A Relationship of Misery or the Single Life? Teri’s Response
Is it better to be single or in a relationship of misery?
Welcome to Da Hard Truth, Meu amigo. This is the publication hosted by Ciaran Callam and yours truly, where we give our male and female perspectives on modern dating.
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- You send us a burning and pressing question, either as a comment or via email to [email protected]
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Today’s Question Comes From MJ
I could say this is the impeccable actor, Michael B. Jordan, but that man is doing big things in Hollywood, such as acting — and directing? So, he shouldn’t have any problems with the ladies. . .
Or could this be R&B singer Mary J. Blige?
Well, let’s get to the meat of the question!
Is it better to be single or to be in a relationship that kills part of your soul daily?
I honestly feel lonely being alone, but I’ve had so many bad relationships in the past and don’t know what to do.
I don’t like being single but I feel like if I get with someone I’m doomed to be miserable.
In the words of my favorite Tyler Perry movie, “I can do bad all by myself.”
You are asking me if it’s better to fight a war alone or to fight with a soldier who has made it perfectly clear to you that they are enemy number one.
Being single, solo, a party of one, or alone isn’t a bad thing.
What’s bad is loneliness has kicked in, and you feel like another breathing creature can fill that void within you.
The problem is that when we are lonely, we don’t make the smartest decisions with the company we keep.
I’ve been through a lonely phase, and I can tell you I still feel lonely even when dozens of people are in my presence. So, I knew my loneliness couldn’t be simply fixed with a warm body.
I was in a toxic relationship, off and on, for seven years.
I thought what made me feel lonely in the relationship was that it was long distance, but when I looked at the big picture of it all, I was looking for someone to make me happy and to love me because I didn’t love myself.
I was putting my burdens on someone else to carry.
It wasn’t until I decided to get back into therapy that I realized that my relationship was toxic as hell.
I didn’t come into the relationship as a whole person. Therefore, I didn’t attract a whole person.
I attracted a person who didn’t even feel loved by their own mother, and ironically, he didn’t give much of a damn about me after the first year of the relationship. Yet, I stuck around because I once again attracted what I was at the time: a broken spirit.
I don’t know if you ever heard of trauma bonding, but it’s a real thing!
Trauma bonding is when a person forms a deep emotional attachment with someone who causes them harm.
You don’t realize it, but some part of you is attracted to that so-called misery, but what it truly could be is a part of you that needs to heal from something that you may have swept to the darkest corners of your mind.
If you desire a healthy relationship, you must do the inner workings of the man or woman in the mirror.
Misery loves company, but become the person you want to attract in a future relationship so that misery never attaches itself to you again.
If you aren’t happy with yourself during a season of singleness, you will continue to attract what you project to the world.
This is your time to work on yourself.
You must be healthy, especially mentally, to appreciate a healthy relationship. Because you could actually meet the person who has done the work on themselves, that is meant for you, and you could be the one that actually brings them misery.
Become the person that you want to attract.
If you want someone adventurous and you are a homebody, then pick up a couple of new hobbies that get you out of the house to meet people who align with what you desire!
If you want someone who is emotionally intelligent, you will have to work on being happy as a single person so that you can tell when someone is draining your peace or if they are adding to your table of joy in your life. But you still have to control your own happiness — with or without another soul.
The single life is a time of healing and creating new boundaries in your life. But it’s also a time to learn from past experiences so that you can become the person that you want to love.
What would be great is to write down everything you desire in a future partner. Then, determine if you can be all those things to another person in this phase of your life.
If there is even one thing that you feel that you can’t give in return, you need to work on becoming the entire 100% that you may be expecting from another person.
You will be surprised because what you may think is an issue (or causing you misery) with another person could actually be you in denial about what you need to improve.
Sometimes, it is not who we attract but what we are drawn to within people.
Again, some part of you is drawn to misery, and the only way to figure out why or to change the course of your dating experiences is to dive deeper into your season of singleness.
— Teri Nickels
Click here for Ciaran’s response (The Male Perspective), and please follow Da Hard Truth, where you ask the burning questions about relationships and dating with direct feedback from me (Teri Nickels) and Ciaran Callam.