A Toxic Handler’s Woes

A revealing look at what it means to be the designated emotional sponge.

Like most of my kind I too just woke up one day to the realization that I listen really well. People around me must have long realized this too because I have been their reliable emotional sponge for ages. It’s my superpower.

I can’t really say when I developed this ability to listen because it wasn’t something I was taught. Reading, writing, and even speaking, for sure but listening? No one teaches you to listen. And it’s a big plus if you can also keep a secret, have a curious nature, and have large reserves of patience.

The Upsides

Now, being this way has a lot of advantages for the people around you and some for benefits for you too.

It tends to deepen the trust in your relationships and people are always happy to have someone like you in their lives. Someone who cares enough to take the time to listen to their problems, validate their emotions, and perhaps even offer good advice.

Everybody’s glad they have someone to vent to, who will absorb all that negativity while, in return, infuse them with the positivity they need to feel better about themselves and their situation.

Sometimes it’s enough that you are there to put things into perspective. Listening for so long you learn the value of appreciating different perspectives and, no doubt, you have developed subtle methods to patiently and gently give them even to the most obstinate

“It’s a big plus if you can also keep a secret, have a curious nature and infinite reserves of patience.”

The downsides

• Too much toxic handling. We become like what the Harvard Business Review called, “toxic handlers” only we are never off the clock. According to the HBR, a toxic handler is someone in an organization who voluntarily shoulders the sadness, frustration, bitterness, and anger that are endemic to organizational life. Only we get saddled with this role also in our family and friends’ circles as well.

• Burnout Absorbing all that negativity constantly can lead to burnout. It can do damage to your own emotional and physical well-being. Like them, you too need to let out your feelings once in a while but you rarely get the chance when you’re the designated emotions sponge. “Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.” -Dale Carnegie
• Their oversharing burden you with too many secrets Believe me, being a repository of so many people’s problems comes with the extra burden of listening to their secrets as well. People feel confident about telling you their secret feeling, dreams, desires, and even the secrets of others. You get to hear things from people they should ideally only be telling their therapists or priests. This is fine with them because they are trained professionals, on the other hand, we are not necessarily so. The role takes an eventual toll we are sometimes not prepared to handle.

“You get to hear things from people they should ideally only be telling their therapists or priests.”

Conclusion

Playing this role no doubt has its merits. People will appreciate you a lot for the attention you give them and your relationships will be stronger for that. However, it can come at a great cost to you too. For instance, there is always the risk of internalizing other people’s problems which can lead to stress and conditions associated with stress.

When it comes to keeping secrets, I always wonder if aspiring writers such as myself are really good for this because those secrets we hear tend to spill into our writings even if they are under the sometimes flimsy cover of changed names and locations.

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