A Woman Asked if My Narcissistic Ex-husband Cares That I Tell My Story

My conversation with her will tell you why it’s so complicated

I’m out and I meet a woman who knows I write about my story. She’s empathetic but she’s curious about my ex-husband’s response. It’s a fair question.

“Does your ex-husband care that you tell your story?” she asks.

“No,” I say. “He doesn’t care.”

“Really?” she responds with astonishment. “Do you think your ex-husband has read any of your articles?”

“Maybe,” I say. “But it’s more likely he hasn’t bothered to and has heard about them through others.”

“I’m surprised he doesn’t care,” she says.

“You have to understand narcissism,” I say.

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“The reason my ex-husband doesn’t care if I tell my story lies in the personality disorder itself,” I say. “A narcissist seeks to control and win. It’s the overwhelming and insatiable need that compels a narcissist. It drives a narcissist.”

“But why wouldn’t he be upset that you write about what he did?” she asks.

“He doesn’t care,” I say. “Because a narcissist got what he wanted. A narcissist won. He hid all of our money, left me with nothing, and destroyed me financially. The narcissist that I divorced is satisfied with the outcome.”

I can tell the woman is confused.

I get it.

It’s hard for those of us who have escaped a narcissist to understand a narcissist.

Someone who hasn’t been lured by a narcissist may never understand.

Narcissism is a disturbing and emotionally abusive riddle. Years later, survivors of narcissistic abuse grapple to comprehend and recover from narcissistic abuse.

“It’s about whatever the narcissist wants,” I say. “My husband told me if I ever left him he would make sure there was no money and I would work for the rest of my life. My husband wanted to punish me financially for leaving him. He wanted to destroy me financially. He continually made references to me that I had bit the hand that fed me and that I was leaving The Golden Goose. A self-flattering nod to his success.”

The woman is beginning to understand a bit of what drives a narcissist.

The narcissist’s own agenda.

“If a narcissist feels they’ve gotten their desired outcome they feel satisfied,” I say. “A narcissist feels they have won. My husband told me over and over again, ‘Colleen, you started the war and you’re never going to win.’”

The woman nods.

“My husband never cared about anything,” I say. “He never cared what people thought. He only cared about three things. He cared about himself, money, and his job. Essentially, a narcissist cared about his insular world and nothing else.”

I can tell the woman still finds this surprising.

Again, I get it.

You would have to have to escape a narcissist to understand it.

“Basically,” I say. “The way my ex-husband looks at it is this…Colleen can go ahead and tell her little story. I don’t care what people think. I won. I got all of our savings and retirement. I got all of ‘My money.’ I left her with nothing. I ruined her credit. I made sure she would struggle. I got away with lying, cheating, stealing, and hiding all of our money during our marital problems and subsequent divorce. I got what I wanted. I got the desired outcome I went after. I’m still in control.”

She follows my explanation.

“The narcissist I divorced no longer has any agenda with me except for money,” I say. “This is the one and only thing that consumes the narcissist I divorced. If it doesn’t involve money he doesn’t care. Another narcissist may have a different agenda and a different version of what they want and what they believe is winning. In that case, the individual who escaped narcissistic abuse telling their story could provoke a narcissist especially while leaving a narcissist. I was worried and scared enough to wait to tell my story until I felt I could and my husband felt he was winning.”

The woman and I parted ways.

I’m sure it was a confusing lesson about narcissistic personality disorder.

Especially, since every narcissist decides what their particular idea of winning in a divorce is. Narcissists may collectively use control and manipulation but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have a unified vision of winning.

One narcissist may go after child custody. Another may go after money and another after both. And another after even more things.

It depends on what that particular narcissist wants.

It depends on what that narcissist wants to control and win.

I divorced what is known as a covert narcissist. A passive-aggressive controlling individual who appears laid-back. This narcissist is not overt in their control. They can be even more manipulative and punishing because it makes them less conspicuous.

It’s the narcissistic ‘I don’t care’ combined with even more manipulation rather than direct control. It achieves the same narcissistic objective. It’s just two versions of it.

This means my ex-husband may never directly talk to me about what I write.

A narcissist believes he won the war.