America’s Got Talent: The Champions episode 3 review and rankings

Magician Jon Dorenbos headlines a weaker show featuring a pair of comedians and a hit brother-sister roller-skate duo…

Here we go, week three of America’s Got Talent: The Champions. Fifty of the best acts are back from previous iterations of AGT both in America and around the world, and this is our third set of ten. In week one, we sent singer Susan Boyle and comedian Preacher Lawson to the finals. Last week was danger act Deadly Games and singer Cristina Ramos. Two more this week.

I’m reviewing every act each week with my pithy wit, because I’m a better judge than America’s fifty states and I definitely have a better golden buzzer than Heidi and Mel B. In case it’s not obvious, spoilers abound, so be sure to watch the show first. Leave your rankings in the comments at the bottom!

Introduction of judges and rules

Out comes Terry Crews in a pink suit and I can dig it. Howie gets tonight’s golden buzzer. Too bad he didn’t have it last week or Courtney Hadwin would still be around. Though after last week’s results, not coincidentally I’m sure, Crews announced on Twitter that there would still be a chance for acts like Courtney to come back for the finals with the #AGTWildcard. Of course.

They haven’t explained how that will work, but then again, they haven’t explained how any of this works. The 50-state vote thing is still extremely nebulous, and they haven’t even announced what the winner actually wins. Pretty sure the winner is America’s Got Talent and what they win is Simon getting all of his acts some serious TV time before the inevitable AGT Champions Tour, coming soon to a city near you!

Alright, we know the drill. Ten acts enter, two leave. One from Howie’s golden buzzer, which will almost definitely be act seven, eight, or nine, and one will come from the weird state vote thing. Yay.

DJ Arch

This kid is adorable, complete with the missing front four teeth. Apparently DJ Arch won South Africa’s Got Talent at age three!? That’s crazy. Imagine being a grown adult who honed your craft your whole life, made the finals of a national talent show, and lost to a three-year-old. It’s time to move on with your career at that point, right? DJ Arch hits a bunch of buttons while loud music rocks the arena with way too many lights and pyrotechnics. I’m guessing this was more impressive when he was the same age your kid was still learning to talk. At age six? Not so much. My sister sang a song with all 50 U.S. states in alphabetical order at age six, and I’d put her up against anyone.

Darcy Oake

Darcy is a magician from Britain’s Got Talent, and he’s smartly using Howie in his act, along with a random dude from the crowd that’s definitely not a plant. He’s also using Heidi. Always use the supermodel and the guy with the golden buzzer. But Simon’s right — it wasn’t enough. Darcy levitates Heidi, a trick we’ve all seen a hundred times, and he lacks showmanship. They already showed Jon Dorenbos is coming later, and Darcy might have to watch from the street because he doesn’t even belong in the same building as Dorenbos.

Angelica Hale

These returning kid acts are difficult, because a lot of their draw was their adorability at such a young age. Angelica was the runner-up to Darci Lynne, and she all growed up now. Is she still IN IT TO WIN IT?? Angelica sings “Fight Song,” and she’s definitely good enough to make this year’s American Idol top 12. She crushes the key change, but again, this is the sort of performance that stands out at age six but not age 11. Soooo of course Howie hits the golden buzzer. Sigh. He had the look, but I thought we were safe this early. Three golden buzzers from acts that don’t deserve to go through. Thanks America.

Tom Cotter

Welcome back Cotter! I remember this guy. He’s funny. Wait, he lost to dogs last time? That’s so sad. And LOL he comes out with a dog, just to be safe, named Simon Growl. Clever. Wow! Simon buzzes Tom halfway through his act, and that is brutal. Totally unnecessary, to give a guy a second chance then end his dreams before he can even finish his act! Not cool. Though I have to admit, I laughed hardest at the cutaway showing Samuel say the buzzer just cured his Tourette’s, so I suppose that says something.

Prince Poppycock

Ugh. I was pretty sure I’d never have to see this guy again, but here we are. Can I use my buzzer? Maybe next time, don’t be knockoff Lady Gaga singing Lady Gaga ten times worse than Lady Gaga. My mom always taught me if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say nothing at all.

Ryan and AmberLynn

Oh shoot, I totally forgot about Amber almost killing Ryan on stage with a flaming arrow, almost forcing AGT to rethink the concept of a “live” show. Amber treats her husband worse than Wendy treats Chuck on Billions, and we cut to commercial right as she fires a flaming arrow again. I’m secretly hoping she accidentally shot him again. She hits the target, and it’s honestly a little less exciting that way.

