An Example Of Future Faking From My Own Life

This is the kind of message you get when a manipulator wants to get your buy in.

My ex-husband would make a great case study on narcissism and borderline behaviors. The actions and thoughts are practically textbook.

So much so that I use them as examples quite often in my coaching. They make incredible templates for practicing responses. They have become good educational tools for recognizing common abuse and control tactics.

The most recent message he sent me is another gem. As you read it, keep in mind that it is meant to sound amazing and cooperative but I will go over it afterward on how this is deceptive and part of a pattern of destructive behavior.

The Message

*I’m removing places and kid’s names from this excerpt.*

So I finally have 100% solid update. I will be moving back to ___ . I found a place to rent. It’s about 10 minutes from ___ school north on ___. I’ll be working security so the typical every other weekend is no longer going to work due to the work schedule that is set. I’m hoping we can just work together to sort it out that way between you and I we can keep the courts out of it, if you’re OK with that?

There will be blocks where I’ll have 2 to maybe four weeks off due to being away for 1–4 weeks at a time as well. That said, it would be nice for ___ to just have some autonomy to come and go as he pleases, or to just help each other out as coparents based on his activities and needs and any events you may have planned. I’m very open to your thoughts on that of course.

I’ll be looking into insurance as well to make sure all that’s covered and changed over accordingly.

My first job starts the 28th of this month and it will run through the 23rd of March and then I’ll have some time off. I’ll provide the other dates of work/off blocks as they become available and dates confirm. Being closer will allow off times to be present with the boys and allow a better relationship especially with ___ and ___.

Doesn’t it sound nice?

It’s all fake news.

What It Really Means- Section by Section

Let’s break it down by sections to make it easier to see the tactics.

If you can begin to spot these in the messages you get from the manipulator in your life, you will be much more difficult to exploit.

They will continue to try, but they won’t be successful.

Section 1

‘’So I finally have 100% solid update. I will be moving back to ___ . I found a place to rent. It’s about 10 minutes from ___ school north on ___. I’ll be working security so the typical every other weekend is no longer going to work due to the work schedule that is set. I’m hoping we can just work together to sort it out that way between you and I we can keep the courts out of it, if you’re OK with that?’’

• First, he gave me the wrong location. I had to ask for the address and the one he gave was actually South in a different area and road.

This is typical behavior for him. He likes to give wrong information on purpose and then claim it was all a mistake. He used to do this all of the time during the marriage in my presence when he was on the phone. He described it as fun and that he liked it and felt a “high” when people bought one of his lies, even if it was useless or insignificant.

It’s easy enough to laugh off or give him the benefit of the doubt, but after nearly 30 years of watching him do this, I know it’s not a mistake. It’s part of a pattern.

• Second, he mentioned the courts.

He brings up the courts a lot, and then I hear from his lawyer if I don’t say Yes to whatever request he has made. When the words 1. court 2. mediation or 3. lawyer is said, I can expect that this will go through the system.

This can be seen in two ways, either as a promise or as a threat. It projects an ominous tone into the conversation because historically it has led to one conclusion. Say yes or get sued.

It also gives the illusion that I am the one controlling whether the courts are kept out of the situation. It’s a set-up. An If/then scenario.

If you say no, then I will be forced to use the courts.

This is a black-and-white thinking pattern. There are obviously more options than that. There is room for disagreement and compromise in a healthy situation. When you have compromised thinking from mental health issues like NPD or BPD, this kind of thought process is typical.

• Third, He needs a change to the immediate schedule and asks for my cooperation.

This is a ploy to get me to rearrange our current schedule so he can later go to the courts and ask for more time. If he can establish that I am on board with increasing his parenting time then I won’t have an argument later when he formally requests the increase.

If I thought he was doing it to be able to spend more time with the kids, then this would be no problem. He has demonstrated consistently over the years that this is not the case.

He is money motivated. He will play along with spending time with the kids until he can ask for a reduction in child support, then once he gets it, he will go back to ignoring them and not coming around. This is his pattern and there has been nothing to show that it will not continue and I’m not interested in wasting my time, coming up with a new arrangement so he can play games.

