Achieve Sensational Everlasting Love

15 ways to know someone truly loves you and how to use emotional intelligence to avoid self-sabotage and improve relationships.

Relationships are complicated, but life is complicated so why does that come as any surprise? Love is something that deep down we all desire, in fact, we all need love. It feels great to be appreciated and cherished. Many times though we enter relationships with unhealed trauma from past experiences and end up self-sabotaging the relationship when we want it to work. So, how do we know when someone really loves us? How do we know if we are pushing the right person away just because of our unhealed attachment style or other unhealed trauma?

Signs of an Avoidant or Anxious Avoidant Attachment

• Feels suffocated when intimate or vulnerable, may tend to run away
• Worried about losing their independence
• Minimizes closeness both consciously and subconsciously
• Feels unlovable
• Worries about the emotional availability of the partner

If both people in the relationship are not securely attached, which rarely happens, the relationship may seem unstable. This does not mean the relationship is toxic or hopeless. It may mean you need to understand each other and put a little extra effort into it. Perhaps some outside help from a coach or therapist who could facilitate some understanding and guide some constructive conversations would be helpful. If you truly love each other, it is best to work through it. Otherwise, you will continue to carry those patterns into future relationships, and you may regret letting the person you love getaway.

I have seen clients go for “the bad boy” when the nice guy who possesses all the traits they deeply desire is right in front of them begging for their attention. The problem is “the bad boy” offers excitement and attention. But not the kind of attention they need or deserve. They do not feel worthy of the nice guy due to past trauma even though deep down it is what they want. This is a form of self-sabotage.

“In a mature relationship your partner won’t expect you to be the same everyday. They understand that you have your own ups and downs, and your own process of growth. Instead of complaining when you can’t show up 100%, they ask, “how are you feeling and how can I support you?” ~Yung Pueblo

Love Languages

Understanding your love language and then that of your partner is very important so you can best meet each other’s emotional needs. Dr. Gary Chapman explains the Five Love Languages and I highly recommend his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Understanding each other’s love language should bring you closer in your relationship. Huzaifa Irfan wrote a fantastic article about this exact subject titled; If You Crave Your Partner to Appreciate Your Love, You Must Read This Book.

Self-Acceptance and Self-Love

It is crucial to practice self-acceptance and self-love before you can fully love or be loved. Now, some experts will argue with this, but in my experience, this has been the case. I tried to love a man who had childhood trauma from abuse, and he did not love or accept himself. I thought if I just loved him unconditionally eventually, he would learn to love himself. Oh, boy was I wrong. He now writes about how “abusive I am” because I broke up with him, so now I am suddenly the “covert narcissist because I abandoned him.” In reality, I loved him. He did not love himself. He self-sabotaged. He talked in circles, refused to resolve conflict, and refused to forgive past mistakes. So, yes, I closed the door and had to move on after being gaslighted, verbally and emotionally abused, and heartbroken. Was there love, yes, but there was also emotional abuse from him, yes. So in that particular case, I had no option but to close the door and move on. Self-love and acceptance is the first step for a successful relationship in my humble opinion. There is a fine line between a toxic relationship and one that needs work but can be salvaged.

“There is no shortage of people you will find physically beautiful, but finding someone who matches the maturity you are looking for, the dedication to grow, the humor that brings you comfort, and someone who feels just right in your arms and life is incredibly unique.” ~Yung Pueblo

What are the signs that someone really does love you?

1. They remember every detail about you because they care.

2. They cannot stop looking at you and smiling, they may even wish they had an extra eye so they could see you while driving.

3. They have fun with you, even while doing mundane everyday tasks.

4. They want to see you succeed and would do anything to see you happy.

5. They are proud of you and want to introduce you to everyone who is important to them.

6. They lift you up and never put you down, especially in front of others.

7. They are willing to problem solve with you and work to resolve conflict as a team. They have no problem apologizing and also forgiving.

