A Relationship of Misery or The Single Life? The Debate!
Welcome to Da Hard Truth, Meu amigo. This is the publication hosted by Teri Nickels and me, where we give our male and female perspectives on modern dating.
How it works
- You send us a burning and pressing question, either as a comment or via email to [email protected]
- I write and post a blog with my masculine opinion on the topic
- Teri writes and publishes a blog with her feminine opinion on it
- We collaborate on a joint post where we debate our opinions to get to the bottom of the issue
A few days ago, MJ asked:
Is it better to be single or to be in a relationship that kills part of your soul daily? I honestly feel lonely being alone, but I’ve had so many bad relationships in the past and don’t know what to do. I don’t like being single but I feel like if I get with someone I’m doomed to be miserable.
This was my reply
And this was Teri’s reply
Here is our debate
Ciaran: Hey. So, from reading both of our posts, we pretty much agree with each other.
Teri: Yes sir.
Ciaran: But I did want to talk about your 7-year relationship because I had one, too, which was miserable both for me and for her.
Teri: Really?! Well, I will say that in my past relationship, I can take the blame for like 75% of what went wrong. But my ex won’t even take the other 25% and say he could have done better.
Ciaran: So, what do you feel like you both did wrong?
Teri: Well, that’s a good question. Some stuff I’m not ready to talk about publicly, but one major thing was that we didn’t really know each well enough to move forward in a relationship. His own mother told me within the first six months of knowing my ex that, basically, I needed to run for the hills.
I didn’t know what she was talking about because, honestly, I didn’t really know him, yet I spent 70% of my 20s invested in someone that was basically a stranger.
Ciaran: I get that he’d have been a stranger at first, but did you guys not get to know each other during those seven years?
Teri: It was a very unique relationship. All he ever talked about was how close he was to his grandmother. He never wanted to discuss his parents or any other blood relatives. That was one red flag of like a hundred.
I wanted him to get to know my family, but he only got close to one of my cousins and never met my mother because he said it was too soon, even though we had been together for about four years at the time that I wanted him to meet my favorite person. I realized that I was dealing with a coward.
He never took accountability for anything, even when the relationship went sour. I was alone to deal with the aftermath of everything. That’s why I say that men don’t work on themselves the same way as women do.
Even when I knew I wasn’t fully to blame, I just moved forward and dealt with the situation as best as I could alone. I mean, the relationship was long distance for like 95% of the relationship.
But I can only imagine what other layers of hell I could have gone through if we stayed in the same city. But if you don’t mind me asking, what made your past relationship so miserable?
Ciaran: I’m totally happy to dive into my miserable relationship, don’t worry. But before we do, I’m curious about what you did wrong with your ex. You said you think you’re 75% to blame, so where did that come in?
Teri: As I said before, I went into my first relationship for the wrong reasons. One reason was that I felt broken from the guys I had briefly dated at the college I was attending. My second reason was that a long-distance relationship seemed easier to manage.
My third reason was that a long-distance relationship was easier to hide from my family. Even though I was an adult by age, my mother wanted me to focus solely on school throughout college. Man, don’t I wish I would have listened to her now.
Ciaran: I see. And what lessons did you learn from being with this guy?
Teri: Well, I could write an entire novel on all the lessons I learned from this relationship, but my top three would be:
- Never overlook a red flag. There were about 20 of them within the first year
- If I have doubts before getting into a serious relationship, that’s my woman intuition speaking to me because I had a lot of doubts about a long-distance relationship working out in my favor. Still, I decided to take the risk anyway
- Fully loving yourself will make you fall for less bullshit. I dealt with too much foolishness for way too long
Oh! And bonus one! Actually date and build a friendship, not just a love connection, but a life connection.
Ciaran: Got it. So you believe you were 75% to blame because you allowed ignored red flags you should have seen and didn’t love yourself enough to attract anyone better?
Teri: That’s the thing, Ciaran. I seen all the bullshit. The red flags were obvious and just waving in my face. I really think that I thought I could change the narrative of my ex.
Because I hated that his own mother would say bad things about her own child, and his head just hung like he would never be good enough for her or no woman.
The more I talk about my ex, the more it makes me feel like I was with him because I felt sorry for him. Still, I think I felt sorry for myself because before meeting my ex, I had dealt with one guy who wanted to change me and another guy who basically used me until he could get back with his ex.
So, in a way, two broken people found each other, which only made each other more miserable. I became verbally abusive, and it led him to shut down communication for months at a time with me.
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Ciaran: OK, so about my relationship. We were together for about the same length of time, to be honest. At first, I did everything I could to be the perfect boyfriend. As perfect as you can be when you’re 20, hugely inexperienced, basically still a virgin, and completely naive to life.
However, she was wildly selfish, and the whole relationship was about her.
Anyway, I kept trying and trying but got nowhere. She not only didn’t appreciate the things I did for her, like gifts, poems, going to see her, etc, but she didn’t do anything for me and constantly accused me of doing nothing for her even though I was the only one who did anything.
After about 4–6 months, I decided I’d had enough, but rather than leave, I consciously decided to be as bad as she was. So, for the final six and a half years of being together, we were locked in mutual misery and basically wasted both of our times
Teri: What do you wish would have been better on her part?
Ciaran: Come to visit me sometimes (it was long distance, and the ratio of visits was like 15–1 in my favour).
- Appreciate what I did
- Stop accusing me of things I didn’t do
- Make an effort to integrate into my world
But to be honest, while all the above is true, the fact is that at that age, I was desperate for anything and stayed in something miserable because I was scared of being alone.
If I could go back in time and have her do all the above or have young me leave, I’d have young me leave. After a few months, I’d gotten everything I needed from that relationship and could/should have spread my wings.
Teri: Wow, Ciaran! We may be too much alike. Because I was 20 when I met my ex, and he was sending me gifts in the first year of our relationship as well, but as soon as things turned sour, I became another person – possibly the worse version of myself, and I stopped really giving a damn about him.
But just like you, I stayed in it for another six years just because I felt like I was basically damaged goods and that I would rather deal with the current pain than possibly meet someone worse.
If I could go back, I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t have given my ex a second look knowing what I know now. Maybe I should have just gotten my heart broken by someone that I could at least see every day.
Ciaran: I’ll be honest with you: if I met her today and she said she’d cheated on me during that relationship, I’d give her a high-five because we were both miserable, so good on her for finding some happiness in that situation
Teri: Ciaran, I wasn’t even surprised that my ex had 4 girls he was sleeping with at the same time. And the fact that he gave one of the girls my number to text me pictures of them naked and kissing each other, wasn’t even the worse of what I went through.
I definitely didn’t want to give him a high five, but my hand could have been used in another way. So, for you to say that you wouldn’t have been disappointed if your ex had cheated, tells me that you feel that you both had things that you could have worked on.
Ciaran: Well yeah. I didn’t carry myself in a way that commanded respect back then, and so much of her treatment was a result of that. It doesn’t make it OK, but it is a fact of life that a lot of people will disrespect you if you let them.
If the me of today was dating her back then none of what I’ve said about her would still be relevant because she’d have treated me properly. But like I said, I wouldn’t stay in that situation for longer than a week today.
But again, she stayed with someone she wasn’t happy with because she didn’t feel good enough either. She was lonely too, and if she’d taken time to look in the mirror, she could have seen that she was OK being alone and didn’t need the comfort of a relationship to feel OK.
We were two lonely people who were grabbing onto anything. But I don’t know about you, but I’d say it’s time to call this an article.
Teri: I love it, Ciaran! I love that last line. That’s a great way to end it.
Ciaran: I thought so as I wrote it 😁
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