Pattern recognition is important when you are dealing with an exploiter. This is why writing down details by keeping a journal is handy. As one-offs, many actions don’t seem like anything, but when you put them together in a timeline the strategy becomes clear.

Section 2

‘’There will be blocks where I’ll have 2 to maybe four weeks off due to being away for 1–4 weeks at a time as well. That said, it would be nice for ___ to just have some autonomy to come and go as he pleases, or to just help each other out as coparents based on his activities and needs and any events you may have planned. I’m very open to your thoughts on that of course.’’

To date, any attempts at co-parenting have been met with refusal.

The opposite of co-parenting has happened, and I have had to work with therapists and coaches on parallel parenting to manage it. It will not magically happen this time simply because he puts it in a text message. Every action to date has demonstrated that this is a lie.

The data shows the truth. You can follow it to your answer.

This was a beautiful example of Future Faking.

Future faking is exactly what the name implies. Promises for a future experience are given, but the intention to follow through was never there.

In the 18 years with our children, he has not “helped me out” with the kids unless it lined up with a scheme he was running. If there was a benefit for him, he would show up, if there wasn’t, he didn’t. In this scenario, he will most likely show up until he gets the payout he is looking for, but then will stop again after he’s accomplished his goal.

Children need more consistency than that. They need someone who will show up for the long haul when it is important to the child, not the parent. I would be negligent in my parenting to submit the kids to behaviors I know will hurt them in the long run if I agreed to this re-arrangement request. Unless consistency can be shown over an extended period of time, I would be feeding them to a wolf.

This is what happens when the benefit of the doubt is given when it is unwarranted. It moves from compassion and giving a second chance (to the abuser)→ irresponsibility/ negligence (for the children).

The benefit of the doubt is for situations in which the negative has not been proven. In this case, it has been proven repeatedly. Any benefit coming from my side would be done by deliberately ignoring the evidence.

What are some ways the manipulator in your life has future faked you?

When did you figure it out? What clues were there that were overlooked?

Section 3

“I’ll be looking into insurance as well to make sure all that’s covered and changed over accordingly.’’

The kids are no longer insured.

He quit a 6 figure government job to do a side hustle contract one. Which means the kids lost their health and dental coverage. This was his way of informing me of this.

This message came the same day he moved out of his place and back to the area. It was not a spur-of-the-moment event. Insurance loss, informing me of the move and of needing to miss his next few scheduled visits could have happened in the prior months.

As you see in the next section, he needs me to change my plans to accommodate him. Which negates his prior section’s statement that he wants to accommodate me and any plans I have. If he was worried about my plans and wanted to co-parent he would have kept me informed of any of the job change and move activities instead of sending a message on the day he moved and quit his job.

This is an example of outright lying.

‘’My first job starts the 28th of this month and it will run through the 23rd of March and then I’ll have some time off. I’ll provide the other dates of work/off blocks as they become available and dates confirm. Being closer will allow off times to be present with the boys and allow a better relationship especially with ___ and ___.’’

This message was sent one week before he left for a month. He has sent more messages since with more dates he will not be in in town the following month. At the moment, he will miss his next 3 scheduled visits with his kids. I may get more messages reporting more time away.

This is the opposite of what the message says the purpose of the move is.

On top of that, he didn’t tell the kids he would not be around. I had to inform them that their father would not be getting them for their visits. If a better relationship was the real reason, then basic information would have been given to them and me in a reasonable amount of time.

There is no way to make plans when you have an opposing parent who is inconsistent with their time. Any plans made have to be flexible enough to be canceled at the last moment for when they do not show up.

When You Receive Communication From A Manipulator, Take Your Time With It

I waited many days before responding. I read it once, put it away for two days and then read it again with fresh eyes.

Once you read it through and compare its parts, you can clearly see where it contradicts itself.

By breaking it down into sections and seeing it as pieces of a puzzle, I was able to see it through a less emotional and more analytical lens.

You can take this approach with your communication as well.

If you know the patterns of the person you are dealing with, you have a template to sort the information with.

Don’t take messages at face value.

Even bullshit can be beautifully written.

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Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- for links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]

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