America’s Got Talent: The Champions episode 4 review and rankings

Tape Face is back, some singers sing, and a dude throws up. All this and more on AGT Champions week four!

We’re back for week four of America’s Got Talent: The Champions against our better judgment. AGT brought back 50 of the best acts from America and around the world and is slowly eliminating the talent and turning it into American Idol for the finals. Week one saw singer Susan Boyle and comedian Preacher Lawson advance, followed by danger act Deadly Games and singer Cristina Ramos in week two. Last week we added two more singers in Paul Potts and Angelica Hale.

And still, we persist. This dumb show keeps giving us weird international and animal acts, then ignoring the few elite acts each night to dutifully put through the only singers. It’s America’s Got Talent: The Champions: The Singers!! One more colon and we’ll have a full analogy.

I’m reviewing every act each week with my usual wit and increasingly sardonic sarcasm, so at least if the talent doesn’t entertain you (spoiler alert: don’t get your hopes up), perhaps my commentary will. Spoilers abound, so be sure to watch first. Leave your rankings in the comments at the bottom!

Introduction of judges and rules

Great, I’m already annoyed before the show even starts. In the opening montage preview, we got the golden buzzer spoiled showing a Simon fake-out and the words we now know he’ll say right before the buzzer. Awesome. On the plus side, at least since Simon’s the golden buzzer tonight, we’ll get someone actually talented.

You know the drill. Ten acts perform and the only survivors are the golden buzzer and one other act chosen by the 50 U.S. states, the District of Columbia, the European Union, and good people of Narnia. Terry Crews will host with gratuitous camera shots amidst the acts to remind us how good his shocked face is. Off we go!

Issy Simpson

Up first tonight is a kid magician that was runner-up in Britain’s Got Talent. Issy feels more cute than great, and the magic doesn’t quite measure up to some of the high-end magicians we’ve seen on AGT over the years. If we’ve learned nothing else from all these international acts, it’s that America really does have more talent than the rest of the world. Thanks, Obama. Issy is fun but never stops feeling like a kid magician. Thank you, next.

The Texas Tenors

Zzzzzzzzz… Just an ungodly, outdated performance. The trio took Unchained Melody and somehow made it even slower and more schmaltzy, so I suppose that’s a talent. I honestly expected them to get buzzed. The single worst act of AGT Champions so far. Are reviewers allowed to fast forward?

Drew Lynch

Did you watch AGT in 2015? Well you’re in for a treat, because Drew Lynch is one of three members of the 2015 Final Four (Duke was unavailable) performing tonight. You probably remember Drew as the comedian with the stutter. He’s funny. But the performance feels a little one-note with repeated stutter jokes including one about how his jokes get an automatic remix that then itself gets remixed as a joke twice too many times and suddenly the performance is over and I feel like there wasn’t enough build-up or pay-off.

Paul Zerdin

I did not watch 2015 AGT, but apparently this guy won, which means we’ve now had three winning ventriloquist acts in 12 seasons? I think I know how to win this thing; I’m no dummy. Zerdin beat Drew in the finals, so it feels cruel that he gets to go immediately beat him again. I’m a bit bored at first, too much banter between Zerdin and his puppet, then suddenly out of nowhere, this dude starts beatboxing while the dummy simultaneously hums a ditty. Zerdin gets an immediate rewind, then a third rewatch for my first legit jaw drop of the season. How do you beatbox and hum and not move your lips? I am gobsmacked. I fully expect Simon to hit his golden buzzer… but he doesn’t even like it?! Wow. I did a little research and found this ordinary fella that can also hum and beatbox, so maybe this is just a standard beatboxing technique and Zerdin should’ve stayed in his lane. Whatever. I’m still impressed.

Moonlight Brothers

These dudes won Denmark’s Got Talent, which probably tells us more about Denmark than it does about their talent. Listen, I won a North Dakota state math contest when I was little, but how impressive is it really to beat 13 other contestants and a giant pile of snow? It feels like the Moonlight Brothers try a little too hard to Americanize their dance act, and there are way too many judges’ reaction shots. I agree with Mel B. I expected more.

Tape Face

Tape Face is back! I love the intro Tape Face video with his past performances cut together in a Clockwork Orange remix. Tape Face is creative and silly, and he makes me smile every time. I’m not even entirely sure how to describe his act. I guess he’s something like a goth Charlie Chaplain? Mr. Face uses Howie and Terry in his act and even has a cute little golden buzzer moment for Terry’s induced striptease, deservedly so since it’s the single best use of Crews all season. Tape Face is always memorable. I’m grateful to have him back in my life again, even if only for what will clearly be one night.

