australia, I guess.
At least there, the government is looking out for children. More names should be banned in the United States. What names, you ask?
There’s no way to list them all. Something would slip through the cracks. I’m suggesting a per-approved list of names, and if you pick one off the list, it goes up for review.
To get things rolling, I’ve listed a few quick names not to be allowed.
- Scotty. (I think I’ve made myself clear on this. Scott, however, is acceptable.)
- Amanda. (If the Simpsons have taught me nothing else, it’s not to name your girl Amanda. What if she grows up and marries Mr. Hugnkiss?)
- Larry. (Harry Larry.)
- Matt. (Fat Matt.)
- Grace. (Disgrace.)
- Frank. (Frankenstein. Frank ‘n beans. Blank Frank.)
- Gene. (Mean Jean. I went to kindergarten with a Gene. And we called him Mean Gene. And he was. He was also great with rhymes. Who do you think came up with the Scotty rhyme in the first place?)
- Jean. (See Above.)
And whatever you do, don’t call the little one Richard. That would be a real dick move.
Scott Hughey does not give you permission to call him Scotty Potty. All rights reserved.
(1) https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/68768/22-outlawed-baby-names-around-world
(2) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naming_in_the_United_States
