Summary

The article discusses the challenges and strategies of extending olive branches to narcissistic individuals, emphasizing the importance of radical acceptance and setting boundaries to minimize harm.

Abstract

The author reflects on the personal experience of dealing with narcissists, such as family members and ex-partners, and the futility of trying to resolve conflicts with them through peaceful gestures. The article argues that while extending an olive branch may seem like a mature approach, it often leads to enabling manipulative behavior in those with narcissistic tendencies or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The author suggests that maintaining relationships with narcissists may be necessary for various reasons, including familial obligations or professional constraints. However, the key to coping with such relationships is "radical acceptance," which involves acknowledging the reality of the situation, setting firm boundaries, and reducing the impact of manipulative behavior. This approach allows for a tolerable coexistence, even if the narcissist's behavior does not change. The article concludes that olive branches may still be offered, but with the understanding that they are temporary measures rather than hopes for lasting peace or change.

Opinions

"Being the bigger person" in the context of narcissistic relationships often equates to enabling rather than demonstrating good character.
Offering an olive branch to a narcissist is typically one-sided, with the narcissist offering false promises and the other party providing genuine solutions.
The success of an olive branch with a narcissist depends on their level of narcissism; it may work temporarily with someone mildly narcissistic but is likely to fail with someone diagnosed with NPD.
The author acknowledges extending olive branches to narcissists for various personal reasons, such as guilt, the presence of good times, or other constraints, despite knowing they may fail.
Radical acceptance is presented as a coping mechanism for those who must remain in a relationship with a narcissist, involving the cessation of excuses and the establishment of firm boundaries.
The article emphasizes that while olive branches may still be extended, they should be done without the expectation of change or lasting peace, serving instead as a means to minimize immediate harm.

Are You Getting Smacked With The Olive Branch You Extended?

The downside of trying to be the bigger person.

Why do I have to be bigger? Photo by Emre on Unsplash

“Be the bigger person”

If I had a penny for every time… I would have a lot of pennies.

Between my father, my grandmother, my ex-husband and my ex-MIL, I had a lot of practice in being the bigger person. I’m sick of being bigger.

What exactly does being the bigger person mean? In the real world, it means being mature and showing good character. In the world of addiction and narcissism, it means enabling.

Extending An Olive Branch To A User

When you try to be the bigger person you are the one who offers real solutions. This is the olive branch. The hope for settling differences and forging a different path in the future.

Someone who only wants to use you for something will offer their fake olive branch of suggestions, promises, and lies for a better future, but they are words only.

You are the one who offers actions. Your offers are not equal. One olive branch is offered as an instrument of peace and the other as a weapon.

Is It Possible To Extend An Olive Branch To Someone Narcissistic?

Whether an olive branch has a chance of working or not will depend on the level of narcissism the other person has. If they are merely narcissistic and have the capability of being more mid-range then it may work for a bit. If they have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), then the probability of any attempts at working things out are slim. They would most likely end up in failure.

I don’t believe there is a way to truly extend a peaceful solution to someone who is actively trying to get the better of you. If their intention is to be above you somehow and to use you for your resources, then any olive branch they promote would be a façade and the one you propose will get twisted into yet another scheme.

Whether you mean what you say and do all the things that you have promised you would, it does not matter in the end because it is a one-sided deal. You are left holding the short end of the stick and cleaning up whatever mess is left. Yet again.

Why Extend An Olive Branch At All?

Just like there are many reasons why people stay in relationships with narcissists, there are many reasons to extend olive branches we know are doomed to fail.

In my own life, I have extended an olive branch to my grandmother. I am fully aware that this is only for her sake. I will get nothing but grief and nonsense back, but I choose to do it because I am the last person speaking to her. If I go, she will be all alone. At nearly 90, I would feel too guilty to let her die alone. So I stick around. It is not altruistic. I’m doing it for selfish reasons. I don’t want the guilt later. And like with nearly all narcissistic relationships, there are good times mixed in with the bad. I keep those in mind and keep very firm boundaries with her. Even with that, I do often get smacked with the olive branch I put out to her. It stings, but I know why I do it, so that is okay by me.

This Is Why I Keep My Narcissistic Grandmother In My Life

Sometimes you have reasons for not cutting someone off for good.

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I have talked to many others who made the same decision for financial, familial, medical or fear reasons.

There are times when leaving or avoiding a narcissistic relationship is impossible. If you have just started a job at a new company and your cubicle mate is a narcissist, you may be forced to extend dozens of olive branches. The same thing goes for a college roommate, sibling or spouse.

Radical Acceptance and Minimizing Harm

Radical acceptance is the way you stay safest if you must remain in a narcissistically abusive relationship.

Radical acceptance is the act of being in full awareness of the reality of your situation. This is where the minimizing, enabling, and excuse-making stops. Once you decide to radically accept that you are dealing with a person who is trying to manipulate you, you begin to hold firm boundaries, reduce information sharing and create meaningful relationships elsewhere.

What Does Radical Acceptance Mean When It Comes To Narcissistic Abuse

It’s the only way to remain in one of these types of relationships.

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This is the way you minimize the amount of harm directed toward you.

It will not completely stop it because you are still within their circle of influence, but it will make it so you can tolerate it easier and it will not be as impactful. The only way to stop it for good is to leave the person causing the harm. If that is not a viable option for you then radical acceptance will become your new best friend.

Will I Still Extend Olive Branches?

Yes, you will need to at times. The difference will be in the thoughts and feelings behind it. With radical acceptance, the type of olive branch you extend will no longer be one of hope and true peace.

The thought that this time they will get it will not be there. You no longer pray that the person is going to change their ways and follow along. They are not going to and you accept that.

Instead, it becomes an olive branch of peace for now. A branch that minimizes the collateral damage done to you and others. It is no longer a branch you hope turns into a bridge. Instead, it is just a temporary branch. One you hold out until they break it in two and you have to decide whether to extend another one.

It is a never-ending cycle… but at least you have a bit of say in it now.

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Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- for links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]

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