The Same Problems That Existed in My Marriage Played Out in My Divorce

I wish someone had warned me of this simple truth.

“Be careful,” I say.

“I’m not worried about that,” says my friend.

“You should be,” I say. “Because you are married to an extremely controlling person who has spent years punishing you when they are mad. And your spouse has a long history of controlling you and never getting over their anger.”

“No,” says my friend. “We both agree we need to get a divorce.”

“Look,” I say. “I wish someone had warned me that the same problems that exist in our marriage will typically play out in a divorce. I would have been more prepared for my husband’s wrath and financial abuse. I would have minimized my vulnerabilities to prohibit my husband from being so abusive during our divorce.”

“No,” says my friend. “Like I said, we’ve come to this decision. It’s sad but it’s the right thing to do. We just have to iron out the specifics and we will both be fair.”

“I thought that too,” I say. “I thought it was devastating and sad to end our marriage. I thought my husband would think so too. But instead, he was angry, punishing, and out of control.”

“That won’t happen to me,” says my friend.

I wish I hadn’t been right but I was.

My friend’s divorce progressively got uglier.

And that ugliness still rears its post-divorce head. I’m not surprised that the same marital problems played out during their divorce and still surface long after the fact.

I had already gone to the divorce School of Hard Knocks.

I had learned rather than been warned of this lesson.

“I wish I had listened to you,” says my friend.

“I knew the person you married wasn’t going to let go of the dynamic you had during your marriage,” I say.

“You were right,” says my friend.

“I knew your spouse was not done with you,” I say. “But you see the best in people and you believed they were going to be sad but fair. You believed that a divorce was actually going to stop the conflict in your relationship.”

I mean don’t we all?

Don’t we get divorced because our marriage isn’t working?

That’s why I wanted out of my marriage.

I was tired of being miserably unhappy. I was tired of feeling sad and lonely. I was tired of feeling frustrated and ignored. I was tired of feeling controlled and mistreated. I was tired of the same continual circular arguments.

I was tired of conflict without resolution.

I was tired of feeling stuck.

I was tired of feeling hopeless. I was tired of the changes in myself. A happy girl who now raised her voice and said ugly things. A woman who perseverated and talked too much about her marriage because nothing was changing or improving.

Did I actually want to divorce my husband?

No, I tried every single thing possible to avoid it. Divorce isn’t necessarily something we choose. It’s an unfortunate resolution after exhausting all of our options.

My marital problems raged during my overly long and abusive five-year divorce.

It was MUCH easier being married…

Than divorcing the man I married.

It seems crazy.

It’s unbelievable really that a spouse could continue to control another spouse in a divorce. But they can. It also seems crazy a spouse could impact you the same way in a divorce.

But they can.

Collectively speaking, a spouse can make you just as miserable in a divorce.

Even more miserable than you were during your marriage.

It’s satisfying to otherwise bitter, immature, insecure, and unhappy children masquerading as adults. They don’t view a divorce as the unfortunate end to a once love-filled relationship.

They see divorce as an excuse for abuse.

It’s their last chance to make you pay for what still angers them.

“I don’t understand it,” I say to my friend.

“What?” says my friend.

“I don’t get that there are people who actually want to make people pay because they were hurt,” I say. “I don’t have a need to be petty or punishing. I don’t seek retribution for those I believe have caused me pain.

“Me neither,” says my friend. “We’re not like that.”

“I sought a resolution instead,” I say. “Divorce was supposed to stop the conflict in my marriage. It was supposed to stop the conflict in your marriage.”

My friend and I commiserate a bit more.

We can’t believe how wrong we were.

Or how much we underestimated what our spouses were capable of in a divorce.

“It’s sad,” says my friend. “It doesn’t have to be this way.”

“You know what?” I say. “I was out with another friend of mine recently who asked me if my ex-husband wasn’t remarried would ever want him back.”

“You’re kidding,” says my friend.

“No,” I say. “I told her never. There’s absolutely no chance. I feel nothing for my ex-husband. If anything, after seeing what he was capable of during our divorce it destroyed any remaining feelings I may have had for him.”

“I feel lucky,” says my friend. “Now that I’ve seen what my spouse did during our divorce I’m even happier to be away from that. I would never want to go back to that.”

“Exactly,” I say. “If I hadn’t divorced my husband I would never have believed who I was married to. I would have continued to give him the benefit of the doubt and made excuses for his behavior. I thank God I got away from him.”

There’s an unfortunate (or maybe fortunate) result of a divorce.

Sometimes it takes a divorce to realize how bad your marriage truly was.

When you see the same marital problems play out in your divorce.

Only they are now hyped up on steroids.

And you are even more (albeit temporarily) miserable than you were during your marriage. It proves you’ve made the right decision. Leaving your marriage was far better than staying.

Because your spouse is incapable of letting go of marital conflict.

They create even more during a divorce.

It proves one thing for certain.

Nothing was ever going to get better in your marriage.