Samuel J. Comroe

Tough spot for Samuel coming out after two dud acts, but I’m hopeful because Samuel is super funny. He could absolutely give Preacher a challenge in the finals. He has an excellent set again, though it’s more of an eight than a perfect ten. I was left wanting a little more, but only because I love Samuel and his Tourette’s so much. Shame on Howie for burning his golden buzzer early when he could’ve put through a fellow comedian here.

Paul Potts

…

Oh, sorry, I think I dozed off there for a second. That’s what opera is for, right? Paul Potts won Britain’s Got Talent 2007, which just goes to show that Britain is stupid and we were right to leave for America. Paul Potts has a proper British name, so he’s got that going for him. And I’m sure he’s a perfectly lovely opera singer, but whatever. Please don’t let this be tonight’s winner. Though I gotta be honest, I am not feeling this show. Two acts left?

Jon Dorenbos

YES, now we’re talking! Finally after a slow 45 minutes, AGT has my attention again. Wow, this dude’s story just gets crazier. His father murdered his mother and went to prison, and since his last time on AGT, he had his NFL career derailed by an emergency open heart surgery. I had no idea. Jon is such a terrific showman, and that’s so important as a magician. He feels like someone that could win this whole thing. He brings his life story into his act, involves the judges, the whole shebang. The tic-tac-toe game is a bit slow, but the act and the reveal are wow. This should have been tonight’s golden buzzer. Come on, America.

Billy & Emily

The crazy roller-skating brother and sister are back! They were spectacular last time out and then disappeared unceremoniously, didn’t even make the finals. Good on AGT bringing them back, and now they’re in the final spot for the night so expectations are high. And WOW do they meet them. Billy & Emily are breathtaking. Like I actually forget to breathe and my arms and body contort every which way as I watch these two spin and twirl. This is how you do a danger act. They definitely saved the best two acts for last. Wow. I actually have to use the commercial break to catch my breath after that. Awesome.

My personal rankings

Champions? More like chumpions.

10. Prince Poppycock 9. Ryan and AmberLynn 8. DJ Arch 7. Darcy Oake 6. Paul Potts

Tonight’s show was the worst of the three so far by a decent margin, and these five acts were completely forgettable. I actually had to scroll back through my notes just to remember them all. I don’t have anything more to add.

Worthy of consideration

5. Tom Cotter 4. Angelica Hale

I don’t actually think Tom or Angelica are “worthy of consideration,” just sticking with my usual headings. Angelica was fine, and she’s actually my highest ranked golden buzzer at four compared to Susan Boyle five and Deadly Games six, but that’s only because tonight’s show was so weak.

My top three

3. Samuel J. Comroe 2. Jon Dorenbos 1. Billy & Emily

I wouldn’t even consider putting anyone through outside of this trio, and honestly, I don’t think Samuel J. Comroe quite belongs just because Jon Dorenbos and Billy & Emily were so fantastic. It couldn’t be more obvious to me that they were tonight’s top two. Obviously only one of them can move on now. I think Dorenbos has a better chance to win the whole thing, but Billy & Emily were better by one of Billy’s beard hairs tonight. As long as America picks one of these two, I’ll be content.

The Results

Terry comes back out and reminds us he’s hosting this show, even though he adds pretty much nothing. Still better than Tyra.

The top three are announced, and Billy & Emily and Jon Dorenbos are the first two choices! I’m delighted. I’d love to see Samuel J. Comroe get the third spot, but I know in my gut it’s going to be the dumb opera guy. Sure enough, Paul Potts gets the final spot.

Don’t do this, America.

We get some weird demographics again, because, whatever. Jon Dorenbos is apparently the leading vote getter among men age 34-to-36 from Illinois that ate pizza tonight and currently have a headache. I’m flattered. Unfortunately, Jon is also third place. Bummer.

Alright, we’re down to tonight’s best act, plus a rotund singer. We’re officially America’s Got Anyone But Potts at this point. And the winner is…

UGH.

What the heck, America? Paul Potts is our winner. Special. Can’t wait to fast forward him during the finals. I am genuinely angry. We’re now at four singing acts out of six in the finals. This sucks. Are we watching AGT or The Voice? At least the singers on The Voice are really good and occasionally fun. I guess AGT got one thing right on tonight’s show: this is definitely poppycock.

Whatever. Anyone wanna recap Episode 4 for me next week? I might be out.

Wait, Tape Face is back? Guess I’ll see you then.

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