I Thought I Was Submissive, but Maybe I’m Just Lazy

Embracing my role as the pillow princess

The other day, I was lying in bed with my husband, when an online friend asked me what my favorite part of sucking cock is.

I smirked and, without missing a beat, told Mr. Austin “When it’s over!”

Okay, so I was only half-joking. I do like sucking a guy off. But Mr. Austin happens to be on the larger side — including, crucially, on the thicker side — so, my jaw has a hard time accommodating his junk.

He laughed (phew, I don’t have to sleep on the couch!) and said, “But, do you like it when I hold your head?”

“No,” I replied. “That feels too pushy.”

“Okay,” he said, “well, do you like it when I fuck your mouth?”

“Not really. It feels too dominating.”

My husband was puzzled and apologized for having done those two things during our recent bouts of foreplay. “I really thought you’d like that,” he added, “you always said you were submissive so I, um, tried to treat you like it.”

“Yeah,” I said, searching for the right reply. “I guess I’m just not that submissive.”

“You do like topping from the bottom,” he reminded me — unnecessarily.

“Honestly, I don’t really know how submissive I really am,” I explained. “I think maybe I was just… lazy?”

We both burst into giggles and, once we settled, we started going over all the submissive stuff I’m not really into.

Having my wrists tied? Nope. Have you read Gerald’s Game?

Hair pulled? No thank you.

Being denied pleasure? No, just give it to me, damnit!

Ball gags? How am I supposed to give instructions?

Getting punished? No… Well, okay, so I do enjoy a firm spanking, but that’s it!

Pushy, domineering, or controlling roleplaying? Not my jam.

When you line all those things up, it makes a pretty convincing case.

So why did I identify so completely with the submissive label? I think it’s probably a combination of two things. First, it does capture some of the things I enjoy sexually, like being manhandled. But more importantly, I was kind of ashamed to admit — to myself and others — what I’m like in bed.

This Pillow Princess Was in Denial

I haven’t found a term for my sexual style that I’m completely comfortable with, but “pillow princess” comes close.

It even starts before fucking. I need to be the one that’s seduced, not the one doing the seducing. Even when I’m horny, I never really put the moves on anyone. At best, I just give them signs that I’m open to being revved up. (Yes, I’m that girl who complains that she’s cold and hopes you try to warm her up.)

Although I do reciprocate, I’m mostly at the receiving end of the foreplay. I can lay there getting fingered, licked, and having my nipples played with for half an hour sometimes. And yeah, I’ll stroke Mr. Austin’s dick while he’s doing it, sure — if it happens to be in easy reach.

And when it comes to fucking, I’m a very horizontal lover. I’ll move us into different positions, but they all have one thing in common: I’m not on top in any of them.

I’m even on the receiving end of vocalization. I’ll moan, groan, and yell things like “Oh my God!” and “Fucking Christ!” (like a lot of atheists, I only pray during orgasms). Those are all practically involuntary — they escape my throat before I even realize they’re coming. It’s the voluntary vocalization I can’t get into.

I love dirty talk. I love it whispered and grunted during sex. And lately, hearing it outside that context gets me horny, too. At this point, it works in pretty much any context — when I’m driving, when my husband’s cooking, when I’m doing my hair, or making school lunches — I hear a few dirty words and I’m ready to fuck. (Honestly, it’s becoming kind of a problem — the dishes just keep piling up.)

But as much as I enjoy that, I won’t actually do it myself. I’ll give the usual coaching and say things like “slower” and “harder.” But anything more than that I get completely uncomfortable.

I’ve never felt comfortable admitting that I was so consistently on the receiving end. If the subject ever came up, I felt ashamed of myself. Like I wasn’t fucking right.

I always had the impression that being good at sex meant being forward, being aggressive, being very active.

I don’t exactly know where I got that idea, but it’s cemented in my mind even though it doesn’t make much sense. I mean, are both partners supposed to lead? Is everyone just meant to be a top?

I suppose, at the very least, I kind of figured you should switch it up and only be on the receiving end of all that great sexy stuff for about half the time.

I was getting way more than my half. And it made me feel kind of guilty. Like I wasn’t pulling my weight or holding up my end of the agreement.

Playing a More Active Role

In the last few months, I’ve been getting more assertive in the bedroom. A big part of that is due to hormonal treatments. I’m way hornier as a result of them, and it’s made me bolder.

But I’m also making a conscious effort to step out of my comfort zone and try new things. In my case, that means pushing Mr. Austin onto his back so I can work my mouth on him (well, at least until it gets sore). Or verbalizing that I want to have sex instead of just waiting for him to make a move. I even got on top a few times.

I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a big change for me, so I feel rather proud of it.

But if we’re going to think of being a top vs. a bottom, I’m still squarely the bottom. I’m getting more comfortable, more active, but I still tend to be on the receiving end.

I’m making peace with that, because the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s just what works for me. It’s how I like to get fucked, and I just so happen to have married someone who enjoys fucking me that way.

Finding the Right Dynamic

I think what really drew me to the idea of being submissive is that this was a clearly defined dynamic. The sub/dom relationship was a thing, and you could use it to explain how you meshed with your partner. If you were the submissive, you didn’t have to make excuses for being in the receiving role.

It wasn’t about being good or bad at sex, it was just about taking on a role and really inhabiting it.

I realize now that the label isn’t the best fit for me, but it did teach me something important. Thinking of myself as submissive taught me that there are no ideals. There’s no right or perfect way to have sex. There are just different dynamics.

There’s a big difference between not being good at sex and just being incompatible with your partner.

Lucky for me, I’m very compatible with my partner. I may not be a giver, a top, or a very aggressive lover, but it doesn’t matter because we found a dynamic that works. Mr. Austin likes to worship my body in all sorts of ways. And I like to feel pampered.

That works well for us, even though we don’t really have a label for it.

So, yes, when it comes to sex and seduction, I’m quiet, shy, and maybe you could say I’m a little bit lazy. But that’s the role I play, and it works for us.

Besides, my husband says I’m a great fuck, so this pillow princess must be doing something right.

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