Married Single Parent Issue #1: I said I wanted help, not that I hated my kids!
When bids for help get you punishment instead
Not #1 as if this is the worst issue. They all stink. I plan on writing about more of them in the future.
When I was married, I used to joke with my friends that I was a single mom with a financier. Except for bringing in the majority of the household money, I did practically everything else there was for the home and kids.
The cleaning, shopping, yard work, home repairs, school activities, sports practices, bill paying, tutoring, retirement planning, chauffeuring around town, etc… It was exhausting.
I remember one time asking my ex-husband if he could begin doing the laundry once a week and he responded, “I can do my own so you’ll have one less person to clean up after.”
*Not helpful dude. Not even a little. I needed ALL the laundry done.*
The Tables Get Turned Against You In An Argument With An Abuser
The first years in our new home were chaotic for me. I was the one working full-time and supporting us, but I was still doing all of the things I had done when I was a stay-at-home mom.
I remember feeling like I was dying some days. At least twice week, I would go to my car during lunch to take a nap so I could have the energy to get everything done after work. One of those things was sports practice.
If any of you have had a kid who played hockey, you understand how much time goes into this sport. It is not the once or twice a week event that soccer can be. It is every single day for hours and you are cold most of the time on top of it. I could not wait to pull the plug on that sport, but my son loved it so much. He didn’t like it, he was obsessed with it.
Almost every day was nearly the same routine.
- Wake up
- Get the kids ready
- Drop off one at school and the other at daycare
- Work
- Pick up the kids
- Grab sports equipment and snacks
- Go to practice
- Home
- Homework
- Dinner
- Cleaning
- Shower
- Bed
Occasionally throw in the grocery store or yard work.
There is no childcare at the ice house or the gym beside it, so I had to watch the baby while I waited for practice to end. Some of the time we could take off and walk around the outside of the building, but when it is raining or really cold, you are stuck inside waiting.
During sports practice is the only time I wish I lived closer to town. I love being so far out in the country 99% of the time, but there are no drop-offs happening when you have a 50 minute round-trip drive.
After a year of this schedule, I was feeling very burned out. I asked my then-husband if he could be the one to take our oldest to practice a few days a week. This way I could go get other things done and our youngest wouldn’t have to sit through as many practices.
You would have thought I asked him to chop off his foot.
I had to hear about this request for many years to come. It was even brought up as a reason why he needed to cheat a few years later.
That one-time request was used as a weapon in all sorts of situations.
Moms Shouldn’t Feel This Way
There were so many shoulds that I failed at in my marriage. This was yet another one.
The gist of the opposition to my request was → You aren’t the mom you should be.
I instead should have cherished each one of these moments with my children. I should have longed to take them to every practice. I should have done it without complaint. I shouldn’t need help to raise them. The Mom Love should have given me the energy to do it all.
Obviously, I was guilty of hating them since I felt the need to ask for help.
There was no in-between. Love or Hate. Pick one. These were the options I was given.
My Story Is Not Unique
That may be the saddest part of it all.
I have heard this from my own clients and I have seen it written in support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse. The script is there and only small details deviate from it.
If you are a single (yet still married) parent you are not alone.
The Story Is Complete BS
You are not selfish for wanting a partner in child-rearing. When you are married with kids, this is the deal you make. Expecting your partner to hold up their end of the bargain is not selfish or strange.
A deal does not need to be explicitly spelled out for it to be real. There are many things that are a given in any situation. When you get married and have children, it is a given that both parents will participate in the raising and nurturing of the kids.
(I know there are some cultures where this is not the case. I am not referring to those. I am only discussing what is the average situation in US households.)
When a partner uses a request like this against you as a way to emotionally abuse you it is a form of deflection and control. An attack like this is called an Ad Hominem Attack.
An Ad Hominem Attack is when someone uses a criticism of you as a person in an attempt to invalidate you. The criticism may be true, or it can be a bunch of bull. The purpose is to devalue you. If they can devalue you, they can then make the case that your opinion should be devalued as well.
That theory doesn’t hold water most of the time. I could have been the most despicable mom in the world and my request for assistance would still have been a valid one.
If someone is using this type of attack on you ask yourself this one question. Is that a good reason why my request is invalid?
I bet the answer is No.
Why Was He So Upset About My Request?
The grand reason he was upset about it… He could only work out once a day if he had to start helping.
Seriously.
Two-a-days were essential. He had a hard childhood and working out made him feel better. I can’t believe I was being so selfish, asking him to cut back on his mental health needs!
I learned my lesson well that day. I stopped asking him for assistance with things. It wasn’t worth the punishments the requests brought.
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Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- for links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]
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