This Is Why I Keep My Narcissistic Grandmother In My Life
Sometimes you have reasons for not cutting someone off for good.
If you were to meet my grandmother you would be charmed. Everyone is.
She is a less than 5 foot tall Indo-Asian, 90 something lbs, and walks with a stick (not a cane). At nearly 90 years old she seems harmless, but if you let her into your world, she will leave you wondering which way is up and asking what the heck just happened?
She’s a verb at this point to my friends. You just got Nana’d.
After meeting her for the first time I like to ask people, “Sooo… what did you think?” The common answers are, “She’s something.” or “I’m not sure if she insulted or complimented me.”
It was an insult. I can clear that up immediately.
I wrote a bit more about her in another article — My Grandma Is Crazy
Why Is She Not Cut Off If She’s So Bad?
For many years I didn’t know what was wrong with her. My siblings and I would joke about our crazy grandma. We made light of the insane things she did and the stories our mom would tell us about her. Some of them were really bad too. She did things that I would never dream of doing to enemies, let alone my family members.
I often wonder how she is still alive.
Growing up with this level of toxicity is probably why I have decided to not cut her off completely. It is who she is. It doesn’t shock me anymore. I like knowing what I’m going to get from her.
- It will be nuts.
- It will not make sense.
- It will frustrate everyone involved.
- It is who she has always been.
This is Radical Acceptance.
- I accept that she will not change.
- I accept that she is going to continue to be a pain in the butt.
- I accept that she will be hurtful and I have to guard my feelings from her.
- I accept that there will never be the kind of relationship I wish I had with her.
It all involves things that I must do to protect myself from her toxicity. It’s like mentally donning a Hazmat suit.
I can’t expect anything from her because she does not have it to give. It would be like asking a toddler to do my yearly taxes. They’re going to mess it up and not know how to do it because it wasn’t a fair ask. She’s like a toddler emotionally. She can’t give me grown-up reactions because she is not able to, it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask.
And I accept that.
Radical Acceptance Is the Only Way To Remain In a Relationship With Someone Narcissistic
This is a tough one to hear for those of us with codependent tendencies.
Accepting who they are does not take away the want for them to do better. It does tamper down the HOPE. Instead of making decisions hoping that this time they’ll get it, you go in with the knowledge that they will do exactly as they have always done in the past.
If they one day open their eyes and get it, that would be great, but you no longer wait for that to happen.
This keeps you from investing too much energy and emotions into the relationship.
- YES this is not a fulfilling relationship
- YES is it surface level only
- YES it sucks
And it also keeps you safe psychologically from the harm while allowing you to remain connected to them.
There are a lot of reasons you may want or need to remain. Family, religion, finances, children, location, social pressure, work, fear, timing, etc… Whatever it is, radical acceptance can give you a bit of breathing room while you stay around.
If you need help working on radical acceptance, reach out to me at [email protected]. If I can’t assist you I can refer you to someone else that may be able to.