8. They look for ways to make your life easier.

9. They accept you completely especially your corkiness.

10. They prioritize you and make you feel important and special.

11. They listen to and understand you.

12. They want to share their life and their frustrations with you and find comfort in you.

13. They respect your interdependence and are not clingy.

14. You feel the love and the passion.

15. You feel the appreciation through kind gestures

Allow Me to Expand

Someone who truly loves you will remember every detail because you matter to them. They will pay attention to your favorite color, favorite foods, where you like to go, and where you prefer not to go. They will bend over backward to make you happy without you even realizing it. You will go to tell a story and they will remind you that you told it because they remember when most people would not. You will look up from eating your meal and they will be smiling just admiring you enjoying your meal. You will feel them looking at you in the car and across a crowded room because they cannot keep their eyes off of you. They think you are the most spectacular person on earth. You know this person would never cheat on you or harm you in any way because they simply adore you and would never risk losing you.

You can run errands or watch T.V. at home and fold laundry and laugh and enjoy life because this person is not only your lover but is your best friend. You enjoy doing everything together, but you also allow each other time with friends and time apart. It is not a clingy or needy relationship.

They are proud of you and want to introduce you to everyone they know, and you feel the same way. Your friend groups expand and also begin to co-mingle. The synergy between you allows you to rise to new heights because to inspire each other and lift each other up. You work as a team to problem-solve and never put each other down. You are each other’s greatest cheerleaders and also each other’s most gentle critics allowing for growth in a safe loving environment.

You have complete trust, respect, and understanding for one another. When one makes a mistake there is forgiveness. You have total acceptance, awareness, and empathy for one another. You look out for each other and offer kind gestures of support. There is one hundred percent loyalty. Other people want to be around you as a couple because they can feel your good energy and are attracted to it.

With love, everything feels better. Every celebration is elevated and feels better with the person you love. Every hardship is easier to endure with the person you love by your side.

The problem is we tend to give up too easily on our person because it is easier to give up than to face the risk of them potentially hurting us. But what if we reframe that thought? What if we decide to commit to our person through thick and thin the way it used to be? Not if abuse is involved, of course, but just to avoid self-sabotage. Put the work into a loving relationship. Stand by your person. Stand by yourself and honor your intention to love and be loved rather than the fear of rejection and abandonment interfering.

We Can Raise Our Odds at a Successful Long Term Relationship by Increasing EQ

You are worthy of love. I am worthy of love. We have got to turn this divorce rate around. I believe by raising emotional intelligence it is possible. We all want to be loved, accepted and appreciated. So why not put effort into it like everything else we desire in life?

When using high emotional intelligence, you do not use harsh words with the person you love. You pause and respond rather than react in times of frustration. Conflict is unavoidable, but it is how the conflict is dealt with that is important. You want to be in the foxhole with your partner, not fighting against them. Words can be forgiven, but they are rarely forgotten and can dim the light of the soul and cause your partner to feel wounded.

Raising awareness through emotional intelligence allows us to align our words, actions, and thoughts. We begin to understand our partner's needs and we work to help them as much as possible in our own behavior.

Empathy and being able to feel your partner and what they are going through in life allows for deeper intimacy physically, spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually allowing for a complete connection. We raise our levels of empathy by raising emotional intelligence and by eye contact with our partners. Staring into our partner's eyes allows us to connect on a deeper level. The eyes have long been known, or referred to, as the portal into our souls. Our pupils dilate when we are both sexually excited as well as enraged and studies show that prolonged eye gazing allows us to take on the feelings of the other person.

Final Thoughts

• To love and be loved is the ultimate aspiration and feeling on earth.
• Allow yourself to be vulnerable
• Understand your attachment style
• Understand your love language and the love language of your partner
• Practice awareness, acceptance, and forgiveness
• Practice self-acceptance and self-love
• Raise your emotional intelligence

I wish you all success in your love life. If you are in an unhealthy, or toxic relationship, love and respect yourself enough to walk away. If you feel there is a deep and loving connection consider putting the time, effort, and work into making it last. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I love you all as my friends and inspirational “family” and I appreciate you all so much. The world needs more love and we all have a little more to give, we just need to tap into our more vulnerable side.