Kechi

Oh no. As soon as I see Kechi batting seventh, I just know she’s our golden buzzer. Kechi has an incredible story. She’s one of two survivors from a plane crash that killed 107, and the crash left her covered in third-degree burns with a 30% chance of survival. Kechi’s story is inspiring and amazing. Unfortunately, I’ve never felt the same way about her singing. It’s… fine. She’s good. But she’s memorable for her story, not her voice. I immediately noticed on my phone within 15 seconds and at least felt relieved this wouldn’t be the golden buzzer and then of course it was anyway, and the moment had been spoiled earlier, and it felt like double deja vu all over again. I hate this show. America’s Got Singers!!

The Professional Regurgitator

The Professional Regurgitator is up next, because AGT putting another singer through to the finals is tough to swallow. I mean, I hate to bring it up again but it honestly makes me want to puke. Maybe if TPR swallows this season’s results and coughs them up again, we’ll get new winners. I think you could disgorge names from a hat and do just as well at this point. Simon throws up a red X and nearly kills the Regurgitator as he’s swallowing a blade to cut a tomato in half in his tummy. Neat. I want to hurl my remote at the TV.

Brian Justin Crum

Brian wore his ugly Christmas sweater and talks about how he got the wrong songs last time. He’s doing Elton John’s “Your Song” tonight and wow is it ever the right song. Brian is spectacular, and he grabs my attention from the very first note. He has a killer Freddie Mercury-esque voice and masterful voice control and he absolutely crushes it, making the song his own and bettering the Rocket Man’s version. Now that’s how you do a golden buzzer singer act. Sigh. Brian should have an excellent chance at advancing, and in an era where we obsess over Bohemian Rhapsody and Lady Gaga, he’s got a real chance to win the whole thing. A star is born, indeed.

Kenichi Ebina

Kenichi won season eight but he’s 44 and it feels like age must start to take a toll on a dancer like him. He starts out with his patented move where his head suddenly drops a foot in front of his body somehow, but then things go off the rails a bit with some sort of overproduced video game simulation dance fight. I’m starting to lose interest when suddenly Kenichi remixes the neck-drop trick by somehow detaching his body from his legs in a wild dance-magic move that blows my mind and gets an immediate rewind. I’m not entirely sure what I just watched, but it was pretty cool.

My personal rankings

So bad I had to create a new tier

10. The Texas Tenors

Champions? More like chumpions.

9. Moonlight Brothers 8. Issy Simpson 7. Kechi 6. Drew Lynch

Things we have learned so far this season... Thing #1 — kid acts do not age well when they come back as pre-teens and aren’t as cute and we have to judge them for their talent. Thing #2 — America really does Got Talent, cuz the international acts haven’t measured up. Thing #3 — the judges really suck at golden buzzers. They’ve now picked acts I ranked fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh out of ten.

Worthy of consideration

5. The Professional Regurgitator 4. Tape Face

I don’t honestly know what Tape Face is, I just know I want to see more of him. As for TPR, if we’re going to count barfing as a talent, then I’m relatively certain he’s the best in the world at it, which at the very least is better than being the 13,729th best singer in the world, so that’s something.

My top three

3. Kenichi Ebina 2. Paul Zerdin 1. Brian Justin Crum

Fine, I’m a hypocrite. So sue me. Brian Justin Crum was awesome and a clear #1. I don’t hate all singing acts; I just hate when it’s all singing acts. We’ve seen 40 acts now. BJC and Courtney Hadwin are absolutely among the best eight acts and should be in the finals. I’d pass on the rest. Just because we’re all familiar with music and know how to judge talent more easily doesn’t mean singers should populate the entire finals. In this case, Brian really ought to be there. He was much better than Zerdin and Kenichi, who sprinkled jaw-dropping moments into otherwise tepid performances.

The Results

Terry returns to announce tonight’s top three. The first names are Brian Justin Crum and Paul Zerdin, and I am pleasantly surprised to see my top two still in the mix. Then Crews shocks us with another twist the prelude already gave away two hours ago as two acts have TIED for the final spot! It sounds very impressive until you remember we already put through one act and nominated two others, so these acts tied for fourth and fifth out of ten which is kind of like being excited for a runner that tied for fourth with that guy you’ve never heard of because nobody cares or remembers who came in fourth. Anyway, it’s Drew Lynch and Tape Face!

Terry reviews our usual demographics. Looks like we still have 50 states. We’re told that Brian won California, Hawaii, and Texas, which is oddly specific and not a particularly broad range. I hope this is an electoral college.

Third place goes to… Tape Face and Drew! Duh. They can’t tie for the win, and if they had tied for second, we’d have just left the next act out. That was dumb.

And tonight’s winner is Brian Justin Crum! Hey, America got one right. It had to be Brian. He’s our second #1 act to go through, both times thanks to the 50-state vote and not the judges’ golden buzzer.

Next week is the final ten acts and presumably Terry’s golden buzzer. Which only serves as an always important reminder: Terry Crews is still not Tyra Banks, and that is reason enough to keep watching. See you next week.

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