An Entropic Expansion of Poetry

A project of breaking down poems to rebuild in collaborative artistry with Trista, Chirag and Suntuno

When Suntonu Bhadra invited me to be part of his project to critic and re-write poetry, I said yes. Honoured that he would consider me in his project, and eager for a chance to work with fellow writers Trista Ainsworth and Chirag. Then I got started, reading the instructions three times over. I didn’t get it. I am not a natural critic, this was hard. So hard.

Of course, my inner critic had a field day. “You are not a real writer,” he said. “You are letting Suntonu down”. “Now Trista and Chirag know what an impostor you are.” I listened and hid, despite gentle prods from Suntonu, I hoped the project would simply go away.

But this morning, waking up to yet another prod from Suntonu, I decided to write. Just write. So I started with the first words above. Now I have decided to do what I do best, write from my authentic self, without overthinking, without wondering ‘what is expected of me’ without my innate urge to please people, without the question I always ask myself “am I doing this right?” Sometimes you just have to go for it.

The Collaboration

The task was to critic a fellow writer’s poem or story, and provide an interpretation that would enable the writer expand on their work. In turn, I provide a poem for their critique, and use the feedback to rebuild my work. Here are the original pieces of work from fellow writers along with my critique.

Trista Ainsworth’s original story — How to live in Joy

Trisha’s story contains a delightful piece of poetry about enjoying strawberries. I love how the simple pleasure of eating strawberries conjures a memory of grandma and grandpa. I would have loved to know more about that late spring day, was it colourful? Noisy? I want to feel that memory with you. I want to see what you saw, smell it and touch it. Take me there with you. Then bring me back to the box of strawberries.

My takeaway is the powerful way in which Trista took us from present day to a beautiful memory.

Chirag writes about a baby’s stream of consciousness

The heart-rending story told from the baby’s point of view tracks the story of rejection based on gender. It struck a chord with me, as it is a typical African experience, where most families value the male gender above the female. I loved the fact that it was told from the baby’s point of view. I would have like the first part of the poem to be shorter, and more time given to the distress the baby felt as she slowly realised she was not wanted. I would have like to know what the mother was thinking, as she pushed and then as she discovered it was a girl. maybe interspersed in the story. I would have also liked a God-like perspective giving us a ‘beyond human’ narrative.

My takeaway is the way in which Chirag used poetry to highlight such a pertinent issue.

Suntonu Bhadra is revolting against his thoughts

I liked how he addressed his feeling right at the start, telling us that they were hiding away, perhaps feeling ugly, but in reality they are beautiful. I loved his use of language . Removing a letter from a word and describing strong feelings “You blind me, you bind me.” I would like to read more thoughts from your feelings. For example, your feelings are responding to this poem

My takeaway is the strength of the words selected and the way the sentences are written, the way they make me feel.

My Collaborative Expansion

Here is the original work I submitted for review:

and here is the original collaboration challenge:

Thank you Suntonu, for this challenge!