A Simple Trick to Ease into Dominance Play

It works perfectly on vanilla submissives like me

There have always been hints that I have a submissive side.

Some of my favorite sexual memories involve me being manhandled, being pressed into a wall or up against a car, and just the feeling of losing control over myself.

I got turned on by the thought of someone taking charge. It wasn’t enough to do the things I craved — I wanted someone to make me do them.

And I loved being blindfolded, handcuffed, or having my wrists tied. It wasn’t just sexy — it enhanced my pleasure, too.

Control play was really hot to me, but exploring it never felt safe.

I didn’t want to open myself up to doing things that would make me self-conscious. I worried that I would be made to do something that would feel compromising or even violating.

Looking into BDSM usually made me even more apprehensive. A lot of it seemed so forceful and painful. A lot of the domination I read about would either make me highly uncomfortable or trigger some emotional trauma for me.

Even though I leaned in that direction, I wasn’t comfortable identifying as submissive. If anything, I figured I was kind of lazy.

I liked the idea of my partner taking charge, but I wanted to keep control over everything.

That started to change one night. I was fooling around with my husband and he said four simple words to me: don’t make a sound.

I was so instantly aroused and surprised that it made me giggle, but then I complied immediately. I bit my lip to make myself quiet. I closed my eyes and tried to keep my vocal cords in line.

It wasn’t easy. He rubbed my clit with his fingers and lapped at it with his tongue. Whenever I whimpered, moaned, or shuddered with pleasure, he pulled away and reminded me to not make a sound.

That teasing was the icing on the cake.

Everything about it was dominant and controlling. But it also felt loving and playful.

I didn’t feel compromised or worried. I didn’t unsafe. It just felt right.

The sex we had that night was very memorable. Since then, we’ve explored that dynamic further. My husband has incorporated more domination in the way he teases and fucks me. I’ve embraced my submissiveness and enjoyed every moment of it.

The one thing that remains constant when we’re doing this is that Mr. Austin will focus mostly on commanding me not to do something instead of making me do something.

And that makes all the difference.

Why This Trick Works

If you’re just starting to explore dominance play, especially if you’re more on the vanilla side, sticking to telling the submissive partner what not to do works really well for a few reasons.

It’s easy to feel a little guilty when you’re the submissive one. There are plenty of ways to be an active participant, but even when I am, I often feel like I’m on the receiving end of a lot of the action. Being the lead looks like a lot of work (and frankly, I’m glad it’s not me doing it).

Being commanded to not do certain things gives you a task to focus on and lets you just enjoy what is happening. There’s no guilt about doing too little when you’re doing exactly as you’re told. It turns even the most passive actions into active participation.

But the best thing about it is that there’s no pressure.

When I’m told not to do something, I’m not put into the position of having to decide whether I’m going to comply with something I might not want to do.

“Get on your knees and push your ass up” is something I have to make a decision about. Will my knees hurt if I’m in that position too long? Do I want him staring at my ass so closely? What’s he going to do to my ass and am I going to be comfortable with it?

It’s just stressful.

Plus, I’m not just submissive, I’m also a people pleaser (those parts of my personality might even be related). So, it’s important for me not to be in a position where I will have to turn someone down. I hate turning someone down. I hate saying no. I will, obviously, but I hate having to and it takes me completely out of the mood.

None of that is an issue when I’m told not to do something. If my husband tells me not to move my hands, there’s nothing to worry about. Instead of feeling pressure to do something, it gives me permission not to do something. I can just do what he says and lose myself in the pleasure that comes with it.

It’s also a very safe form of domination, because when you command someone to do something, it can be triggering.

In my case, my biggest sexual triggers have to do with blowjobs. I have some past trauma related to them, so even though I love giving them, being asked to give head can put me in a very negative mental space.

But that would never happen if I was told not to give head. If I reached for Mr. Austin’s cock and he pulled it away and teased me by saying I have to wait, none of it would take me back to a difficult place — it would just be fun.

I’m far from unique. A lot of us have things that can trigger and set us off. You’ll always be on much safer ground instructing someone not to do something. That will help you take them out of their comfort zone without pushing past their boundaries.

Take the Right Approach When Exploring

There’s one thing a lot of people get wrong about dominance play. A lot of people assume it’s all about what the dominant partner wants and having them impose that on their submissive partner.

And sure, there are plenty of douchenozzles out there who do that, and some of them will call themselves doms as a cover for this kind of shitbaggery. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s not the right dynamic for dominance play.

Being dominant is really about giving the submissive what they want and what they need. It’s taking the control away from them for their sake and for their pleasure.

That’s why the best way to start exploring domination is to keep it on the more playful side and to do things that will make the submissive partner feel safe and taken care of.

There’s a lot that goes into that, but this tip is a good first step. It’s a good way to test the waters without taking things too far.

So, if you want to try being more dominant, go ahead and tell your partner not to do something during sex. It might be exactly what they want to hear.

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